Category Archives: Mediation

Mental Health and Divorce

It is not uncommon for many individuals to equate divorce to a death in the family. A plethora of emotions are not uncommon and can range from feelings of freedom, happiness, remorse, sadness and guilt along with a dash of bitterness, resentment and frustration. A divorce becomes exceptionally difficult when individuals are engaged in long, drawn-out court battles on key issues such as children, assets and ancillary relief.

In this article, we focus on the importance of enlisting the help of mental health professionals when you are going through a divorce. It is a key way to help you heal and move forward in your life. Mental health professionals can help you process the range of emotions you may experience during the divorce process and provide you with helpful tools to resolve issues you may be dealing with in this divorce journey.

In a time when mental health awareness is being highlighted in media and self-care is becoming a priority, there should be no shame in seeking help when it is needed to get you to a better place emotionally and spiritually.

Types of Mental Health Professionals: Before we dive into the benefits of enlisting the assistance of mental health professionals in divorce, let’s look at the types of mental health experts available to you in divorce. One mental health expert may be a therapist/psychologist. A therapist/psychologist can assist you in managing the stresses of divorce, including your expectations of the outcome. A therapist/psychologist can also help you develop new interpersonal skills that are valuable in creating healthier relationships whether it be with your spouse or your children during and after the divorce process. The interpersonal skills and tools you may learn through therapy is especially helpful if you have children and there is a need to co-parent with your ex-spouse. If you do not have the means to hire a therapist/psychologist, there are many mental health services available such as St. John’s Cathedral Counselling Service or The Samaritans in Hong Kong which can provide emotional support and counseling services for those in distress free of charge. Another mental health professional you may consider is a mediator who can assist you and your spouse negotiate a mutual agreement with respect to custody and access. This is an ideal option if you and your spouse are on amicable terms and you both believe a compromise is feasible through open dialogue and communication. To enlist a mediator to assist in custody and access issues is beneficial especially if you and your spouse agree that you do not wish to involve the court in resolving your custody and access issues. Another option is a parenting coordinator, who can assist you and your spouse resolve minor issues such as holiday pickup arrangements and communication disputes.
Benefits Of Hiring A Mental Health Professional In Divorce: What are the benefits in hiring a mental health professional? Calming emotions, clarifying expectations and helping discuss difficult issues are just some of the essential benefits obtained through the assistance of a mental health professional. Before deciding on a mental health professional, do your due diligence and conduct your own research before you entrust the personal details of your life to a professional. Your solicitor can be a helpful resource in providing you with a list of reputable and highly trained experts in the very area in which you seek assistance. There are many healthcare professionals in Hong Kong who have dealt with divorcing couples and can provide you and your family with helpful tools on how to navigate these difficult waters.
When Should A Mental Health Professional Be Employed In Your Divorce? Deciding on whether to enlist the help of a mental health professional is a personal decision. Consider therapy if you believe it can offer support and assistance in your own personal growth journey. Consider therapy if you are struggling with mental illness, which may be triggered or exacerbated by the circumstances surrounding your divorce. Talk to your solicitor to determine if a mediator is needed to resolve disputed children’s issues in your divorce. Your solicitor may have insight as to whether these third-party experts will be helpful to your case. You and your spouse may even consider enlisting the help of these trained mental health professionals for your children, especially if they are struggling with the “new normal” of the family dynamics. However, when doing so, make sure that the children are amenable to the idea as it truly is up to a child on whether he or she wants to attend therapy. Respect your child’s privacy if he or she chooses to attend therapy to resolve issues related to the divorce and remember not to use it as a weapon against the other spouse in your divorce.
Consider Other Forms Of Mental Health Support: Finally, mental health support does not need to be limited to therapy. Consider mediation, yoga or other forms of physical exercise to boost your mood, mind, confidence and self-esteem. A healthy lifestyle, hobbies, journal practice and gratitude and appreciation lists are also helpful ways to boost your mood and confidence. Change is difficult to adapt to, but be hopeful in that change is good and there are better things ahead.

