Spotlight Profile – Dr. Adrian Tong, Counselling Psychologist and University Lecturer

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Spotlight Profile – Dr. Adrian Tong, Counselling Psychologist and University Lecturer

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Adrian Tong.  Adrian is a counselling psychologist and lecturer at Hong Kong Shue Yan University with a research interest in psychological intervention process, parental stress and parenting and acceptance and commitment therapy.

 

Adrian, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. 

It is my honor to be here with you. Thank you for the invitation.

 

First off, can you tell us a little bit about your background and training so our readers can get to know you better and your area of specialty?

I am a counseling psychologist and lecturer at Hong Kong Shue Yan University. Over the past several years, I have had the privilege of providing counseling services to individuals facing psychological distress, as well as couples and families dealing with communication disputes. My research primarily focuses on the areas of parental distress, parenting, children’s behavior, and special educational needs. Furthermore, I have a keen interest in the process of psychotherapy, particularly in acceptance and commitment therapy. In addition to my counseling work, I also provide supervision to counseling students at both the master’s and bachelor’s levels.

 

As a counselling psychologist, what is your main role in helping those going through distressing times?

Within the field of counseling psychology, a wide range of psychotherapy approaches are employed to cater to the unique needs of clients, for example, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT), client-centered therapy (CCT), psychoanalytic therapy, and more. By utilizing these various therapeutic approaches, counseling psychologists collaborate with their clients to explore the underlying disturbances that impact their emotional well-being and daily functioning. While our behaviors are observable, they often stem from deeper yearnings and unmet needs. These hidden aspects of ourselves can influence our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Through the therapeutic process, counseling psychologists help clients uncover and understand these underlying yearnings, facilitating insight and personal growth.

The interventions employed by counseling psychologists vary depending on the chosen therapeutic approach. These interventions aim to reduce the negative impact of these hidden yearnings on individuals’ lives. By addressing these underlying disturbances, counseling psychologists work towards alleviating distress and promoting emotional well-being.

However, the role of a counseling psychologist extends beyond symptom reduction. It is also about fostering self-awareness and facilitating personal growth. By helping individuals develop a deeper understanding of themselves, counseling psychologists empower clients to make meaningful changes in their lives. This journey of self-discovery and self-actualization allows individuals and families to access their full potential, even in the face of life’s challenges.

 

An area of research interest and specialization is acceptance and commitment therapy. What is this and how does this play into a scenario such as divorce?

The experience of divorce often brings about extreme distress for individuals. It is not solely due to the significant life changes that occur, but also because individuals may develop negative perceptions of themselves or life in general. Some may internalize blame and responsibility, harboring thoughts such as “I am a bad wife/husband,” “I always mess things up,” or “No one will ever love me because I am not attractive.” Others may develop negative perceptions about the world, believing statements such as “All men are irresponsible,” “All women lack empathy,” or “There is no true love in the world.”

According to acceptance and commitment therapy, it is not the events themselves that directly cause distress, but rather how we perceive and interpret those events. It is normal to have negative thoughts when faced with distressing situations. However, if we overly identify with and believe these thoughts, it can become problematic. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and pain, further exacerbating the distress.

In acceptance and commitment therapy, the aim is to help individuals or couples acknowledge that experiencing distress and having negative perceptions is a normal part of the human experience. However, these thoughts and perceptions do not define who we are as individuals. The goal is to assist clients in distancing themselves from these negative thoughts and perceptions, recognizing that they are separate from their true selves.

Through acceptance and commitment therapy, individuals are encouraged to cultivate mindfulness and self-compassion. By developing a non-judgmental awareness of their thoughts and emotions, they can begin to observe these negative perceptions without becoming entangled in them. This process enables individuals to create psychological distance from their distressing thoughts, allowing them to redefine themselves and their experiences in a more empowering and adaptive way.

In summary, during divorce or other distressing events, acceptance and commitment therapy offers a framework for understanding and managing the distress that arises from negative perceptions. By recognizing the normalcy of these thoughts and perceptions, individuals can work towards disentangling themselves from them and embracing a more compassionate and accepting view of themselves and the world around them.

