Category Archives: Best Interests of Children

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

Children are resilient and it is true that in divorce, your child will adjust to the new normal that is established between you and your co-parent. It is important however, to remember that even if your child is adjusting well to a divorce, there are things you can do as a parent to help them adjust to the changes in a more seamless and healthy way. Here are some tips to consider to help ease the adjustment for your children in a divorce:

Do Not Involve The Children In The Divorce Process: One way to help your children adjust to the divorce is not to involve them in the divorce process. Many times, parents involve their children in a divorce by divulging details about the legal proceedings and the emotional difficulties the parent is facing in the divorce. It is important not to involve your children in the divorce because when you do involve them, it will cloud the way they see the other parent and this is not healthy for their relationship with the other parent. This could also be used as ammunition against you in legal proceedings and be classified as parental alienation. Rather than focus on the litigation fight, focus instead on the bigger picture. You and your ex-spouse will have to co-parent with one another for the rest of your lives. You will both want to be at your child’s wedding and will want to have an ongoing relationship with them forever. It is better to be at peace with your ex-spouse in the co-parenting journey rather than fight with one another and be embroiled in drama that is unnecessary and unhealthy for all individuals involved. Importantly, children are too young to understand the legal complexities of divorce. It is already difficult for adults to understand the legal issues in a divorce so imagine how hard it must be for children to understand it. If you want emotional support, rather than turn to the children, reach out instead to other family members or trusted friends to provide the support you need.
Promote and Facilitate Open Communication: As a co-parent it is imperative that you facilitate and encourage open communication. This includes open communication between the co-parent and the children, but it is also helpful if as co-parents, you are able to openly communicate with each other in cordial and friendly way. The way in which you communicate with one another will have a great impact on the way your children will view you and how they deal with their own relationships in the future. If you are involved in a litigious divorce and open communication is difficult, you do not have to apologize for the fact that communication is impossible with the co-parent. However, you can still encourage open communication and relationship between the co-parent and the children. Regardless of what you are feeling and the intense emotions you may have for the other parent, it should not impact the love and relationship you encourage between the children and the other parent. You want your child to have a good relationship with the other parent as it will impact their development. Having a strained or non-existent relationship with a parent will only have dire effects on a child and their future relationships going forward.
Consider Spending Time Together As A Family: This is a controversial tip however a good one to consider. It may be difficult, and almost impossible in some broken families to continue to spend time together as a family unit after a divorce, but it can be done. When it is done in a healthy way, the outcome can be beautiful and wonderful healthy relationships can be forged on the basis that even though “mommy and daddy” have divorced, there is still friendship. By establishing a friendship post-divorce with your ex-spouse, you are demonstrating to the children that the family is available to support him/her and that the family love is not lost. It may take time to achieve a healthy and peaceful dynamic but it is worth considering reaching for this post-divorce family goal!

Do not be shy about speaking with your solicitor on his/her tips on how to forge a healthy family dynamic post-divorce. Your divorce solicitor is not only there to provide you with legal advice but he/she can also provide you with tips on how to have a healthy divorce rather than a litigious divorce. If your divorce solicitor only encourages litigation and division among the family, you may want to consider another divorce solicitor, one who is more focused on helping you achieve a healthy dynamic post-divorce.

Considerations for Child Arrangements Ahead Of The Holidays

The holidays are fast approaching and for many, holiday plans have already been organized and tickets purchased to travel outside of Hong Kong. Hong Kong quarantine restrictions have loosened to the point that many individuals have taken this opportunity to fly out of Hong Kong after almost 3 years of heavy travel restrictions and hotel quarantine.

In addition to booking tickets and accommodation for the upcoming holidays, it is important that you also consider children’s arrangements if you are involved in a divorce and have to share custody/visitation of the children.

