Author Archives: Marketing

Steps to Moving On After Divorce

Many individuals describe the divorce experience as being similar to a death in the family.  For some, the divorce process can take years and it is truly an emotionally and physically taxing journey that requires patience and resilience.  At some point however, once the divorce is finalized, it will then be important for you to move on with your life.  This should certainly be an exciting time for you as life is finally moving on and you are embarking on a new adventure.

  1. Get Your Finances In Order: This has been a central theme in all of our articles here at Hong Kong Divorce.  Once you are divorced and have a better idea of the monies coming in and going out, it is important to ensure that your finances are in order.  This may involve retaining a financial planner to assist you in helping you create a plan or a budget which carefully and thoughtfully considers your day-to-day needs and for your future. You will want to review your finances regularly and keep track of your spending and saving patterns so that you can continue to be aware of where you stand financially post-divorce. This will involve good record-keeping and if you are unable to do this yourself, you can always enlist the help of a professional to assist you or download relevant finance apps that could help you keep track of your finances in an organized manner.
  2. Be Thoughtful In Speaking About The Divorce With Your Children: If you have children and are co-parenting post-divorce, it is important to speak appropriately to your children about the divorce and about the other parent. If you want to maintain peaceful and cooperative co-parenting, you will need to play a big role in keeping the peace.  Children should be kept out of adult discussions and should not play a role in having to mediate arguments or disagreements between you and your spouse. If you have any issues, speak directly with your co-parent and do your best not to disrespect your co-parent by bad-mouthing him/her to the children.
  3. Join A Support Group: If you are having a hard time moving on after divorce, this may be the time to consider joining a support group.  A support group or therapist can help you process the feelings you are going through post-divorce and a support group may provide you with new friendships with like-minded individuals going through the same process.  Sometimes, discussing your divorce with family and friends may not be enough and they will only want you to skip ahead to your happy ending. However, moving forward may require you to process the divorce and discuss it at great length.  A therapist or support groups can provide you with this support and is a safe space for you to vent about the emotions you are going through.  Speaking to a therapist or joining a support group will allow you to be in an environment that is judgment-free and will help make you feel less lonely as others are also going through the same circumstances.
  4. Focus On Self-Care & Rediscover What Makes You Happy: This is also a great time for you to focus on your own self-care.  This can include you figuring out what makes you happy and learning who you are as a single adult.  There are many avenues of self-care to consider including exercise, nutrition, hobbies and passions and reconnecting again with family and friends that you may have not had time for previously.  This is also the time to rediscover what makes you happy and what you want out of your life going forward. How do you want your future to look like? What active steps can you put into place in order to reach your goals?

It is important to note that as you move on with your life post-divorce, the time it takes to heal and get settled into your new normal may vary from individual to individual. During this healing process, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space to move forward on your own schedule. No one can tell you how to heal or how long it will take to heal and move on.  As long as you are taking active steps to dust yourself off and move on, even if it is baby steps, you are doing the best you can!

Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Vicky Lau, Mediator.

Vicky Lau is an experienced social work practitioner in Hong Kong. She is driven to pursue dignity living for low-income groups which stems from her passion for assisting these individuals with their finances and housing related issues. Vicky has been working in the community development field for 13 years and maintains a keen interest in advocating long term policy changes.

Vicky is now responsible for several housing projects planning and co-ordination.

Vicky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

My work has centered around social work and family mediation.  I have worked as a social worker for the last 13 years.  One of the key areas which I focus on is community development, namely with housing projects in Hong Kong and the low-income group of individuals living in squatter areas such as subdivided flats, transitional housing and other public housing.

When we work on cases with this group of individuals, we engage with them and help them through any struggles they may have especially related to family issues such as divorce.  It is during these moments that I will use my family mediation experience and skills to help them with conflict management.

Let’s first dive into your work as an accredited family mediator.  What type of family mediation are you typically involved in?

Most of the cases I assist individuals with is divorce.  The major issues they have is that they are not privy to information and/or resources. Individuals, particular in the low-income group do not know where to start and they ask for help on how to engage in the divorce process.  I assist by providing them with resources and helping them apply for legal aid.