Your solicitor is available to support you through the divorce process and can provide you not only with legal assistance but emotional support as well. Do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in asking for help to bring your mental state to a better place.

Divorce and Reconciliation

The decision to divorce is not an easy one. After careful thought, many couples come to the difficult decision to part ways. The divorce process can be excruciatingly painful as families become divided and individuals must navigate the law in obtaining an official divorce. In some cases, there are couples who realize halfway through the divorce process that a breakup of the family is not what they ultimately desire and the path towards reconciliation is forged.
What does reconciliation look like from a legal perspective in Hong Kong? Here are some things to consider when it comes to reconciliation:

1. Legal Ramifications of Reconciliation: If you and your spouse are considering reconciliation during the divorce process, it is important to speak with your solicitor. For example, if you and your spouse are working on your relationship and cohabitate after a separation, this will be important in your divorce as it will be taken into consideration with respect to the separation period. Note that if you and your spouse cohabitate for a period of less than 6 months, then the starting date for the period of separation will remain the same, although the time spent together to work on the marriage will not counted as part of the separation period. Also, when you file a Petition for divorce, you and your solicitor will discuss the issue of reconciliation and you will need to file a Certificate of Reconciliation. If there is a good chance that you and your spouse will reconcile, the Family Court may adjourn your case to allow for the possibility of reconciliation as the Family Court in Hong Kong wants to provide every opportunity for reconciliation. If you and your spouse wish to reconcile during divorce proceedings, you may wish to withdraw the Petition for Divorce. However, speak to your solicitor because if you wish to reconcile after you have obtained a Decree Nisi (tentative court order for divorce), then you must seek leave from the Family Court to rescind the Petition for Divorce which requires specific paperwork that your solicitor can prepare on your behalf and walk you through the process. Remember that if you and your spouse obtain a Decree Absolute, thus legally divorced in Hong Kong, you will now be free to re-marry, even if that means to re-marry one another once again.

2. To Reconcile or Not? Reconciliation is not for everyone. It is certainly a personal decision between you and your spouse. To be effective, both parties must genuinely want to reconcile. Reconciliation also requires effort by both parties to nurture this new relationship. On the flip side, reconciliation may be out of the question if emotional damage by the divorce is so severe and difficult to overcome. If there is a history of domestic violence or emotional abuse or manipulation, reconciliation should be carefully considered with the assistance of psychologists and others trained in the area of domestic violence and emotional abuse. This is particularly important when children are involved.

3. Keep The Lines Of Communication Open: If you hope to reconcile with your ex-spouse, maintain open lines of communication. Try to maintain a sense of civility, if not only for the sake of your children and their best interests. Consider counseling, and do not be afraid to ask your spouse if he/she is willing to attend counseling with you. A counselor can help guide you in the decision to reconcile and help you and your spouse avoid past mistakes in your marriage. You may also learn new skills on how to resolve the issues which led to the divorce in the first place.

Reconciliation should not be taken lightly. It takes significant effort and time. But if successful, it can be a wonderful thing for you and your family.

How To Prepare For Mediation

One of the most cost-effective ways to resolve your divorce is through mediation. In order for mediation to succeed, both parties need to be willing to come to the table willing to discuss all issues and with a compromising spirit.

In an earlier article published on www.hongkongdivorce.com, our special contributor Shanna Quinn, a professionally trained mediator, outlined family mediation and what it entails in Hong Kong.

In this article, we will discuss three (3) key ways to succeed in divorce mediation and how you can come out of mediation with a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

1. Keep Your Emotions Out: It is not uncommon for spouses to use mediation as a vehicle to lay out emotions about all the wrongdoings that had occurred during the marriage. Whilst it is important to express your opinion and communicate your feelings during this complicated season of your life, the purpose of mediation is to resolve issues and move forward, not to rehash the past. By keeping your emotions out of the mediation, you are recognizing that a divorce is simply a business transaction, whereby you and your spouse are outlining the legal terms to dissolve your marriage. Thus, do your best to keep your emotions out of the transaction and the path towards resolving your divorce will be a lot more seamless.