 

You also work on patients with parental stress and parenting.  What prevalent issues are you witnesses now especially in Hong Kong and what advice are you giving to those parents struggling through this?

In my observations, I have noticed some common patterns among parents who experience high levels of parental stress. While there is undoubtedly a strong correlation between children’s behaviors and parental stress, it is important to recognize that events themselves are just events. What truly matters is how we perceive and interpret these events when it comes to parental stress. There are several common factors that can significantly impact parental stress levels.

Firstly, one influential factor is the cultural norm of “Face” in Chinese society. Parents often fear losing face when their children behave poorly, underachieve academically, or lack ambitious future aspirations. It is essential to remember that failures are a natural part of the developmental process. Current setbacks or failures do not necessarily imply future failures. Children need time to develop, learn, and improve. It is crucial for parents to adopt a growth mindset and support their children’s progress rather than solely focusing on external judgments.

Secondly, parents may experience anxiety and worry about how others perceive their parenting abilities. The fear of being judged negatively by others can be overwhelming, leading parents to place undue stress on trying to shape their children’s behavior according to societal expectations. In their efforts to maintain a positive image, parents may inadvertently hinder their children’s natural growth and development. It is important for parents to remember that each child is unique, and that parenting is a dynamic and evolving process.

Parenting styles are influenced by parents’ values and self-awareness. To prevent hindering their children’s development, it is important for parents to be aware of their values regarding “face” and how others perceive them. Prioritizing self-compassion and self-care is crucial before focusing on children’s development. Many Hong Kong parents love their children deeply but tend to neglect themselves in the process.

By cultivating self-compassion and engaging in self-care, parents can enhance their emotional well-being and provide a more balanced and nurturing environment for their children. Taking care of oneself is not selfish but rather essential for effective parenting.

 

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce?  What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

Going through a divorce is undeniably distressing. Therefore, before delving into discussions about co-parenting, it is crucial to communicate with your ex-partner regarding the state of your relationship. By establishing clearer boundaries and resolving personal distress related to this life-changing event, you can gain a clearer mindset on how to effectively co-parent your children. This approach is beneficial in minimizing harm to the children.

Once personal and couple issues have been addressed, I suggest that parents establish a well-defined co-parenting schedule. It is important to involve the children in this decision-making process. They not only have the right to understand the current situation, but also the right to choose what is in their best interest. It is equally important to reassure them that both parents still love them equally. Therefore, maintaining a balanced co-parenting schedule and consistent routines is crucial in helping them believe that both parents are always there for them.

 

Is there anything else you would like to address before we say goodbye?

Sure, remember that life is filled with obstacles and uncertainties that often don’t align with our plans. It’s essential to remain flexible and wholeheartedly embrace our present experiences. And now, let me present a motto to encapsulate this sentiment.

“Embrace Life’s Flow, Obstacles Come and Go.”

 

About Dr. Adrian Ka-Ho Tong, Counselling Psychologist & Lecturer

Adrian TongDr. Adrian Tong is a highly accomplished counseling psychologist with a diverse educational background. Having earned a Doctor of Psychology in Counseling Psychology, a Master of Social Science in Counseling, and a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, he brings a wealth of knowledge and expertise to his work. Currently, Dr. Tong holds multiple roles, including serving as a counseling psychologist at St. John’s Cathedral Counseling Centre, where he provides invaluable support to individuals and couples seeking guidance and healing. Additionally, he shares his wealth of knowledge as a lecturer at Hong Kong Shue Yan University and serves as a clinical supervisor at Hong Kong Polytechnic University. Dr. Tong’s specific areas of interest revolve around the process of psychotherapy, parenting dynamics, parental stress, children’s behaviors, and special educational needs. Through his varied roles, Dr. Adrian Tong continues to make a significant impact in the field of counseling psychology, enriching the lives of individuals, families, and the community as a whole.

Spotlight Profile – Man B.W. CHUNG, Marriage Counselor, Parenting Coordinator and Accredited Family Mediation Supervisor

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Man B.W. Chung, a marriage counselor, parenting coordinator and accredited family mediation supervisor in a NGO in Hong Kong.  In her capacity of playing the role, Ms. Chung handles over 40 mediation cases and 20 child-intervention cases in a year.