Part of the assistance I can also provide is helping these family members engage in mediation and to speak to them about their issues and see if we can do anything to resolve the issues at hand.

What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples in Hong Kong?

Most of the clients I deal with argue about finances as they are from the low-income sector.  As living expenses continue to rise and especially individuals with children, their income is not sufficient to cover their daily living costs.  Arguments begin due to the stresses related to finances and maintaining a living.  The low-income group sector generally do not have the funds to hire domestic helpers and in most cases, the mother takes on the primary role of being a full-time housewife while the father is the sole breadwinner. Due to the imbalance of economic positions, these couples will argue over daily chores, finances and with such a small space, they do not have room to take breaks from one another.  The only option for breaks is to go outside or out to the street.  The stress upon these individuals is very high.

What practical exercises/advice do you give to couples going through marriage difficulties?

First off, I will assist these individuals to apply for resources.  For example, there are subsidies available from the government which are difficult to apply for but once approved, the money is good for these families.  I like to help these families apply for such grants because it provides the families with some relief from the financial situation. For those individuals going through a divorce, I can assist them with filing for divorce and providing resources to file for divorce including applying for legal aid.

When I am working with these families, I like to teach them micro-skills to help ease any conflict they may have especially in such small spaces. For example, simple methods of creating space and boundaries are important.  One of the main skills I like to provide advice on is communication skills.  For example, I like to talk to families about how to rephrase their thoughts so that they can get the same point across but with a different tone.

What about children…what practical exercise/advice do you give to children who are going through the same difficulties?

It depends on the age of the children, but I always like to offer my social work and mediation experience to children depending on whether they are willing to accept it.

One of the main issues I see with children is tackling the emotional aspect of divorce.  When parents get divorced in the Chinese traditional culture, the children will know that the parents have a bad relationship but they do not necessarily have any concept of divorce or the process of one parent moving out.  Many times, the traditional Chinese families do not talk about divorce to the children and sometimes will lie about what is actually happening.  I always like to tell parents that it is vitally important that they tell the children about the divorce and remain transparent about it because in reality, children already know that something is wrong. Even if they cannot express in words what they are seeing, they can feel it.  Children also see the conflict happening in the household so it is important for parents to talk about it with the children so they are not left in the dark about what is going to happen.  I always like to remind parents that it is important to speak with the children about the divorce (but not adult-related matters) and relieve what the child is worried about.  Many times, divorce will impact a child’s future long-term romantic relationships and if it is not dealt with properly as a child, they will have trust issues in their adult relationships or create the same relationship pattern as their parents in their adult relationships.  The ideal is for a child to have a future romantic relationship where it is peace and solution-based focused rather than a conflict approach basis.

About Vicky Lau, Mediator 

Vicky LauVicky was educated at the Hong Kong Baptist University with a Bachelor’s in Social Work and a Master’s degree of Arts in Communication (Concentration: Integrated Communication Management). Also, Vicky has been an accredited mediator since 2010 and attained accredited family mediator status in 2018.

Vicky is currently working at a local NGO and received the 2019 Best Practice Award in Social Welfare issued by The Hong Kong Council of Social Service (HKCSS) for a public housing project.

If you would like to get in touch with Vicky, you can contact her at the following email address –
vickylau.mail@gmail.com

 

Divorcing Over 50

The unfortunate reality is that divorce can happen at any stage in a marriage.  As relationships continuously evolve, there may come a point where it no longer works and both parties have decided to move on.  For some couples, this can happen later in life and in some cases, after the children have grown and left the nest.

Divorce after 50 does not mean your life is over and it can be an opportune time to reevaluate your life and take advantage of the many opportunities and adventures that lie ahead.  Here are some tips to help the transition.

