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Round-Up of Divorce News

Here is a round-up of Divorce news circulating the news across the world wide web!

Mobile Phone Addiction

In an article published by The South China Morning Post, some marriage counsellors in China are claiming that mobile phone addiction is responsible for up to 30% of failed marriages in China. The reason behind these claims is that couples are spending more time on their mobile devices which should instead be used to communicate with their partners, perform household duties or educate children. This causes conflict in marriages and which ultimately leads to divorce. The neglect a partner may feel due to the other partner’s attention to their mobile phone made some partners in China feel as if their partner did not care for them, their home or their children.

The Zodiac Sign Most Likely To Divorce

According to an article released by BestLife, the top three (3) astrological signs to split with their partners are as follows:
1. Aquarius: Due to its free-spirited nature, an Aquarius hates to be tied down and is the least likely to get hitched in the first place.
2. Sagittarius: Sagittarians love to view life as one big adventure and are in a constant state of wanderlust making it hard for them to stay settled in one spot.
3. Pisces: The most romantic, Pisces can become bitter and distant when they feel their partner is not providing them with unconditional love and support.

Kim Kardashian Is Legally Divorced

Kim Kardashian is now officially single after being granted a divorce from Kanye West. As part of her divorce, the celebrity also dropped “West” from her last name.
Kim Kardashian’s divorce is “bifurcated” meaning that whilst her marital status and legal name have been resolved, the other issues related to divorce, namely custody and finances have yet to be resolved between herself and her former spouse.

Newlywed Divorces After Being Blocked on WhatsApp

A Saudi national filed for divorce in Jeddah and in his Petition for Divorce stated that he wanted to part ways with his wife after she blocked him on WhatsApp. The Court issued a verdict in favour of the newlywed husband and the woman was ordered to return the dowry and gold given to her at the time of marriage.

Divorcing Couples Fight Over Crypto

The New York Times reported that divorcing couples are fighting over children, the house and now Crytpo. According to those in legal circles in the USA, marital disputes over Bitcoin is becoming increasingly common and it is now a major source of contention with estranged couples trading accusations of deception and financial mismanagement.

According to divorce lawyers, spouses underreport their holdings or try to hide funds in online wallets and this can be difficult to get to. As a result, forensic investigators are called in to assist but they can charge tens of thousands of dollars to track the movement of cryptocurrencies.

Coping With An Impossible Spouse During And After Divorce

Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.

So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you are not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you are committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your ex-spouse.
Here are a few helpful suggestions to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process:

1. Document Everything: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse.

2. Hire A Solicitor: When you are dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring a solicitor. Having a solicitor to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day-to-day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring a solicitor that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring a solicitor that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.

3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.

4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive solicitor fees, especially if it has become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your solicitor.

In a divorce, sometimes it is not about “winning” but rather letting go of the past and focusing more on what’s ahead. This will allow you to not sweat the small stuff when your spouse is making things difficult. Overall, if dealing with your ex is too much to handle, you can speak to your solicitor and ask that he/she handle any and all communication related to the divorce and thus allow you to create boundaries with your ex-spouse.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Ken Fung, Clinical Psychologist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist and a relationship therapist from the Jadis Blurton Family Development Center in Hong Kong. Dr. Fung was formally trained in California, USA and earned accreditation in Hong Kong, Australia and New Zealand.

As a Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Fung focuses on assisting individuals, couples and families with relational and emotional issues. Dr. Fung uses the Gottman Method, Psychodynamic, CBT and Systemic approaches in his practice which we will dive in more deeply with Dr. Fung below.

Dr. Fung, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Therapist. My work is focused on relationships and treating or working with couples who are going through relational and/or emotional problems.

In terms of my background training and education, I earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology in New Zealand and a Master of Social Sciences in Criminology in Hong Kong at The University of Hong Kong and also earned a Doctor of Psychology in Clinical Psychology at the California School of Professional Psychology in USA.