Ms. Chung, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. 

Thank you for inviting me.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a social worker and I have been working with youngsters since I was graduated.  I have furthered my study in the area of Family Mediation and Family Therapy and have worked in the area of divorce in recent years.  I am practicing the Therapeutic Family Mediation Approach and making use of Child-inclusive Mediation Model in conducting family works in restoring family functioning whilst they are in turmoil of the marriage.

Let’s first dive into your work as a marriage counselor.  What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples after three (3) very difficult years of living with the Covid-19 pandemic?

I could respond with the word “challenging” to describe the post-pandemic era.  We all know that the lockdown situation posed high pressure to people in Hong Kong, which then aroused conflict within family members.  Along with the waves of emigration after these social incidents, some couples have had trouble possessing similar points of view or expectation towards their future.  As a result, I have come across divorce cases where there is fierce conflict or talks about “leave or stay” as well as the relocation of children.  We can foresee that the divorce rate could break the record high this year.

What practical advice do you see yourself giving to couples who are going through marriage difficulties right now? What can they do re-ignite the love and passion in their marriage and get through difficulties?

It is understandable that couples facing difficulties would tend to quit as they are usually on the verge of emotional outburst or being disconnected in their relationship.  In my daily practice, couples usually see marriage with a myth that divorce could end every problematic situation.  I could respond to them that, divorce brings another set of problems for us to face.  The accountable solutions may be resolving the problem or enhancing problem solving skills instead.

Couples have their own past history that they cherish and their yearning of attachment to each other.  In other words, they have their own positive communication channel inside.  Our responsibility is to remove the communication blockages between them by encouraging them listen to each other, try to feel others’ emotion inside and allow them to share their own vulnerability.  Sometimes, they only need others’ understanding and acknowledgment.

I always suggest couples seek professional assistance as early as they can, before the relationship becomes frozen or there is too much hatred aroused.

What is the difference between your work as a marriage counselor and as a family mediator?

A marriage counselor would aim at reconciliation in a couples’ relationship and a family mediator would aim at resolving disputes while the couple decided to divorce.   It seems that the two services are working towards two directions but our service delivery is at the cross-section of the two domains.  We could see, firstly, that the divorce decision is a dynamic that could potentially be reversed upon intervention with mediation or counseling.  Secondly, the practice of Therapeutic Family Mediation is also an aim at rebuilding couples’ relationship to a reasonable level that facilitates a communicable co-parenting environment for the growth of children.   Therefore, a family mediator bearing two sets of techniques may benefit families in overcoming their difficulties with different direction.

When is family mediation necessary? What role does family mediation play?

The family mediation plays a role of dispute resolution within the divorce procedure.  Couples may need to seek assistance  from the start of their communication of plans to separate.  I would also suggest couples to approach counselors or family therapists as soon as the idea of divorce arises.

In divorce, a parenting coordinator can be helpful and sometimes extremely necessary.  Can you please explain the role you play as a parenting coordinator?

Parenting coordination is challenging as there are usually a lot of hurts and conflicts between spouses in their divorce.  Most of the time, their conflicts involve parenting.  Hurts also trigger hatreds that affect their decision making.  In my opinion, a minimal intervention to relationship recovery for the divorced couple may help while their relationship could return to a co-operative level that facilitates rational co-parenting, as I’ve stated above.  Frankly speaking, if parents could communicate, we have no need to do too much in terms of parenting coordination.  While we are playing the role as a parenting coordinator, we sit in between spouses and take a neutral stance with passionate understanding to each party’s needs.

What are the pros and cons of having a parenting coordinator during and post-divorce?

