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Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Vicky Lau, Mediator.

Vicky Lau is an experienced social work practitioner in Hong Kong. She is driven to pursue dignity living for low-income groups which stems from her passion for assisting these individuals with their finances and housing related issues. Vicky has been working in the community development field for 13 years and maintains a keen interest in advocating long term policy changes.

Vicky is now responsible for several housing projects planning and co-ordination.

Vicky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

My work has centered around social work and family mediation. I have worked as a social worker for the last 13 years. One of the key areas which I focus on is community development, namely with housing projects in Hong Kong and the low-income group of individuals living in squatter areas such as subdivided flats, transitional housing and other public housing.

When we work on cases with this group of individuals, we engage with them and help them through any struggles they may have especially related to family issues such as divorce. It is during these moments that I will use my family mediation experience and skills to help them with conflict management.

Let’s first dive into your work as an accredited family mediator. What type of family mediation are you typically involved in?

Most of the cases I assist individuals with is divorce. The major issues they have is that they are not privy to information and/or resources. Individuals, particular in the low-income group do not know where to start and they ask for help on how to engage in the divorce process. I assist by providing them with resources and helping them apply for legal aid.

Part of the assistance I can also provide is helping these family members engage in mediation and to speak to them about their issues and see if we can do anything to resolve the issues at hand.

What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples in Hong Kong?

Most of the clients I deal with argue about finances as they are from the low-income sector. As living expenses continue to rise and especially individuals with children, their income is not sufficient to cover their daily living costs. Arguments begin due to the stresses related to finances and maintaining a living. The low-income group sector generally do not have the funds to hire domestic helpers and in most cases, the mother takes on the primary role of being a full-time housewife while the father is the sole breadwinner. Due to the imbalance of economic positions, these couples will argue over daily chores, finances and with such a small space, they do not have room to take breaks from one another. The only option for breaks is to go outside or out to the street. The stress upon these individuals is very high.

What practical exercises/advice do you give to couples going through marriage difficulties?

First off, I will assist these individuals to apply for resources. For example, there are subsidies available from the government which are difficult to apply for but once approved, the money is good for these families. I like to help these families apply for such grants because it provides the families with some relief from the financial situation. For those individuals going through a divorce, I can assist them with filing for divorce and providing resources to file for divorce including applying for legal aid.

When I am working with these families, I like to teach them micro-skills to help ease any conflict they may have especially in such small spaces. For example, simple methods of creating space and boundaries are important. One of the main skills I like to provide advice on is communication skills. For example, I like to talk to families about how to rephrase their thoughts so that they can get the same point across but with a different tone.

What about children…what practical exercise/advice do you give to children who are going through the same difficulties?

It depends on the age of the children, but I always like to offer my social work and mediation experience to children depending on whether they are willing to accept it.

One of the main issues I see with children is tackling the emotional aspect of divorce. When parents get divorced in the Chinese traditional culture, the children will know that the parents have a bad relationship but they do not necessarily have any concept of divorce or the process of one parent moving out. Many times, the traditional Chinese families do not talk about divorce to the children and sometimes will lie about what is actually happening. I always like to tell parents that it is vitally important that they tell the children about the divorce and remain transparent about it because in reality, children already know that something is wrong. Even if they cannot express in words what they are seeing, they can feel it. Children also see the conflict happening in the household so it is important for parents to talk about it with the children so they are not left in the dark about what is going to happen. I always like to remind parents that it is important to speak with the children about the divorce (but not adult-related matters) and relieve what the child is worried about. Many times, divorce will impact a child’s future long-term romantic relationships and if it is not dealt with properly as a child, they will have trust issues in their adult relationships or create the same relationship pattern as their parents in their adult relationships. The ideal is for a child to have a future romantic relationship where it is peace and solution-based focused rather than a conflict approach basis.

About Vicky Lau, Mediator

Vicky was educated at the Hong Kong Baptist University with a Bachelor’s in Social Work and a Master’s degree of Arts in Communication (Concentration: Integrated Communication Management). Also, Vicky has been an accredited mediator since 2010 and attained accredited family mediator status in 2018.

Vicky is currently working at a local NGO and received the 2019 Best Practice Award in Social Welfare issued by The Hong Kong Council of Social Service (HKCSS) for a public housing project.