Your practice focuses on the Gottman Method, Psychodynamic, CBT and Systemic approaches. What is this, can you explain what this means and how this is incorporated into your clinical practice?

So, the Gottman Method is the main method of therapy of which I focus on. This method was developed by a pair of renowned psychologists and therapists based in Seattle. This method is based on more than 40 years of research experience as to why couples work and why they don’t work. The Gottman Method focuses heavily on emotions and how people connect. This is how I frame my clinical approach – many times couples in Hong Kong do not know how to express their emotion and rather they talk cognitively and intellectually with each other with very little emotion expressed. The Gottman Method embraces a lot of emotion and that aspect of a relationship. It’s a very comprehensive model and I embrace a lot of the techniques used in the Gottman Method.

The Psychodynamic Method is one that has a very long history. This approach focuses heavily on previous life experience and on the understanding of the intra-psychic conflict and hence defenses and different attachment and relations which we have with our parents and other significant others. This method emphasizes the unconscious processes and it is a complicated and complex approach.

CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and is one of the most commonly used approaches in modern psychotherapy. It is vastly symptom-oriented and the aim is to help clients alleviate their presenting symptoms and identify the factors maintaining the problems. The focus tagline of CBT is that if we change how we think, we can change how we feel.

Many individuals who are going through divorce are challenged with the emotions associated with divorce. What are some of the central themes you are experiencing in your clinical practice with those going through a divorce?

Many individuals seek counseling and psychotherapy as a last resort. It is a last resort after trying everything else. In a divorce process, there are a lot of emotions including, but not limited to anger, frustration and depression. My approach is to try to help them understand where they are in the relationship. A lot of couples think that my role is to help them get back together. However, couples’ therapy is more than that. Yes, getting back together may be one of the goals, but a key goal is to try to help individuals see what they really want in the relationship and so they could be more informed in deciding their future. Couples therapy is a tool/platform to create a safe, comfortable and natural platform for them to communicate with each other. It is a way for couples to connect emotionally because many couples have been talking intellectually but that didn’t work out so in my sessions, I help them connect emotionally.

What practical exercises can individuals do to emotionally connect and get through times of distress (eg. divorce and the Covid-19 pandemic)?

One of the key exercises I suggest to couples is to engage in “stress reducing conversation” – This requires couples to take turns to be the speaker and the listener and the key is to talk about their feelings about anything other than the relationship and relationship issues. This exercise allows the listener to emotionally engage with the speaker and vice versa. This exercise helps couples connect emotionally rather than get caught in the loop of discussion where the focus is only on the relationship and relationship issues. By talking about other things, the couple can start to rebuild healthy conversation. I also suggest that couples use “I” statements when talking about things rather than “you.” Couples should practice this every day for 15 to 20 minutes and try to make some peaceful conversation so the brain can learn that they are each capable of creating non-stressful conversation. This creates the basis for the couple to talk about something more serious.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

First and foremost, it is important for parents to talk to each other first to try to understand each other and then to compromise. Healthy parenting post-divorce requires compromise but a lot of people misunderstand what compromise really means. Individuals think that compromise means that you have to sacrifice and give something up to please the other person but that is not compromise. Compromise can be seen as you and your partner each being a part of your own planet but you both have to come out of yours and meet halfway. In our sessions, I assist couples to identify the areas where they are flexible and where they are inflexible. Compromise can only be accomplished in the common areas identified as “flexible.” However, it’s important to recognize that before entering into successful compromise, each person needs to hear why the other person is inflexible in certain areas. A lot of inflexibility stems from a person’s upbringing and it is deeply rooted in childhood experiences so when a partner tries to move something that was so deeply rooted it’s difficult to change and that’s why it’s so important to understand where the inflexibility is coming from. Change comes after understanding.

You also work with children and the complex emotions they may feel during a divorce and the loss of “family” that they may be feeling amidst a divorce. What can parents do to bring healing and help their children communicate the complexity of emotions they may be feeling?