Of course, if co-parenting does not function in some families, immediate intervention is significant for maintaining the daily lives of children.  It is the ultimate goal of all our practitioners, to try to lower the negative effect divorce may have on the growth and daily lives of children.  Furthermore, to set up a workable co-parenting plan that fit to family needs may sometimes alter weak points or blind spots that the current working plan would overlook.  Therefore, the role of parenting coordinators must be done by psychologically trained practitioners.  We can especially focus on the specific psychological needs of children in parental divorce and can be more caring to children who have a variety of special needs.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce?  What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

First of all, I would suggest that each individual have a brave face in the midst of divorce, whilst at the same time seeking the necessary assistance from professionals.  As I have mentioned, divorce brings your family another set of difficulties to be solved.  The most crucial but difficult one should be the long-term arrangement to facilitate the healthy growth of the children.   Secondly, seek help as early as you can, not only in the midst of a divorce but also within your marriage before you make any decision on it.   Lastly, I would like to tell all the parents in representing our children, that their needs must be nurtured for their future.  Do not give up communication with your ex-spouse to make a desirable co-parenting plan and to co-create their future.

What advice do you give children who are struggling with the divorce of their parents?  What practical exercises can they do to alleviate the anxiety and worry they may feel given such difficult circumstances?

In my past experiences in assisting elder children or teenagers, it is heartbreaking that divorce truly poses a negative effect on children despite their parents’ attempts at avoiding it.  To reduce the effects, I would suggest to children that first of all, try to avoid being involved in important decision making.  It protects the children from the anxieties induced by biased information and the loyalty split between each parent.  Try to suggest to  their parents to communicate directly and tell them the same decision they have made.  Another reminder for children is that they should not immerse themselves too much in the emotions of one or both of the parents.  Children cannot become their counselor and children should be free to tell their parents that they instead find a professional to assist.   We can suggest they concentrate on achieving their developmental tasks, such as learning, making friends, searching for their own identity and enhancing self-esteem, as well as developing their own future that do not let parental divorce become their developmental load.

 

About Man B.W. Chung

Ms. Man Chung is a registered social worker and a Family Therapist.  She is especially interested in integrating micro-counselling skills in the mediation process to promote client’s co-parenting abilities while practicing the Therapeutic Mediation Approach.  Being trained to be a Child-inclusive Mediator, Man also put her efforts in helping families with teenage children by using CIM’s child assessment techniques on reflecting children’s needs and emotions for facilitating parent’s agreement accomplishment.

Ms. Chung graduated with a Masters of Arts in Family-centered Practice and Family Therapy at the Hong Kong Polytechnic University and also has a Master of Social Science in Social Work in Family from The University of Hong Kong.   She attained her accreditation as a Clinical Fellow in American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist and she is an accredited Family Mediation Supervisor in Hong Kong Mediation Accreditation Association Limited.

Contact of Man B.W. Chung

manbwchung@gmail.com

 

Spotlight Profile – Jacky T. K. Lai, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Jacky T.K. Lai, a mediator and barrister at IceHouse Chambers in Hong Kong.  Jacky is a mediator and mediation advocate with experience in over 850 cases that includes disputes involving children and finances.  Jacky has also utilized his expertise as a mediator to train others in the field (as Trainer with Hong Kong International Arbitration Centre (HKIAC), Training Qualifications UK (TQUK)/The Office of Qualifications and Examinations Regulation (Ofqual) and Hong Kong Professional Mediation Association (HKPMA), and as Coach with many other institutions).

Jacky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a barrister called to the Bar in June 2007, mediator, arbitrator and lecturer on mediation and negotiation topics for universities and mediation institutions.  I like to mediate on various sorts of cases including matrimonial matters.  I find resolving conflicts through interest-based negotiations very satisfying, and I am grateful for the trust that I receive from the parties and learned friends.

I received my general mediation training in 2008 from the Accord Group in liaison with HKUSPACE, and my matrimonial mediation training in 2010 from Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council (CMAC).

You have considerable expertise in your role as a mediator and as a mediation advocate.  First, can you tell us why you advocate mediation first in any legal dispute?

Parties usually have too much information but lack of insight.  With their entrenched long-time hatred towards one-another they become too emotionally entangled and entwined into an “Avenger” mentality, thereby losing sight of other dimensions and bigger goals in their lives.  They often get tunnel-vision.  Mediation gives them an opportunity to zoom-out and to hear from each other.  Once communication starts, then understanding at a deeper level can commence.  Of course, the parties may still choose not to settle, yet it is ensured that it is an informed decision, and not because of a lack of communication nor mutual understanding.