If you would like to get in touch with Vicky, you can contact her at the following email address –
vickylau.mail@gmail.com

Hong Kong Divorce x Sassy Mama – International Women’s Day 2023: Spotlight on Women in Business

Hong Kong Divorce was recently featured in Sassy Mama’s International Women’s Day Promotion 2023. Here’s a look at our Feature Article!

Celebrating these leading Hong Kong ladies by exploring their efforts to #EmbraceEquity.

Women should be celebrated every day! Though International Women’s Day is a great reminder for us to focus on the awesomeness of females around the world and what they have achieved. When it comes to exceptional women, Hong Kong is most definitely no exception. This year, we’re shining a spotlight on women in business who embody this year’s theme: #EmbraceEquity.

Caroline Choi — Founder Of Hong Kong Divorce

Let’s face it, divorce can be a difficult process emotionally and financially for all involved. That’s why Caroline Choi created Hong Kong Divorce, a free educational tool and resource for individuals struggling to navigate the system in Hong Kong. It aims to set out in simple terms what you can expect to encounter in the run-up to a divorce, and during the long and sometimes complicated process that may follow. Its mission is to provide a concise and clear overview of the law, answer common queries and provide general support to those in need. She shares her thoughts on the need to #EmbraceEquity, especially for women going through a separation.

What is your proudest achievement?

I recently got married! Throughout my career, people always have asked if divorce law has made me skeptical about marriage. Marriage is a beautiful thing and I always tell my clients that even if they get a divorce, it is never too late to try again and find your partner. Divorce is challenging and can feel like a long marathon, but once you cross that finish line, it’s an opportunity for a fresh start.

What changes have you made in your life to #EmbraceEquity?

I created Hong Kong Divorce with equity in mind, which is to provide every individual with free access to information that may be difficult to obtain without hiring costly solicitors and barristers. Whilst it does not provide legal advice, it does provide individuals with basic information on how to navigate divorce in Hong Kong, giving individuals the knowledge and power of how to proceed. There is also helpful information from mental health professionals and resources designed to assist families on an emotional level.

How do you see the position of women and girls in Hong Kong?

In divorce, women may sometimes feel at a disadvantage, especially in Hong Kong where traditional cultural values remain in place. Hong Kong Divorce aims to provide all individuals, regardless of gender with free access to information, with the knowledge that it will often be women feeling those cultural pressures who need better access to these resources. With this knowledge comes the power to make informed decisions for their future and the future of their children.

Hong Kong Divorce, www.hongkongdivorce.com, Facebook: Hong Kong Divorce

Other Women in Business:
Ziggy Makant — Women’s Health & Fitness Advocate
Crisel Consunji — Singer, Actress & Founder of Baumhaus
Betty Richardson — Food Writer & Influencer
Shima Shimizu — Founder of Foodcraft

5 Important Things to Do Before You File for Divorce

When a couple decides to divorce, it is usually never a spontaneous decision but rather a long evolving process that has culminated to this point over a period of time. It is important that during this process, you are prepared should you and your spouse decide to file for divorce. There are many things you can do to prepare for divorce and in this article, we will provide you with some useful tips on what to consider ahead of a divorce:

