Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Abuse in Divorce

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Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Abuse in Divorce

In litigious divorce cases, one of the issues co-parents may have to deal with is parental alienation.  Parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child such that the child refuses to have a relationship with the other parent and as a result, hostilities abound.  Many times, parental alienation is tied to narcissistic behaviour.  An individual with narcissistic traits will thrive on the use of control and manipulation in order to retain what he/she deems as the “perfect image.” Parental alienation, whilst may be satisfying to the alienating parent, will have devastating effects on a child and the alienated/loving parent and is never in the best interests of the child.

Here are a few things to consider and look out for if you are involved in a divorce with a narcissist and dealing with parental alienation:

  1. Look for Potential Warning Signs of Parental Alienation:
    Each and every situation look different and your warning signs will be specific to you. However, here are a few of the more common signs to look out for: the alienating parent will vilify the loving parent; vilification of the loving parent may then extend to his/her extended family and friends; the alienating parent will employ guilt trips upon the child in order to obtain a desired result; the alienating parent’s projected feelings about the loving parent may be highlighted in the child’s own opinion.  These warning signs can be displayed in certain behaviour such as the following examples:  The alienating parent will refuse to respect the loving parent’s time with the child; the alienating parent will tell the child about adult issues including that the loving parent does not love or care about the child; the alienating parent will guilt trip the child by acting hurt if the child is nice to the other parent; the alienating parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent.  Ultimately, at the core of parental alienation is that the child is left in the middle feeling as if he/she has to choose between one parent over the other.  A healthy message that should normally be relayed to a child is that he/she does not have to choose between either parent and that both parents, despite being divorced, love the child and want what is best for him/her.  This idea of healthy parenting is not a concept that a narcissistic abusive co-parent can understand.
  2. Be Aware of the Risks:
    The main risk of parental alienation is that it will cause destruction in the relationship between the child and the loving parent, despite the fact that it is the alienating parent who is causing the divide between what once was a healthy relationship. Many times, a relationship between a child and loving parent is irreparably destroyed due to parental alienation caused by the narcissistic parent. What results is either a toxic/resentful relationship between the child and loving parent, or in the worst-case scenario, no relationship will be in existence between the loving parent and the child. This ultimately is the goal of a narcissistic parent who aims to destroy the relationship between the loving parent and the child.  This then allows the narcissistic parent to have full control of the child and full control over the loving parent.  It is therefore important to be aware of the warning signs of narcissistic parental alienation before it gets to the point where no relationship exists between the loving parent and the child.
  3. Do Not Compete:
    If you are up against a narcissistic parent who is indulging in a parental alienation campaign, it is important that you do not try and compete with this individual and his/her behaviour. Instead, it is important to focus on your own parenting styleyou’re your own relationship with the child that is focused on healthy values. Whilst a narcissistic parent may try and bribe a child with gifts and excess, it is important to instead focus on parenting your child with love, empathy, stability, truth, presence and a peaceful environment.  Long-term, this will prevail once a child is old enough to comprehend the full picture of what has been occurring.
  4. Ask for Help:
    Dealing with a narcissistic abusive co-parent is not an easy task and should not be handled alone. You should be asking for help from third-parties such as family and friends who can maybe intervene and assist in the peaceful communication between you and your co-parent. You may also need to speak with a therapist to learn how to deal with a narcissistic abusive co-parent and develop your skills on how to communicate with him/her and with your child. In very difficult cases, you may also need to seek solicitor advice as your solicitor may be able to assist in finding a solution for your situation.
  5. Take Care Of Yourself:
    Finally, it is important that you take care of yourself when dealing with a narcissist in your co-parenting journey. It is a difficult task to deal with someone who may be manipulating and attempting to control you and your child. It is important that you take time for yourself, whether it is talking it out with a therapist or spending time with family and friends, enjoying the hobbies that make you happy and strengthening yourself so that you are able to create boundaries with your co-parent and learn to be mentally strong despite the circumstances.

If your co-parent escalates his/her narcissistic behavour to physical abuse, this is when you will need to seek professional assistance and report any abuse to the authorities.  Speak to someone who can support you in safely reporting any abuse to authorities and ensure that you and your child are not in danger. This is also the time to speak with your solicitor so he/she can assist with legal action in protecting you and your child against an abusive spouse.