According to research, children as young as 6 months old can sense a parent’s emotions. A child at this young age may not know the reasons behind it but they can feel a parent’s emotions so parents need to be aware of this. What helps a child is when parents are aware of their own emotions. A parent’s emotion can be very intense even if they decide to use silence as a coping mechanism. Silence sometimes hurts more than when parents fight because silence creates a deep sense of confusion in children. My first suggestion is to not assume that the child(ren) do not know what is going on and instead try to be genuine in terms of your emotions. Emotions are powerful and parents can decide the depth of details they wish to share with a child with respect to the problems they are having and wisdom should be used by a parent when it comes to sharing such details. However, when it comes to emotions, a parent should be genuine with the child. If you’re not happy, you can tell your child you are unhappy but not necessarily have to disclose what exactly happened in terms of details.

You created an online platform called “Your Relationship Clinic” on social media. Can you tell us more about this platform and how you are helping individuals through this online platform?

The “Your Relationship Clinic” was a platform I created in 2013 on Facebook. As time went on, I wanted to reach out more to the younger generation in Hong Kong and I switched the platform to run on Instagram. This is a platform where I share a lot of information and thoughts as a psychologist and a relationship therapist on issues related to relationships. Rather than focusing on academic research, I value sentimental and emotional perspective to allow me to interact more closely with my followers. Each day I run a Q & A and am there to listen to those going through difficulties and my role is to help them understand that there are people out there willing to listen. My platform is run in Chinese but English speakers can also reach out to me should they have any questions or concerns or wish to have a listening ear. My Instagram can be found at @yrrelationshipclinic.

About Dr. Ken Fung, Clinical Psychologist:

Dr. Fung is a Clinical Psychologist and focuses on helping individuals, couples and families with relational and emotional issues using the Gottman Method, Psychodynamic, CBT and Systemic approaches.

Dr. Fung graduated with a Doctor of Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology, USA and he also received a Master of Social Science from The University of Hong Kong and Bachelor of Sciences from The University of Auckland, New Zealand.

Apart from his role as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Fung is the creator of the platform “Your Relationship Clinic”, an interactive channel allowing open discussion and emotional support to traditional Chinese-speaking individuals with relationship issues they may have with partners, family members, friends, colleagues and pets.

Dr. Fung’s practice emphasizes the importance of communication as a tool to meet expectations but also a vehicle to express genuine emotions through the establishment of a “safe space.”

Dr. Fung is based in Hong Kong and his clinic is located at the Jadis Blurton Family Development Center.

Silver Linings in Divorce

It is a new year and we can never predict what lies ahead, but there are definitely many adventures to be had. If you are going through a divorce, there may be many challenges ahead, but regardless of the challenges, there is always a silver lining in every difficult circumstance.

With that being said, I have listed some of the common challenges you may face dealing with divorce this year, but alongside that I have also listed some of the wonderful accomplishments and adventures you may gain along the way:

1. Heartbreak Over A Failed Relationship. When divorce happens, there is heartbreak, especially if you are the spouse that wanted the relationship to work. Understandably, heartbreak is emotionally and physically taxing and can be magnified in divorce. You and your spouse have invested considerable time into each other and there are many dreams you both had for your family. While it is normal for individuals to go through a grieving process, this is also a wonderful time for you to focus on what is ahead. Set new personal and professional goals, think about some of the hobbies you have always wanted to master and the places you have always wanted to see, especially if Covid-19 restrictions are on its way to being eased in Hong Kong and around the world! For many of you, this could also mean a new start in building new relationships and getting back into the dating scene. Divorce is not the end and there are many wonderful experiences and memories you will encounter over your lifetime.

2. Finance Woes. Divorce can wreak havoc on your finances. For example, a court may order you to pay monthly maintenance for your spouse and for the children, which will cut into your monthly income. In a divorce settlement, you may be required to pay out a significant sum to your ex-spouse to equalize the division of assets and debts. The nest egg you saved in your retirement accounts may also be cut in half as part of a divorce settlement. While the financial pressures associated with divorce can cause great stress, this is also your chance to become empowered to take charge of your finances and create a roadmap for your future financial success. It is during this time that it would be beneficial for you to meet with a financial expert to plan a budget and manage finances following divorce. If you are the receiving party to maintenance, it is not wise to squander your monthly support cheques or your lump-sum divorce settlement with no thought to your financial future. This may also be a good time to think about entering back into the job market and should be discussed with your solicitor about how this will play into your divorce.