Thoughtfully Consider Whether Divorce Is Right For You: Before you jump into a decision to divorce, it is important that you thoughtfully consider whether divorce is the right option for you. Many couples for example, choose separation over divorce especially if there are health insurance or religious reasons to consider. Divorce is a life-changing decision and it should not be made spontaneously but considered over a period of time after you have had an opportunity to consider what divorce would mean for you and your children. During this time, you may want to speak to a therapist or even try couples counseling in an attempt to either solidify your decision to divorce or reconsider divorce.
Have Thorough Discussions With Your Spouse (and Children) and Your Solicitor: Before you divorce, you may want to have a series of discussions with your spouse about whether divorce is the right decision for you as a couple and for the family. In your discussions, you may want to discuss whether divorce is the right option for you as a couple and if you do divorce, how would that look. For example, in your discussions with your spouse, you could talk about how you want to divide finances or how to split care and control of the children. Generally speaking, if you have mature and reasoned discussions with your spouse prior to the filing of a divorce Petition, there is more possibility that your divorce will not be litigious since you and your spouse have discussed the divorce beforehand. If you surprise your spouse with divorce papers, there may be shock and feelings of betrayal involved which may not bode well going forward in the divorce. Additionally, you may want to schedule an initial meeting with a solicitor to discuss divorce and what it would mean for you to file for divorce and discuss your legal rights and any concerns/questions you may have related to a divorce. The solicitor will be able to guide you as to the timing of your divorce petition and the things to consider when filing for your divorce petition. This initial information-gathering meeting is important so that you are prepared for what’s to come.
Gather All Necessary Information/Documents For Your Divorce: If you have decided to divorce, you will want to start organizing your life. For example, this is now the time to gather all the necessary information/documentation related to your finances so that you are aware of your financial health. You will need to disclose this information to your solicitor who will then prepare all the necessary financial disclosure documents for the Court. If you do not have this information, it will be harder for your solicitor to prepare the financial disclosure documents that are necessary in your divorce. It is also not beneficial for you to be in the dark about your finances as you will need to prepare your life post-divorce and this includes being financially independent. In the event that you are filing a non-molestation order against your spouse, this is also the time to gather all the necessary documents and photos to support your allegations against your spouse. If you have children, it will be important to collect all the information/documentation related to their daily schedule and any other pertinent information you believe is necessary related to care and control.
Consider Your Wishes For The Divorce Regarding Finances and Children: After you have spoken to your spouse and had the initial information-gathering meeting with your solicitor, this may now be the time for you to consider what you want from the divorce. How do you want to move forward with the divorce? Do you want to attempt mediation first? Do you and your spouse already have an agreement in place prior to a divorce? Have you reviewed your finances to consider how much maintenance (if you are entitled to it) you will need to pay for your day-to-day needs and the needs of the children? How much time do you want with the children and/or how much time will you agree to your spouse having with the children? These are a few of the important questions to ponder upon and discuss with your solicitor.
Make Necessary Plans For Your Life Post-Divorce: Another aspect you should thoughtfully consider is how you want your life to look post-divorce. Do you plan to remain living in Hong Kong or do you want to relocate to another city/country? Will you propose to take the children with you? How much money will you need to sustain your lifestyle each month? Will you need to work or switch jobs? This is your time to brainstorm how you want to plan your life once you are divorced and to start making all the necessary plans to reach those goals. Your solicitor can assist you with this process and provide you with guidance on how you can reach your goals. You may also consider retaining a financial planner to help you with your finances and budget accordingly.

With all the tips above, the key component is open communication with both your spouse and solicitor and also knowing what you want both in a divorce and thereafter. Whilst it may be difficult, divorce should be viewed almost like a business transaction as you and your spouse are each now negotiating the best deal for oneself. It may be easy for emotions to get involved, but the less emotion involved, the easier the process will be. Speak to your solicitor who can help you through this challenging journey.

Divorcing Over 50

The unfortunate reality is that divorce can happen at any stage in a marriage. As relationships continuously evolve, there may come a point where it no longer works and both parties have decided to move on. For some couples, this can happen later in life and in some cases, after the children have grown and left the nest.

Divorce after 50 does not mean your life is over and it can be an opportune time to reevaluate your life and take advantage of the many opportunities and adventures that lie ahead. Here are some tips to help the transition.

Educate Yourself with your Divorce and your Finances: The divorce process is overwhelming at any age and regardless of what stage you are at in your life, it is important for you to become educated about your divorce and your rights. Make sure to speak with a solicitor so that you understand what the divorce process looks like, the timing of how things will progress, the details of your financial health in a divorce and most importantly, what the divorce will mean for your children if they are still under the age of 18 years. If your spouse was the main breadwinner and/or individual in charge of the finances in your marriage, now is the time to become acquainted with your finances and understand what your future finances will look like. This might also be an opportune time to hire a financial planner so that you know how much you can spend and how much you will need to save for the future. Will a divorce require you to find a job and earn income of your own? What additional income do you need to pay your day-to-day expenses? How much money can you save and will need to save post-divorce? These are some of the questions you will need to ask your financial planner so you are aware of your financial health. The goal is to become financially independent which will ultimately result in greater life satisfaction for you.
Start New Hobbies and Make New Friends: A divorce does not mean your life is over. Yes, it will mean that you will need to adapt to a new normal but that new normal can be exciting and full of adventure. If you still have minor children and they are not with you 100% of the time, the extra time that you have when your children are living with your spouse will give you the opportunity to spend time with friends, explore new hobbies and make new friends. Even if you are in your older years, it does not mean your life is over but rather it is just getting started and you now have a second chance opportunity to explore all the things you wish you could have done in your younger years. Starting new hobbies that may include physical fitness is a form of self-care which is so important if you are to find fulfilment and satisfaction in your life.
Start Dating: Your golden years is also an opportune time to start dating again. This is especially true if your children have grown up and moved away. Explore the dating world, get to know others and yourself in the process. Social connections are good for humans and building upon new relationships is what you might just need to move on and let go of the past.