  1. Educate Yourself with your Divorce and your Finances: The divorce process is overwhelming at any age and regardless of what stage you are at in your life, it is important for you to become educated about your divorce and your rights.  Make sure to speak with a solicitor so that you understand what the divorce process looks like, the timing of how things will progress, the details of your financial health in a divorce and most importantly, what the divorce will mean for your children if they are still under the age of 18 years.  If your spouse was the main breadwinner and/or individual in charge of the finances in your marriage, now is the time to become acquainted with your finances and understand what your future finances will look like.  This might also be an opportune time to hire a financial planner so that you know how much you can spend and how much you will need to save for the future.  Will a divorce require you to find a job and earn income of your own? What additional income do you need to pay your day-to-day expenses? How much money can you save and will need to save post-divorce?  These are some of the questions you will need to ask your financial planner so you are aware of your financial health.  The goal is to become financially independent which will ultimately result in greater life satisfaction for you.
  2. Start New Hobbies and Make New Friends: A divorce does not mean your life is over. Yes, it will mean that you will need to adapt to a new normal but that new normal can be exciting and full of adventure.  If you still have minor children and they are not with you 100% of the time, the extra time that you have when your children are living with your spouse will give you the opportunity to spend time with friends, explore new hobbies and make new friends. Even if you are in your older years, it does not mean your life is over but rather it is just getting started and you now have a second chance opportunity to explore all the things you wish you could have done in your younger years. Starting new hobbies that may include physical fitness is a form of self-care which is so important if you are to find fulfilment and satisfaction in your life.
  3. Start Dating: Your golden years is also an opportune time to start dating again. This is especially true if your children have grown up and moved away. Explore the dating world, get to know others and yourself in the process.  Social connections are good for humans and building upon new relationships is what you might just need to move on and let go of the past.

Regardless of where you are at in the divorce process, it is important to see it as a new opportunity and new adventure to move forward in your life despite the difficulties of the journey.  Be sure to surround yourself with supportive family and friends.  It is also important to partner up with a solicitor that is supportive of you and provides you sound, reasonable advice so that he/she can make carry many of the legal burdens for you and support you along the way.

 

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

Children are resilient and it is true that in divorce, your child will adjust to the new normal that is established between you and your co-parent.  It is important however, to remember that even if your child is adjusting well to a divorce, there are things you can do as a parent to help them adjust to the changes in a more seamless and healthy way.  Here are some tips to consider to help ease the adjustment for your children in a divorce:

  1. Do Not Involve The Children In The Divorce Process: One way to help your children adjust to the divorce is not to involve them in the divorce process.  Many times, parents involve their children in a divorce by divulging details about the legal proceedings and the emotional difficulties the parent is facing in the divorce.  It is important not to involve your children in the divorce because when you do involve them, it will cloud the way they see the other parent and this is not healthy for their relationship with the other parent.  This could also be used as ammunition against you in legal proceedings and be classified as parental alienation.  Rather than focus on the litigation fight, focus instead on the bigger picture.  You and your ex-spouse will have to co-parent with one another for the rest of your lives.  You will both want to be at your child’s wedding and will want to have an ongoing relationship with them forever.  It is better to be at peace with your ex-spouse in the co-parenting journey rather than fight with one another and be embroiled in drama that is unnecessary and unhealthy for all individuals involved.   Importantly, children are too young to understand the legal complexities of divorce. It is already difficult for adults to understand the legal issues in a divorce so imagine how hard it must be for children to understand it.  If you want emotional support, rather than turn to the children, reach out instead to other family members or trusted friends to provide the support you need.
  2. Promote and Facilitate Open Communication: As a co-parent it is imperative that you facilitate and encourage open communication. This includes open communication between the co-parent and the children,  but it is also helpful if as co-parents, you are able to openly communicate with each other in cordial and friendly way.  The way in which you communicate with one another will have a great impact on the way your children will view you and how they deal with their own relationships in the future.  If you are involved in a litigious divorce and open communication is difficult, you do not have to apologize for the fact that communication is impossible with the co-parent. However, you can still encourage open communication and relationship between the co-parent and the children.  Regardless of what you are feeling and the intense emotions you may have for the other parent, it should not impact the love and relationship you encourage between the children and the other parent.  You want your child to have a good relationship with the other parent as it will impact their development.  Having a strained or non-existent relationship with a parent will only have dire effects on a child and their future relationships going forward.
  3. Consider Spending Time Together As A Family: This is a controversial tip however a good one to consider. It may be difficult, and almost impossible in some broken families to continue to spend time together as a family unit after a divorce, but it can be done.  When it is done in a healthy way, the outcome can be beautiful and wonderful healthy relationships can be forged on the basis that even though “mommy and daddy” have divorced, there is still friendship.  By establishing a friendship post-divorce with your ex-spouse, you are demonstrating to the children that the family is available to support him/her and that the family love is not lost.  It may take time to achieve a healthy and peaceful dynamic but it is worth considering reaching for this post-divorce family goal!