2. Be Willing To Compromise: In order to move forward in resolving your divorce, each spouse has to be willing to compromise. In a divorce, there are no real “winners” or “losers” because at some point each of you will walk away without getting everything that you had wished for. There has to be a certain amount of compromise in order to resolve your divorce. To successfully compromise, you will need to be willing to hear the other side and the reasons behind their position. Be willing to listen and empathize with your spouse and you may soon realize that your spouse may also extend the same courtesy to you as well. A settlement meeting will provide you and your spouse with a platform to negotiate and figure out a plan that you both are willing to accept.

3. Ask Questions, Take A Break, Ask For Time: Mediation will provide you with an opportunity to hash out details of your divorce without the pressure of the Family Court issuing orders and making decisions for your family. If you are in mediation and you do not understand the legal jargon or terms being stated, be sure to speak up and ask questions. If you are represented by a solicitor or barrister, do not be afraid to stop the meeting and ask your solicitor or barrister to explain everything to you. No question is irrelevant as your understanding of what is being discussed will affect your future and your family’s future. If you need a break and need time to process what is being negotiated or offered, ask for this time and each person in the meeting should respect your request for a break. You are entitled to be involved throughout the entire process and you can only be involved if you understand what is being discussed and negotiated.

While in some cases one mediation is sufficient to resolve all of your issues, some divorces require multiple mediation meetings to finalize outstanding issues. If your matter requires several mediation meetings, it is important to note that any prior meetings are not without benefit since they are ALL stepping stones to resolution.

Successful And Effective Co-Parenting Tips In Divorce

What Is Co-Parenting?

You might have just gone through a divorce, but you were blessed to have children together with your ex-spouse. You two might have gone separate ways on bad terms, but your children should not suffer and you and your ex-spouse should still play an active role in raising your children together as co-parents to ensure that your children’s needs are met. The quality of the relationship between co-parents will determine the welfare and emotional health of the children as they grow up.

Co-Parenting Tips

Here are some useful tips for successful and effective co-parenting through the difficult period post-divorce:-

Clear Your Mind– The first step is to clear any negative feelings towards your ex-spouse and your marriage from your head. It will be difficult to set aside such feelings at first and it may take time. You should see co-parenting with your ex-spouse as a fresh start, which is all about your children rather than being about you and your ex spouse. You should both strive to be mature responsible co-parents and act in the best interests of your children.
Regular Communication– Communication between co-parents is key to successful and effective co-parenting. Your ex-spouse may not be the first person you want to talk to in person but try to devise a workable arrangement. Perhaps you may communicate via phone messages or email instead. A possible advantage of communicating this way is that you are able you to keep a record of your communication with your ex-spouse in case there is any dispute as to “who said what”. Try to communicate directly with your ex-partner rather than using your lawyer to do the talking for you; not only does this tend to not facilitate an amicable open line of communication, but it will also result in unnecessary legal costs.
Court Litigation is a Last Resort– There are certainly times when litigation is the only way to resolve problems, but you should avoid resorting to litigation before the Court unnecessarily. You should always try to resolve any issue with your ex-spouse by discussion and engage a family mediator to mediate between you and your ex-spouse if necessary. There is a likely chance that animosity between you and your ex-spouse may arise if either party resorts to Court. Ultimately, it is your children who will suffer as they will be the ones further affected by any negative tension between their parents.
Seek Professional Help- Going through a divorce is extremely difficult, never mind the ongoing task of co-parenting with your former spouse. Family counselling can be very beneficial to help parties through the difficulties of divorce, and minimise any negative effect on children. You and your ex-spouse could also consider attending co-parenting classes in order to learn more about co-parenting and how to do it effectively.
Be Consistent – Co-parents should aim to set a consistent set of rules for your children in both households such as curfews. This will ensure that your children feel less like they are living in two completely different households and ease them into their new living arrangements.

This article highlights the key tips to achieving successful and effective co-parenting. You and your ex-spouse should not dwell on the past and should act together for the best interests of your children. The emotional health and development of your children will ultimately depend on the quality of your co-parenting with your ex-spouse, so every reasonable effort should be made to learn how to do it effectively and cooperatively.