Regardless of where you are at in the divorce process, it is important to see it as a new opportunity and new adventure to move forward in your life despite the difficulties of the journey. Be sure to surround yourself with supportive family and friends. It is also important to partner up with a solicitor that is supportive of you and provides you sound, reasonable advice so that he/she can make carry many of the legal burdens for you and support you along the way.

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

Children are resilient and it is true that in divorce, your child will adjust to the new normal that is established between you and your co-parent. It is important however, to remember that even if your child is adjusting well to a divorce, there are things you can do as a parent to help them adjust to the changes in a more seamless and healthy way. Here are some tips to consider to help ease the adjustment for your children in a divorce:

Do Not Involve The Children In The Divorce Process: One way to help your children adjust to the divorce is not to involve them in the divorce process. Many times, parents involve their children in a divorce by divulging details about the legal proceedings and the emotional difficulties the parent is facing in the divorce. It is important not to involve your children in the divorce because when you do involve them, it will cloud the way they see the other parent and this is not healthy for their relationship with the other parent. This could also be used as ammunition against you in legal proceedings and be classified as parental alienation. Rather than focus on the litigation fight, focus instead on the bigger picture. You and your ex-spouse will have to co-parent with one another for the rest of your lives. You will both want to be at your child’s wedding and will want to have an ongoing relationship with them forever. It is better to be at peace with your ex-spouse in the co-parenting journey rather than fight with one another and be embroiled in drama that is unnecessary and unhealthy for all individuals involved. Importantly, children are too young to understand the legal complexities of divorce. It is already difficult for adults to understand the legal issues in a divorce so imagine how hard it must be for children to understand it. If you want emotional support, rather than turn to the children, reach out instead to other family members or trusted friends to provide the support you need.
Promote and Facilitate Open Communication: As a co-parent it is imperative that you facilitate and encourage open communication. This includes open communication between the co-parent and the children, but it is also helpful if as co-parents, you are able to openly communicate with each other in cordial and friendly way. The way in which you communicate with one another will have a great impact on the way your children will view you and how they deal with their own relationships in the future. If you are involved in a litigious divorce and open communication is difficult, you do not have to apologize for the fact that communication is impossible with the co-parent. However, you can still encourage open communication and relationship between the co-parent and the children. Regardless of what you are feeling and the intense emotions you may have for the other parent, it should not impact the love and relationship you encourage between the children and the other parent. You want your child to have a good relationship with the other parent as it will impact their development. Having a strained or non-existent relationship with a parent will only have dire effects on a child and their future relationships going forward.
Consider Spending Time Together As A Family: This is a controversial tip however a good one to consider. It may be difficult, and almost impossible in some broken families to continue to spend time together as a family unit after a divorce, but it can be done. When it is done in a healthy way, the outcome can be beautiful and wonderful healthy relationships can be forged on the basis that even though “mommy and daddy” have divorced, there is still friendship. By establishing a friendship post-divorce with your ex-spouse, you are demonstrating to the children that the family is available to support him/her and that the family love is not lost. It may take time to achieve a healthy and peaceful dynamic but it is worth considering reaching for this post-divorce family goal!

Do not be shy about speaking with your solicitor on his/her tips on how to forge a healthy family dynamic post-divorce. Your divorce solicitor is not only there to provide you with legal advice but he/she can also provide you with tips on how to have a healthy divorce rather than a litigious divorce. If your divorce solicitor only encourages litigation and division among the family, you may want to consider another divorce solicitor, one who is more focused on helping you achieve a healthy dynamic post-divorce.

Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

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