In preparation for the upcoming holiday season, here are some things to consider and discuss with your solicitor before you take the flight out of Hong Kong:

Clarify and Confirm Children’s Arrangements Ahead Of The Holidays: To avoid conflict with your spouse over the holidays, make sure that you are aware of the dates you are entitled to have the children during the holidays. Respect that your spouse is also entitled to have time with the children and ensure that any holiday bookings are within the timeframes allocated to you and does not encroach upon your spouse’s time with the children. To avoid conflict, it is a good idea to revisit your holiday custody plan and ensure that you and your spouse have discussed the holiday plans so that you are both on the same page and have both booked your holidays that respect each other’s time with your children. If there is conflict over timeshare during the holidays, it is best to resolve it before you fly out of Hong Kong rather than having to deal with a custody/visitation dispute whilst traveling and having it ruin you and more importantly your children’s holiday plans.
Provide Emergency Contact Details: Ahead of any holiday, it is imperative that you keep your spouse up-to-date on the children’s holiday plans. This includes providing emergency contact information and also a detailed itinerary of the children’s whereabouts during their travel, namely flight and other travel details. Your spouse is entitled to this information because as a parent he/she should always have access to the children and should be made aware of where the children will be staying and with whom. It is important that you do not make it difficult for your spouse by refusing to provide such important information about the children and their well-being during their travels. With that being said, it is important that when you are on holidays with the children, you allow the children to maintain contact with the other parent. Being on holidays is not a free pass for you not to stick with a “virtual” visitation schedule and you should do everything you can to facilitate communication between the children and the other parent even on holidays.
Ensure You Have Important Documents On Hand Before Travel: Before you travel with the children, it is important that you have all the necessary travel documentation to make your journey seamless. This includes up-to-date vaccination records especially with the ongoing Covid-19 virus and the related changing rules amongst various countries. You also might want to also take the time to speak directly with your solicitor as to whether you will need a Deed of Parenting ahead of travel. For example, if you and your children have a different last name and the parent with the same last name as the children is not traveling with you, immigration officials at various checkpoints might ask tough questions to ensure that the children are in fact your children. A Deed of Parenting will assist in avoiding such questions at border control and can easily be drafted by your solicitor prior to you leaving Hong Kong with the children.

If you have any concerns about taking the children on holiday and have concerns about potential issues with your spouse whilst on holiday, it is best to speak with your solicitor and iron out the details and any conflict before you leave Hong Kong. It will be more difficult to iron out details about the holidays when you’re already on holidays with the children. It is more trouble to have to deal with conflict with your spouse and having to communicate back and forth with your solicitors in Hong Kong when you should be having fun with the children and enjoying your time away from home.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Bryan Ho, Psychologist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Bryan Ho, a Chartered Psychologist. Dr. Ho was formally trained in Hong Kong and California, USA and received specialization degrees in Clinical Psychology and Trauma Psychology in Hong Kong and US. Dr. Ho’s practice is based in Hong Kong but he has psychologist qualifications both in the United Kingdom and Hong Kong.

In addition to his clinical practice, Dr. Ho has extensive experience in the areas of mental health. Dr. Ho has been a teaching faculty of psychiatric nursing at The Hong Kong Polytechnic University since 2012 and is now the Deputy Program Leader of the Bachelor of Mental Health Nursing at The Hong Kong Polytechnic University.

Dr. Ho, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

The reason I started my career in nursing as an undergraduate degree was due to a family issue. Nursing allowed me to lead a good quality of life at that time as it was during the 1997 financial Tsunami that Hong Kong had faced and it was revealed that there was need for nurses in the workforce.

After I graduated, I worked as a nurse for many years but then decided to pursue a second career in psychology as I had always had such a strong interest in psychology since I was very young. Psychology is an interesting line of work because it allows you to study the mind of a person and to understand.

You received a specialization training in Trauma Psychology. Can you tell us more about this and how it has expanded into your practice in Hong Kong?

Scientific research provides a clear explanation on how trauma psychology helps in healing a person who experiences trauma and loss. For example, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EDMR) therapy is a form of evidence based intervention specifically developed for reducing the power of traumatic memories.

When it comes to my professional practice, I will tailor approaches differently depending on my patient’s physical and mental condition and will find ways that could maximize the benefits towards them.