You have worked in numerous mediations and in various disputes not only matrimonial disputes. Is there a common theme that you notice in all your mediations that results in a successful mediation? Is compromise the key element to a successful mediation?

The common themes are: broader outlook on the disputes, new dimensions and new observations on life and the issues, a more realistic and a more objective assessment of the law, the facts and the evidence, as well as the perspectives of the opponents.  Sometimes, they just need a platform, a facilitator, a face-saving setting to settle the case.   We mediators are the catalyst in the sessions.

Compromise is NOT a key element to a successful mediation.  Compromise is only a minimalist approach towards settlement.

What works in mediation is: Collaboration. Understanding. Communication. Objectivity. Positivity.  Rethinking.

What can couples do to prepare for a successful mediation?

Have a pre-mediation meeting with a good mediator accompanied by their solicitor/counsel and supported by a trusted and beloved one.  The pros and cons, the costs and benefits and the strategy and tactics, are all re-examined thoroughly, in a safe environment, and the couples are empowered to make decisions.  Of course, trust and rapport are being built throughout the process, and the trauma, pains, suffering and fears are being acknowledged and addressed as well.  If the wound is not healed, at least antiseptic is applied and a bandage is attached to it.  Active listening and empathy are the key elements.

Through your experience, you have come across mediations where a resolution is simply unattainable.  In your matrimonial mediations, what has been the key element of an unsuccessful mediation?

Inadequate insight, mutual understanding, active listening, rethinking, new dimensions or outlook of everything else are common themes.  Tunnel-vision and inadequate wisdom and courage to walk a new path, objectivity, positivity are also common themes.  Many times, the root is insufficient love towards themselves and the children.

In a nutshell, what is lacking is the absence of the essential elements of interested-based negotiations.

 

About Jacky Tsk Kin Lai, Mediator and Barrister at IceHouse Chambers
Jacky T.K. Lai, a mediator and barrister at IceHouse Chambers in Hong Kong.  Jacky has been a mediator and mediation advocate in over 850 cases that includes disputes involving children and finances.  Jacky has also utilized his expertise as a mediator to train others in the field.
Jacky has been a barrister-at-law in private practice in Hong Kong since 2007. He practices in civil and criminal litigation as well as mediation. Jacky received his Bachelors Degree in Economics and LLM from the University of Hong Kong, MBA from the Chinese University of Hong Kong, and LLB from Manchester Metropolitan University. He obtained his HKIAC Accreditation as General Mediator in 2009 and Family Mediator in 2012 by the Hong Kong International Arbitration Centre (HKIAC), and the Hong Kong Mediation Accreditation Association (HKMAAL) Panels of General and Family Mediator since its inception in 2012.
Jacky has been a member of the HKIAC Users’ Council since 2009.  He is the Chairman of the General Mediation Division (GMD) under the Hong Kong Mediation Council and person-in-charge of the Council’s Membership Committee.  He was the Honorary Secretary of Hong Kong Mediation Council (HKMC) under the HKIAC last year, and member of HKIAC’s General Mediation Interest Group. He acted as Vice-Chairman of the HKIC Family Mediation Interest Group, Person-in-charge of Building Management Sub-Group and Person-in-charge of Labour and Employment Mediation Sub-Group. An HKMAAL accredited mediator (General and Family), he has served as a mediator in hundreds of cases.
Jacky has a wealth of teaching, coaching and judging experiences with many universities in Hong Kong with particular emphasis on Mediation and ADR. He is Head Trainer and Chief Assessor of mediation course for Training Qualifications UK, Office of Qualifications and Examination Assessment (TQUK/ Ofqual) and Assistant Head Trainer of HKMAAL 40-hour curriculum, Mediation Subject Expert of Hong Kong Council for Accreditation of Academic and Vocational Qualifications and International Mediation Competition Coach and Judge of International Chamber of Commerce, Professional Mediator on many mediation panels and mentor mediator for the Joint Mediation Helpline Office.
黎子健先生  LLB, LLM (HKU), BSocSc, MBA, FHKI Arb, MCIArb
黎先生自 2007 年起在香港擔任私人執業大律師。他的執業領域包括民事和刑事訴訟以及調解。 黎先生在香港大學獲得經濟學學士學位和法學碩士學位，在香港中文大學獲得工商管理碩士學位，在曼徹斯特都會大學獲得法學學士學位。他分別於 2009 年和 2012 年獲得了香港國際仲裁中心(仲裁中心)認可的一般調解員和家事調解員資格，並於 2012 年香港調解資歷評審協會有限公司(調解資歷評審協會)成立起獲得其一般調解員和家事調解員資格。
黎先生自 2009 年起擔任仲裁中心益友會成員，也是仲裁中心轄下的香港調解會(調解會)的榮譽秘書，且任仲裁中心一般調解興趣小組成員。他曾為仲裁中心家事調解小組的副主席、物業管理調解推廣小組負責人和勞工及僱傭關係推廣小組負責人。 作為調解資歷評審協會認可的調解員（一般和家事），他曾在數百個案件中擔任調解員。
黎先生在香港多所大學擁有豐富的教學、培訓和評審經驗，尤其重視調解和其他替代性糾紛解決方式。 他是英國特許資歷培訓處/評核及考試規例局認可的調解課程的首席培訓師和首席評估員、調解資歷評審協會40小時課程的助理首席授課者、香港學術及職業資歷評審局的調解事項專家、 International Chamber of Commerce國際調解比賽教練和評委、多個調解小組的專業調解員和 聯合調解專線辦事處的導師調解員。