Mediating Divorce In Hong Kong

When you marry, the hope is that it will be a forever partnership. Unfortunately, divorce is all too common these days and it is a reality for many individuals in Hong Kong and around the world. While the effects of divorce cannot be completely avoided, it can somewhat be alleviated depending on how you choose to approach your divorce.

One way to alleviate the difficulties associated with divorce is mediation. In Hong Kong, there are many qualified mediators who can assist you and your spouse in working through the complex issues associated with divorce and allow both you and your spouse the opportunity to discuss issues and hopefully come to an agreement and plan that works best for you and your family.

Here are a few things to consider in determining whether mediation is an optimal alternative for you and your spouse:

Do You And Your Spouse Communicate? If you and your spouse are on speaking terms and can communicate without anger, frustration and criticism, this is a good sign that the two you will be able to sit together in mediation and work on resolving issues in your divorce
Do You Want To Minimize Fees And Costs? The bottom line is that mediation saves money. When you litigate your divorce there can be exorbitant costs incurred to pay solicitors, barristers, joint experts and so forth. Mediation minimizes costs and if you and your spouse are tight on funds and wish to minimize fees and costs, mediation is a wonderful alternative.
What Are Your Future Plans? It is true that when you litigate a divorce in Hong Kong you may be delayed due to the time constraints/busyness of the Family Court and being heard before judge. If you are in a hurry to get a divorce and want to resolve issues as soon as possible, mediation is a good option which will mean that your divorce proceedings are not drawn out for years to come.

In Hong Kong, a litigated divorce is costly. Not only do you have to consider Family Court costs, but you also have to consider costs that are incurred as a result of employing a solicitor and potentially a barrister depending on the complexity of your case. If you are able to communicate effectively with your spouse and believe the two of you can come to reasoned decisions and agreements related to issues such as asset division, spousal and child maintenance and child custody issues, then mediation may be a viable option for you.

Here are some helpful tips that may assist in a successful mediation:

Do Not Involve The Children In Adult Discussions/Decisions: If you want to mediate your divorce and want to come to a reasoned decision that is in the best interests of you and your family, it is highly beneficial to lay the groundwork of a co-parenting relationship with your spouse. To do so means that you do not involve the children in any adult discussions with respect to the divorce. This also means there should not be any badmouthing of the other spouse with the children. Remember that children need both parents and it should be your priority to facilitate your children having a healthy relationship with the other parent.
Compromise: To be successful at mediation requires you to compromise with your spouse. If you are not willing to compromise, it will be very difficult to come to an agreement in mediation as there needs to be both give and take between you and your spouse. You may be surprised that when you take a few steps towards compromise, your spouse may be willing to meet you halfway and be more willing to compromise him/herself.
Be Willing To Reach Out And Communicate: You may want to consider reaching out to your spouse to smooth out any misunderstandings before mediation so that you and your spouse can come to the mediation table without any built-up resentment or anger. While you may not have the same relationship as when you were married, it is important to recognize that you and your spouse may still need to remain in each other’s lives. For example, when you are co-parents of the children of the family. Reaching out and putting pride aside will go a long way in building a new relationship post-divorce.
Try To Understand Your Spouse’s Point Of View: It is important to always consider your spouse’s point of view. While it may be hard to do so given long-standing resentments and issues in the relationship, this is an important step in resolving issues amicably. Perhaps your spouse may be proposing something reasonable. Take the time to consider their point of view before forming your own decision. You may be surprised that there is a compromise in the midst of two differing ideas/opinions.

If you are interested in mediating your divorce, speak with a professional solicitor experienced in matrimonial law. He/she will be able to put you in touch with an experienced mediator who can assist you and your spouse in resolving issues. Once you and your spouse agree on a mediator, the mediator will walk you through the steps and preparation needed before you attend the first session. It is important to note that depending on the complexity of your case, you and your spouse may need to attend multiple mediation sessions. The key however is that you and your spouse are both willing to cooperate and participate in the mediation process. That in itself will go a long way in helping you and your spouse achieve the goals you want in your divorce.

Mental Health and Divorce

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