I undergo a comprehensive clinical interview with the client and get him/her to reacquaint themselves with the trauma and may revisit it to help the patient understand the trauma. This could help to alleviate their stress.

Despite from my training in cognitive therapy and psychodynamic therapy, I also enjoy helping my client from the perspective of bio-psychology. For example, taking a deep breath. An autonomic nervous system helps to regulate certain body processes, including rate of breathing and heart rate as such, this could help to relieve the problem and your mental health through regulating your emotions effectively.

If you are experiencing a complicated relationship or have broken up with your partner, stay in the “here and now” and talk to someone, whether it be a friend or a professional and before it gets worse.

Many individuals go through divorce and unfortunately, for some, this could be considered a life trauma as many describe divorce as going through a family death. How do you counsel those struggling with issues related to divorce?

I will try to engage in conversation and develop a therapeutic relationship with the clients, and of course to develop trust. This first allows me to understand the situation and to facilitate the process of therapeutic changes.

In case an individual is having a hard time during the divorce process, and they are desperately in need of some resources to support themselves, I would highly recommend them to seek assistance from a professional. These professional helpers include but are not limited to psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, psychiatric nurses, and pastors (with relevant training). In the event that they are less comfortable in speaking to a professional and prefer to do some online research, I would suggest that they only look for those reliable resources prepared by reputable institutions, such as The National Health Service, The Family Planning Association of Hong Kong or materials from educational institutions.

An important area of discord between parents is how to raise the children and co-parent after a divorce. What key issues do you see between parents during such struggles?

Divorcing parents can be irrational because of the emotions wrapped up in a divorce. It is wrong to use children as a weapon in divorce or separation and it is important for parents to understand that this harms the child in immense ways.

Children can sense a parent’s emotions and detect tension in the people who care for them, even as young as toddlers. If a parent cannot control their emotions and it erupts into an argument in front of a child, it is suggested to take a deep breath and calm down yourself, before carrying on the discussion. We should have the ability to manage our emotions, but we just forget to use these abilities temporarily. This means that we are able to undergo a discussion in a peaceful manner when we resume our control over our emotions.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

Parents must try to understand each other’s limitation and strengths. They should also be rational and avoid using their children as weapons in a divorce. And parents should also remember that it’s okay to reach out to professionals when in need and that includes mediators, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, psychiatric nurses, counselors, and religious professionals.

About Dr. Bryan Ho, Chartered Psychologist:

Dr. Ho is a Chartered Psychologist and focuses on health care.

Dr. Ho received an undergraduate degree in psychiatric nursing from The Hong Kong Polytechnic University and received postgraduate degrees in Trauma Psychology and Clinical Psychology in Hong Kong and US.

Apart from his role as a chartered psychologist, Dr. Ho has extensive experience in teaching psychiatric nursing at The Hong Kong Polytechnic University since 2012. Dr. Ho is now the Deputy Program Leader of the Bachelors of Mental Health Nursing at The Hong Kong Polytechnic University.

Children’s Views in Divorce and Their Mental Health

As part of our series on mental health, we have discussed with several mental health professionals the key to assisting children through divorce and the “new normal” that a child will face in divorce.

One of the key factors in helping to ease the pain a child may go through in divorce as expressed by several mental health professionals in Hong Kong is to create an open environment for a child to communicate with their parents without the fear of reprimand or shame.

In a divorce, a child may have a lot of questions about what is to come and the uncertainty can sometimes be more frightening then the reality itself.

Here are some tips on how to ease the burden of divorce upon your child and some of the key questions your child may have throughout the daunting process:

Will A Child Have A Voice In Divorce?: One of the key questions a child may have in the divorce process is whether his/her wishes and desires will be considered in the decision-making process or whether the child will simply have to follow along with what the parents and the courts decide for his/her life. Whilst it is appropriate for a young child to have the parents make the necessary decisions in their best interests, an older child may be allowed to voice their wishes and desires in the Family Court proceedings. In Hong Kong, the Family Courts will appoint a Social Welfare Officer to assist in the decision-making process of the Judge to determine what is in a child’s best interest. This is done through various in-depth interviews with the child and in some cases, by having psychological reports conducted. Generally speaking, it is always an ideal situation if the parents can agree on the best interests of the child rather than having Court-appointed strangers make the decision for them. Thus, this brings in the importance of having healthy co-parenting relationships in order to make compromised and healthy decisions for the children of the family. Many times, having open communication with your child will assist in the decision-making process of the parents because the child’s wishes are respected and taken into consideration.