Finding The Right Solicitor In A Divorce

When a decision is made to divorce, you are forced to become familiar with the legal world and what may seem like, a legal minefield. This is not an easy task given the legal jargon and technicalities involved in filing for divorce and navigating it until the end. Whilst some couples attempt to navigate the legal process on their own, others choose to hire legal representatives (solicitors and barristers) to assist them and take charge of the legal process. Finding legal representation should not be taken lightly because your relationship with your solicitor will last for a significant period of time and may even extend beyond the actual divorce if there are post-divorce issues to be ironed out.
Here are tips on what to look for when searching for the right divorce solicitor:

1. Do Your Research: Before you decide on a solicitor to assist with your divorce, conduct your own research on who you might want to hire. Conduct an online search and see if any articles or reviews have been posted about the solicitor or his/her law firm. Take your research outside of the Web and ask friends or extended family for a referral. Word of mouth is a great resource. By chatting with others in your community, you will get a better sense of the solicitor’s reputation in the community and whether he/she will be a good fit for you and what you are hoping to achieve in your divorce. Some solicitors have a more aggressive approach to divorce, whilst others are more mediation/settlement minded. You should consider how you want to approach your divorce and your goals and whether it aligns with your solicitor. You should also consider the financial impact a divorce will have on the matrimonial pot and approach your solicitor with that in mind as legal fees will skyrocket the more you litigate.

2. Ask Questions: Before you sign an engagement letter to hire your solicitor, do not be afraid to ask a lot of questions. How does the solicitor bill for his or her work? What is the solicitor’s hourly billing rate? Does the solicitor have assistants and paralegals? If so, will they be doing a significant portion of the work on your case? What are the hourly billing rates for assistants and paralegals working on your case? These questions are important because it will help you determine if you can afford the solicitor’s services going forward. Divorce is a long and expensive process. The initial retainer fee/costs on account will only get you so far and often, you can expect to pay additional fees and costs going forward. An initial meeting with the solicitor is also important because you can see if you and the solicitor are on the same page and whether your personalities gel together. This will be a long working relationship so it’s important that you and your solicitor work well together.

3. Don’t Be Afraid To Make Decisions: If you’ve hired a solicitor and come to find you are not happy with the relationship, do not be afraid to first discuss the issues you have with your solicitor in a transparent and frank conversation with your solicitor. If that is insufficient, then do not be afraid to change your solicitor and find a solicitor that is right for you. While you do not want to get into the habit of switching solicitors on a frequent basis, it is not unreasonable to change your representation when there is a true breakdown in the relationship between you and your solicitor. You may be hesitant to switch your solicitor after investing so much time and money, but remember you are likely to save more money in the long run with the right solicitor and get the results you desire with the right partnership.

Finding the right solicitor to handle your divorce is crucial. The right working relationship will determine the trajectory of your divorce, so make an informed decision before you navigate the legal landscape.

Misconduct In Divorce

In what will be considered one of the most stressful times in an individual’s life, it is no surprise that many people behave badly during a divorce. It is a stressful life event, that many reckon to be on par with the death of a family member.  With that being said, it is important that if you are going through a divorce, your conduct throughout the proceedings is important and it could have an impact on your divorce.  To behave poorly is a reflection not only on your character but also affects the actual outcome of your divorce.

In a divorce, your conduct in the course of proceedings can be taken into account by the judge, although generally speaking misconduct during the proceedings is more properly dealt with in an adverse application for costs against you.

What are some examples of “bad behaviour” and misconduct in a divorce? Wanton dissipation/reckless dissipation of assets is one form of misconduct.  In KMD v PIB [2011] HKFLR 351, the husband was excessively spending on his lifestyle as well as his hobby of flying helicopters and this was taken into account by the court, resulting in HK$1.2 million being “added back” from his 50% shares into the matrimonial pot for division.  In MKKWH v RKSH [2013] HKFLR 540, the husband maintained three (3) other families over a period of years and post-separation the wife sought to add back an equivalent sum of monies that her husband had spent on his other families.  In this case, the Court of Appeal refused the wife’s application to add back these funds on the basis that the funds had been received post-separation. In A v B [2017] 1 HKLRD 187, the court held that payments to a girlfriend of HK$1.2 million was “wanton” and “reckless” and “extravagant” in view of the marital assets and the standard of living, and the court therefore added back into the matrimonial pot, the non-marital spending.

Material non-disclosure is another form of misconduct in litigation such as monies being hidden.  In SANK v PGN [2011] HKFLR 390, the court considered whether a husband’s non-disclosure and refusal to mediate should result in a costs award to the wife.  The court concluded that “[t]here are many reasons which may affect the court in considering costs, such as culpability in the conduct of the litigation; for instance material non-disclosure of documents.”  Parties to a divorce have a duty of full and frank disclosure and by failing to disclose, the courts will take this misconduct into consideration.

Another form of misconduct is a refusal to attempt to settle. In LWF v LMF [2015] HKFC 146, the wife’s failure to respond and attempt to negotiate was a relevant factor for the husband being awarded costs.  The same misconduct label is also attached to litigants who refuse to provide evidence and/or participate in proceedings such as filing necessary paperwork and/or attending court hearings.  By refusing to participate, the court will have no choice but to see the case as one-sided and only make decisions based on the actual evidence in front of the court.