5 Important Things to Do Before You File for Divorce

When a couple decides to divorce, it is usually never a spontaneous decision but rather a long evolving process that has culminated to this point over a period of time. It is important that during this process, you are prepared should you and your spouse decide to file for divorce.  There are many things you can do to prepare for divorce and in this article, we will provide you with some useful tips on what to consider ahead of a divorce:

  1. Thoughtfully Consider Whether Divorce Is Right For You: Before you jump into a decision to divorce, it is important that you thoughtfully consider whether divorce is the right option for you. Many couples for example, choose separation over divorce especially if there are health insurance or religious reasons to consider.  Divorce is a life-changing decision and it should not be made spontaneously but considered over a period of time after you have had an opportunity to consider what divorce would mean for you and your children.  During this time, you may want to speak to a therapist or even try couples counseling in an attempt to either solidify your decision to divorce or reconsider divorce.
  2. Have Thorough Discussions With Your Spouse (and Children) and Your Solicitor: Before you divorce, you may want to have a series of discussions with your spouse about whether divorce is the right decision for you as a couple and for the family.  In your discussions, you may want to discuss whether divorce is the right option for you as a couple and if you do divorce, how would that look.  For example, in your discussions with your spouse, you could talk about how you want to divide finances or how to split care and control of the children.  Generally speaking, if you have mature and reasoned discussions with your spouse prior to the filing of a divorce Petition, there is more possibility that your divorce will not be litigious since you and your spouse have discussed the divorce beforehand. If you surprise your spouse with divorce papers, there may be shock and feelings of betrayal involved which may not bode well going forward in the divorce. Additionally, you may want to schedule an initial meeting with a solicitor to discuss divorce and what it would mean for you to file for divorce and discuss your legal rights and any concerns/questions you may have related to a divorce.  The solicitor will be able to guide you as to the timing of your divorce petition and the things to consider when filing for your divorce petition. This initial information-gathering meeting is important so that you are prepared for what’s to come.
  3. Gather All Necessary Information/Documents For Your Divorce: If you have decided to divorce, you will want to start organizing your life.  For example, this is now the time to gather all the necessary information/documentation related to your finances so that you are aware of your financial health.  You will need to disclose this information to your solicitor who will then prepare all the necessary financial disclosure documents for the Court.  If you do not have this information, it will be harder for your solicitor to prepare the financial disclosure documents that are necessary in your divorce.  It is also not beneficial for you to be in the dark about your finances as you will need to prepare your life post-divorce and this includes being financially independent.  In the event that you are filing a non-molestation order against your spouse, this is also the time to gather all the necessary documents and photos to support your allegations against your spouse.  If you have children, it will be important to collect all the information/documentation related to their daily schedule and any other pertinent information you believe is necessary related to care and control.
  4. Consider Your Wishes For The Divorce Regarding Finances and Children: After you have spoken to your spouse and had the initial information-gathering meeting with your solicitor, this may now be the time for you to consider what you want from the divorce.  How do you want to move forward with the divorce? Do you want to attempt mediation first? Do you and your spouse already have an agreement in place prior to a divorce? Have you reviewed your finances to consider how much maintenance (if you are entitled to it) you will need to pay for your day-to-day needs and the needs of the children? How much time do you want with the children and/or how much time will you agree to your spouse having with the children? These are a few of the important questions to ponder upon and discuss with your solicitor.
  5. Make Necessary Plans For Your Life Post-Divorce: Another aspect you should thoughtfully consider is how you want your life to look post-divorce.  Do you plan to remain living in Hong Kong or do you want to relocate to another city/country? Will you propose to take the children with you? How much money will you need to sustain your lifestyle each month? Will you need to work or switch jobs? This is your time to brainstorm how you want to plan your life once you are divorced and to start making all the necessary plans to reach those goals.  Your solicitor can assist you with this process and provide you with guidance on how you can reach your goals. You may also consider retaining a financial planner to help you with your finances and budget accordingly.