Parental Disputes Should Not Be Resolved Through A Child: Many times, children are caught in the middle of parental disputes especially when the parents cannot get along and are fighting a legal battle in the Family Court. The worst thing parents can do is drag the child into the litigation. Many times, this is done by the parents discussing the divorce with the child, asking for emotional support from the child about the divorce and bad-mouthing the other parent so as to alienate the child from the other parent. It is important for a child to understand that the divorce is an adult issue to be discussed and resolved between the two parents. It is not for children to become involved in the divorce or be used as pawns in the negotiation process of the divorce. Children should not be seen or used as messengers and thus, any necessary communication should be between the parents and not through the child. Whilst it may be tempting to use a child as a weapon in a divorce, it is important for parents to do their best to refrain from such behaviour and instead find that support from other adults it be solicitors, barristers, friends or other family members. Children are not designed to handle the burdens of a divorce and such trauma could result in disruptive behaviours, anxiety and other psychological issues.

Healthy Co-Parenting Means Healthy Children: Having a healthy co-parenting relationship provides a child with an example of how broken families can still function in a respectful, friendly and loving way. Healthy co-parenting means respectful language is used when communicating with the other parent, refusing to bad-mouth the other parent when disappointed by the other parent’s actions and keeping adult conversations between the adults. Healthy co-parenting also means respecting the other person’s time and encouraging a relationship between the child and the other parent. In a divorce, one of the key concerns that a child may have is whether they will be able to spend time with the other parent (the non-custodial parent). In Hong Kong, one parent is typically provided with “care and control” and this parent is usually the primary caregiver on a day-to-day basis. The other parent is granted “access” and is considered by the Family Court, the “non-custodial parent.” When the non-custodial parent is granted “access” to the child, the primary parent should facilitate access so that the child can spend time with the other parent as agreed or by the Court order. Making access difficult not only creates tension between the parents but it also places an overwhelming burden on the child who then believes he/she must pick sides between the parents.

Whilst divorce is a difficult process for adults, the children also suffer greatly and they also must process the change. Children need their parents to help them through the process and cannot rely on themselves to get through the ordeal. Thus, if you need assistance through the divorce, speak to friends, family and professionals to help you navigate the challenges. Speaking with your solicitor will also be helpful as your solicitor has seen many families through a divorce and can provide you with useful tips on how to navigate the challenges that you face and the challenges that your children face.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Henry Kwok, Psychiatrist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Henry Kwok, a Hong Kong based psychiatrist with special interests in the mental health of children and adolescents, as well as individuals with intellectual disabilities. He also provides psychiatric examinations and medical reports for the Courts in Hong Kong. Dr. Kwok serves many Non-Government Organizations (NGOs), special school, patient support groups and parent associations in Hong Kong

Dr. Kwok, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I received my basic medical and psychiatric training in Hong Kong. Then I undertook specialist training at various institutes and hospitals in Hong Kong, United Kingdom, the Netherlands and in the USA. My work as a service head, clinician, researcher and academic in the field of psychiatry extends back to three decades. Internationally, I have served organizations including the World Psychiatric Association (WPA) and the World Health Organization (WHO). Currently I am a psychiatrist in private practice.

Your interest is on mental health and you have worked with children and adolescents in Hong Kong. Can you tell us more about your experience with this age group and what challenges children and adolescents are facing in Hong Kong at this time?