Do not be shy about speaking with your solicitor on his/her tips on how to forge a healthy family dynamic post-divorce. Your divorce solicitor is not only there to provide you with legal advice but he/she can also provide you with tips on how to have a healthy divorce rather than a litigious divorce. If your divorce solicitor only encourages litigation and division among the family, you may want to consider another divorce solicitor, one who is more focused on helping you achieve a healthy dynamic post-divorce.

Considerations for Child Arrangements Ahead Of The Holidays

The holidays are fast approaching and for many, holiday plans have already been organized and tickets purchased to travel outside of Hong Kong.  Hong Kong quarantine restrictions have loosened to the point that many individuals have taken this opportunity to fly out of Hong Kong after almost 3 years of heavy travel restrictions and hotel quarantine.

In addition to booking tickets and accommodation for the upcoming holidays, it is important that you also consider children’s arrangements if you are involved in a divorce and have to share custody/visitation of the children.

In preparation for the upcoming holiday season, here are some things to consider and discuss with your solicitor before you take the flight out of Hong Kong:

  1. Clarify and Confirm Children’s Arrangements Ahead Of The Holidays: To avoid conflict with your spouse over the holidays, make sure that you are aware of the dates you are entitled to have the children during the holidays.  Respect that your spouse is also entitled to have time with the children and ensure that any holiday bookings are within the timeframes allocated to you and does not encroach upon your spouse’s time with the children.  To avoid conflict, it is a good idea to revisit your holiday custody plan and ensure that you and your spouse have discussed the holiday plans so that you are both on the same page and have both booked your holidays that respect each other’s time with your children. If there is conflict over timeshare during the holidays, it is best to resolve it before you fly out of Hong Kong rather than having to deal with a custody/visitation dispute whilst traveling and having it ruin you and more importantly your children’s holiday plans.
  2. Provide Emergency Contact Details: Ahead of any holiday, it is imperative that you keep your spouse up-to-date on the children’s holiday plans.  This includes providing emergency contact information and also a detailed itinerary of the children’s whereabouts during their travel, namely flight and other travel details.  Your spouse is entitled to this information because as a parent he/she should always have access to the children and should be made aware of where the children will be staying and with whom.  It is important that you do not make it difficult for your spouse by refusing to provide such important information about the children and their well-being during their travels. With that being said, it is important that when you are on holidays with the children, you allow the children to maintain contact with the other parent.  Being on holidays is not a free pass for you not to stick with a “virtual” visitation schedule and you should do everything you can to facilitate communication between the children and the other parent even on holidays.
  3. Ensure You Have Important Documents On Hand Before Travel: Before you travel with the children, it is important that you have all the necessary travel documentation to make your journey seamless.  This includes up-to-date vaccination records especially with the ongoing Covid-19 virus and the related changing rules amongst various countries.  You also might want to also take the time to speak directly with your solicitor as to whether you will need a Deed of Parenting ahead of travel.  For example, if you and your children have a different last name and the parent with the same last name as the children is not traveling with you, immigration officials at various checkpoints might ask tough questions to ensure that the children are in fact your children.  A Deed of Parenting will assist in avoiding such questions at border control and can easily be drafted by your solicitor prior to you leaving Hong Kong with the children.

If you have any concerns about taking the children on holiday and have concerns about potential issues with your spouse whilst on holiday, it is best to speak with your solicitor and iron out the details and any conflict before you leave Hong Kong.  It will be more difficult to iron out details about the holidays when you’re already on holidays with the children.  It is more trouble to have to deal with conflict with your spouse and having to communicate back and forth with your solicitors in Hong Kong when you should be having fun with the children and enjoying your time away from home.