3. Co-parenting Rocky Road. In divorce, you and your ex-spouse will begin to co-parent. For some parents, co-parenting is easy with no issue. However, other parents find co-parenting a nightmare and have difficulty communicating with each other. Co-parenting may be difficult for parents, but this “new normal” is also very difficult for children and pets. Remember that this is difficult for everyone involved, especially when you and your ex-spouse are sparring over co-parenting issues. While co-parenting can be rocky, it is a great opportunity for you and your ex-spouse to work on communication skills with one another and with your children. Talk to your children about what the divorce means for them and how it will affect their relationship with you. Ask your children how they feel and what you can do to make the transition easier. Using this difficult situation as an opportunity to build communication bridges with your children will be rewarding in the long-run. Remember that it is important not to use your children as a weapon against your spouse during divorce proceedings. Avoid talking to your children about adult issues related to the divorce. Finally, now that a new family dynamic is being created, this is also a great opportunity to create new traditions and new routines for your family.

With the start of the new year, consult with your attorney about how you would like to proceed in your divorce and the goals you would like to see by the end of the year. Setting goals for your divorce will help you overcome every challenge you face during divorce. Once you get past the challenges, you can then look back and be proud of your accomplishments.

Potential Risks When Litigating Relocation in Divorce

For our last installment in this three-part relocation series, we are going to explore the potential risks that you may face when you decide to litigate a relocation application in the Family Court in Hong Kong. Generally speaking, it is always a better option to come to agreements with your ex-spouse rather than litigate matters in the Family Court. However, it is sometimes an impossibility you’re your ex-spouse is not reasonable and/or not willing to resolve matters outside of Court, whether it be agreements made directly with one another or through mediation. Relocation is a heated discussion between divorcing couples if there is no agreement. Thus, let’s look at some of the potential risks you should consider before you proceed and make your case before a judge. Bear in mind that these are only “potential” risks and each outcome will depend on the circumstances of your case and the judge deciding the outcome.

1. Less Time With Your Children: In our previous article, we explained that if you file an application in bad faith (eg. To alienate the other parent from the children) and this is revealed to the judge, you may expose yourself to a change in your custody and visitation orders. Thus, it is extremely important that the focus of your relocation application is the welfare of your child. A relocation application should never be filed to cause a rift or disrupt the bond between your ex-spouse and your child.

2. Money and Time Spent: A relocation application is not a quick and easy process. You may find yourself waiting for months before you are heard before the Family Court and once the process begins to move through the Court process, it could take significant time before an order is made by the judge. Moreover, solicitor and barrister fees and costs will also pile up rather quickly and you should anticipate having to pay significant fees to litigate your matter.

3. Psychological Damage: There is no definitive evidence to suggest that a relocation will have any psychological impact on your children, but there is some research out there that suggests it could have a long-term impact on a child’s psychology. This is definitely something to consider and watch out for. Look for signs of stress and anxiety in your child. Think about what kind of effect this might have long-term knowing your child’s unique personality and bond with the other parent. If anything, a relocation could potentially cause more distress than the usual divorce due to your child being uprooted.

4. Hague Convention Risks: In the event that you make a unilateral decision and you move your child to another country without consent or a court order, you will be subject to The Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. It is considered child abduction if you wrongfully remove a child from their home state. Fleeing Hong Kong without written consent by the other parent or court order is risky business and you should seriously reconsider your decision and you should consult with a solicitor who can inform you of all the risk.

Being prepared will help you overcome any obstacles you may face in a relocation application before the Hong Kong court and should be taken seriously to avoid any significant adverse repercussions upon yourself or the children.

Round-Up of Divorce News

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