I have seen children and adolescents with all sorts of emotional and behavioural problems. There is also a group with special educational needs such as Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

It is certainly a very challenging period of time for children in Hong Kong. There are many pressures that children face in Hong Kong and I can name a few that are exceptionally highlighted in our society. I think the most important challenge children face is academic. There is so much pressure on the academic side in Hong Kong because parents and teachers push students to work hard and get good grades. In Hong Kong there is also societal stress related to competition that children encounter among their peers and through various social media and this can cause conflict with their parents.

Another significant stress for children is family conflicts. There is a high rate of divorce in Hong Kong and before parents divorce, there is usually a long period of time where marital discord affects the emotional and psychological development of children. The living space in Hong Kong is also very small and many children live in partitioned flats and/or public housing and so they may not have sufficient private space to study and play and this can affect their mental well-being. The excessive use of the internet by children is another source of clashes between parents and their children.

Finance is also a big stress right now in Hong Kong especially with Covid-19 as parents are under stress to meet not only the material needs of their children but also other areas such as extra-curricular activities. We also know in Hong Kong there are recent waves of families leaving Hong Kong so children have to prepare to face new environments where there are language and cultural differences.

It has been reported that Hong Kong is seeing a record number of suicides. From your review and analysis, what do you think is the root cause of this problem and what can be done to help those who are struggling mentally?

When children and adolescents are under tremendous stress, they might not have adequate coping strategies and support from their parents or teachers. There are parents who may not be sensitive to their children’s emotional needs and some parents use the wrong methods to discipline or relate to their children. This may result in children and adolescents becoming excessively anxious or worried and this can further lead to depressed moods and feelings of hopelessness or uselessness. What follows from this is that a child may begin to develop self-harm behaviours or suicidal thoughts. I have seen a girl of age 4 who voiced that she wanted to die and jump out of the window when she was emotionally upset.

Help has to be tailor-made and individualized with an overall assessment not only of the child but of the whole family because parents are very important in supporting the child in such circumstances. If parents are not adequate and not skillful, we have to teach them to improve their parenting skills and also find some professional assistance for them. We may refer them to psychologists and/or social workers for further therapy or advice.

Divorce is considered a traumatic event both for the individuals going through a divorce, but also for the children/adolescents involved. What key issues have you observed with children/adolescents going through their parents’ divorce?

In a divorce, there are positive and negative sides to it. On the positive side, it is an end to an unhappy marriage and the child is no longer exposed to the conflict on a day-to-day basis. On the negative side, one of the parents will live apart from the child and it simply becomes a reality that the live-out parent will not spend as much time as they once did with the children. It becomes extremely destructive if one parent engages in parental alienation and refuses the other parent to see the child or bad-mouths the parents to the child. This is a big problem as it paints a bad image to the child and the child then becomes confused as to whether the other parent still loves them. This may generate feelings of uncertainty and anxiety within a child and could then result in academic failures, disruptive behaviours or even substance abuse (for older children). Parents must therefore be aware that the child is the victim of divorce.

What advice can you give parents who are struggling with divorce and who are trying to help their children come to terms with the “new normal” of a broken family unit?

As a psychiatrist, the purpose is to minimize emotional harm to the child so they can continue to have normal development as much as possible. This involves communication with the parents and to include other professionals of other disciplines who could assist in helping to re-build the family again post-divorce.

What is most important is the child’s overall well-being and so it is our hope that the parents will always remember to put their child’s best-interest first even if the marriage breaks down. A key way to help ease the burden among a child is for parents to remain active and present in their life.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

I think it is not easy to co-parent especially if the anger and resentment carry on after the divorce. However, it’s important not to see or treat the other parent as an enemy since the focus is on the child and the best interests of the child should be respected. If there are issues communicating, it might be wise to employ a middle man who can help in communication and if the child is old enough, invite the child into important decision-making to at least provide them with a voice to speak about their desires and wishes and to allow both parents to receive that information directly from the child him/herself.

Dr. Henry W M Kwok

M.B.,B.S.(HK), MRCPsych, FHKCPsych, FHKAM(Psychiatry), FRCPsych
Room 821, 8/F, Leighton Centre, 77 Leighton Road, Hong Kong

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

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