The courts in Hong Kong have a duty to have regard to the conduct of the parties to a marriage.  Negative marital conduct can be detailed in sworn affidavits filed with the court and will be considered by the court as a material factor in allowing the court to depart from equality (See LKW v DD). However, it is to be noted that if there is a departure from equality, the courts will look for “obvious and gross” misconduct for it to be taken into account.

Domestic Violence in Turbulent Times

The United Nations recently urged action to combat the worldwide surge in domestic violence due to Covid-19 as many victims are now trapped in the same household as their perpetrators.  According to The New York Times, domestic violence hotlines are lighting up with abuse reports and the safety of victims are at the forefront of this crisis and many health specialists state that it is no surprise that domestic violence cases rise when families are forced to spend more time together.

So, what can victims do when they are being terrorized at home during lockdown or when social distancing measures are in place and home is meant to be a “safe zone”?

First and foremost, it is important that victims feel safe enough to reach out to family and friends – finding a way to safely ask for help is the first step.  A second step is to be able to remove oneself from the very space that causes anxiety, fear, intimidation and violence.  Given the dynamics of the current global crisis with Covid-19, many families, friends, organizations and health specialists are providing additional services/assistance to those in need, including private chat groups to alert others you are in need of help.

In Hong Kong, social organizations are also on-hand and available to assist domestic violence victims including Harmony House which has a separate women, men and children hotline or the Social Welfare Department of Hong Kong which provides victim support for family violence.

For your reference, here are the linked websites for Harmony House and the Social Welfare Department of Hong Kong.

  1. Harmony House: https://www.harmonyhousehk.org/eng
  2. Social Welfare Department of Hong Kong: https://www.swd.gov.hk/en/index/site_pubsvc/page_family/sub_listofserv/id_VSPforVFV/

Domestic violence victims can also seek assistance through the Family Court in Hong Kong and are eligible for protection under the Domestic and Cohabitation Relationships Ordinance (Cap. 189).  Under this Ordinance, a victim can apply for an injunction order.

When you apply for an injunction order, you can ask the Court to:

  1. Stop the offender from using violence or threat of violence against you or a child living with you; or
  2. Exclude the offender from the matrimonial home regardless of ownership of the property and to prevent the offender from entering into the home.

These requests can be made by way of:

  1. Non-molestation Order: asking the Family Court to restrain the offender from molesting you or restraining the offender from molesting your child. In Hong Kong, molestation is interpreted to cover use or threat of violence which can be widely interpreted by the Court.
  2. Ouster Order: asking the Family Court to prohibit the offender from entering or remaining in the home, a specified part of the home or specified area whether or not you live in that area
  3. Re-entry Order: asking the Family Court to permit you to enter and remain in the home or a specified part, or permit your child to enter and remain in the home.
  4. Participation in a Programme Order: asking the Family Court to order that the offender participate in a Programme approved by and arranged by the Director of Social Welfare aimed at changing the attitude and behaviour
  5. Variation or Suspension of Custody or Access Order: asking the Family Court to vary or suspend orders with respect to custody or access related to your child in your application.

If the Family Court issues an injunction order to prevent a perpetrator from molesting you and continued harassment, the order may last up to a maximum of 24 months and may be renewed if the Family Court sees fit. Once an injunction order has been made, the perpetrator must comply and if an authorization of arrest has been made by the Court, the perpetrator will be arrested by a police officer if the order is breached.

If you’re a victim requiring Family Court assistance, you can also contact the Family Court directly and even during Covid-19 times, the Family Court is hearing emergency applications so do not be apprehensive about seeking help from the Family Court.

Your application can be filed with The Family Court Registry which is located at:

M2, Wanchai Law Courts, Wanchai Tower, 12 Harbour Road, Hong Kong

Telephone: 852 2840 1218

Fax: 852 2523 9170

Email: familycourt@judiciary.hk

 

To apply for an injunction in Hong Kong, you must fill out the following:

  1. An Application
  2. An Ex-Parte Summons which is an emergency application where there is imminent risk of harm
  3. A supporting affidavit where you outline what actually occurred and it is signed under oath
  4. A draft order containing the orders or remedies you are seeking
  5. An affidavit of personal service to be filed by the server once personal service has been accomplished

When filing your application for an injunction and you prepare an affidavit, be sure to provide as much detail as possible about the molestation and other relevant information including any imminent harm you are in fear of.  The more detailed, the better so the Family Court can issue the appropriate relief based on the information you provide.

Finally, it is important to note that domestic violence does not have to only be characterized by physical abuse, but can also include verbal and psychological abuse.  If you believe you are a victim of domestic abuse, please reach out to family, friends, domestic violence assistance organizations or the police at 999 so you can get the help you need during these turbulent times.

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