With all the tips above, the key component is open communication with both your spouse and solicitor and also knowing what you want both in a divorce and thereafter.  Whilst it may be difficult, divorce should be viewed almost like a business transaction as you and your spouse are each now negotiating the best deal for oneself.  It may be easy for emotions to get involved, but the less emotion involved, the easier the process will be.  Speak to your solicitor who can help you through this challenging journey.

Managing Emotions During The Divorce Process

Anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, grief and loss are just some of the various emotions that you may be experiencing as a result of your divorce. Due to this vortex of emotions, it is not uncommon for you to act in an uncharacteristic manner.

Acknowledging and being aware of your feelings during the divorce process is the first step in managing your emotions. It is the management of your emotions that will help you overcome some of the more difficult aspects of your divorce, in addition to building a foundation of peace and harmony with your former spouse as many of you will need to co-parent throughout your lifetime.

While many challenging issues must be addressed with the assistance of solicitors and the Family Law courts, many issues couples face can be resolved without the assistance of professionals and should be considered before calling professionals for help.  It should be noted that calling your solicitor every time you experience a stressful event is extremely costly and does not lay a foundation for problem solving once the divorce is complete. That is why it is important for individuals to think creatively and with an open mind about how to resolve issues on their own so that your well-earned money can be used for a useful purpose rather than towards solicitor fees and costs.

Here are some practical applications on how to manage emotions during the divorce process in hopes that it will ease the long and difficult divorce process.

  1. Flexible Thinking:  Flexible thinking means that you do not automatically reject what your former spouse may say when new ideas are discussed or decisions need to be made. This includes having the ability to think outside of the box and coming up with alternative proposals for problem solving rather than just fighting for your first and only idea.
  2. Check Yourself:  It is always important to check yourself and your reactions to your spouse. Are you saying no because you are angry and upset over what your spouse did to you in the relationship? Are you saying no to spite your spouse? Or are you making decisions based on the situation at hand and what is best for you and your family going forward? Ask these questions before you respond to your spouse. When you make decisions that are born out of a rational and calm thought-process, you may find that you are making better decisions.
  3. Focus on the Big Picture:  Look at the big picture and write your goals down on paper so that you can keep track of what you are hoping to accomplish at the end of your divorce and beyond. For example, if your goal is to be cost conscious, you may be inclined to take steps to reduce solicitor fees such as mediation versus litigation. Mediation will require you to be more willing to compromise rather than leave all decisions up to the Family Court.  If your goal is to make the divorce a peaceful and as seamless as possible transition for your children, you may think differently about how you react and respond to your spouse in front of your children.

With all of this being said, divorce is a difficult and long process, similar to a marathon.  It is important to allow yourself to indulge in the emotions you are feeling during the process. Be sure to contact trusted family and friends and seek professional assistance from psychological experts if you need a safe place to process through your emotions. Do your best however to keep your emotions out of the divorce process because divorce is essentially a legal business transaction.

 

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