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Tips for a Healthy Marriage

In a recent article published by the South China Morning Post, it was reported that marriage counsellors in China claim that mobile phone addiction is responsible for up to 30% of failed marriages in China. The reasoning, according to the article published by SCMP is that mobile phones occupy so much time and as a result, partners are no longer spending time communicating with each other and involving each other in day to day tasks such as household chores and children’s duties. This ultimately causes conflict among couples.

Whilst we might know what causes conflict in relationships and marriages, what can be said about what results in a healthy happy marriage? Here are some top tips on how to maintain a healthy marriage and a good way to avoid a trip to a divorce lawyer’s office.

1. Act Like You Are Dating: Just because you are married, does not mean dating goes out the window. It is easy to find yourself in the same monotonous routine once you are married, especially given all the new responsibilities you may face as a couple and as parents. However, that does not mean you should neglect each other. Many couples divorce because they do not spend enough time together. Or, couples divorce because their attention is focused on other responsibilities, including children and work. Like seasons, priorities change and spouses may feel neglected. So do not forget that your spouse needs attention and care, and priority should be placed on the relationship. Spend time alone, go out on dates, continue to nurture your friendship with one another and then you are less likely to even consider divorce.

2. Respect and Kindness Through Words and Actions: By the time a couple is ready to divorce, their relationship is so broken, that couples are unable to communicate with one another, much less with any mutual respect and kindness. Respect for one another and kindness through words and actions go a long way when you are in a relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. If you can respect your spouse and express your love through kind words and actions, you are creating a healthy dynamic that will reap rewards throughout your marriage. Moreover, if the relationship is beyond repair, clients who at least recognize the importance of respect and kindness, can maintain a more level-headed approach to divorce. This in-turn allows for a more civil, reasonable (and cheaper) divorce process.

3. Transparency and Communication: There is something to be said about “mystery” and its allure when you are in the beginning stages of a dating relationship. However, when you are married, keeping big secrets from your spouse can be damaging to your marriage. Many marriages fall apart because an individual’s struggles related to finance, and addictions including alcohol, drugs and sex are kept secret. Being transparent and genuine about your struggles is never easy because it forces you to be vulnerable. However, if you value your marriage, you will work on and build upon your communication skills to maintain the relationship.

The underlying thread weaved throughout all the tips shared above is this: place priority upon your spouse’s needs. Marriage is a big commitment and once you take the step towards marriage, it is definitely worthwhile to make efforts to nurture it and hopefully it will also help you avoid a trip down the dreaded divorce highway.

Round-Up of Divorce News

Here is a round-up of Divorce news circulating the news across the world wide web!

Mobile Phone Addiction

In an article published by The South China Morning Post, some marriage counsellors in China are claiming that mobile phone addiction is responsible for up to 30% of failed marriages in China. The reason behind these claims is that couples are spending more time on their mobile devices which should instead be used to communicate with their partners, perform household duties or educate children. This causes conflict in marriages and which ultimately leads to divorce. The neglect a partner may feel due to the other partner’s attention to their mobile phone made some partners in China feel as if their partner did not care for them, their home or their children.

The Zodiac Sign Most Likely To Divorce

According to an article released by BestLife, the top three (3) astrological signs to split with their partners are as follows:
1. Aquarius: Due to its free-spirited nature, an Aquarius hates to be tied down and is the least likely to get hitched in the first place.
2. Sagittarius: Sagittarians love to view life as one big adventure and are in a constant state of wanderlust making it hard for them to stay settled in one spot.
3. Pisces: The most romantic, Pisces can become bitter and distant when they feel their partner is not providing them with unconditional love and support.

Kim Kardashian Is Legally Divorced

Kim Kardashian is now officially single after being granted a divorce from Kanye West. As part of her divorce, the celebrity also dropped “West” from her last name.
Kim Kardashian’s divorce is “bifurcated” meaning that whilst her marital status and legal name have been resolved, the other issues related to divorce, namely custody and finances have yet to be resolved between herself and her former spouse.

Newlywed Divorces After Being Blocked on WhatsApp

A Saudi national filed for divorce in Jeddah and in his Petition for Divorce stated that he wanted to part ways with his wife after she blocked him on WhatsApp. The Court issued a verdict in favour of the newlywed husband and the woman was ordered to return the dowry and gold given to her at the time of marriage.

Divorcing Couples Fight Over Crypto

The New York Times reported that divorcing couples are fighting over children, the house and now Crytpo. According to those in legal circles in the USA, marital disputes over Bitcoin is becoming increasingly common and it is now a major source of contention with estranged couples trading accusations of deception and financial mismanagement.

According to divorce lawyers, spouses underreport their holdings or try to hide funds in online wallets and this can be difficult to get to. As a result, forensic investigators are called in to assist but they can charge tens of thousands of dollars to track the movement of cryptocurrencies.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Ida Ng, Licensed Psychologist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Ida Ng, licensed psychologist based in Hong Kong and trained in United States of America and who received further accreditation in London and Australia. Dr. Ng has a successful clinical practice in Hong Kong and specializes in providing clients with holistic treatment focusing on mind-body-spirit and thereby mixing clinical psychological therapy along with mindfulness and spirituality for whole-self healing. The aim of Dr. Ng’s practice is to reduce psychological distress and anxiety while at the same time enhancing an individual’s quality of life.

Dr. Ng, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training and how it has evolved into your current practice today?

I have had different experiences throughout my career in the psychology field and have trained in various countries. I received my psychology degree from Ohio University in the United States of America and have received certifications from various professional bodies recognized in the USA, Australia and the United Kingdom. My interest is now in China and the well-established systems there.

Your practice focuses on holistic healing thus bringing together psychological therapy together with mindfulness and spirituality. Can you explain this further and how this type of therapy can bring about healing of the whole self?

In my first 5 years of practice, most of the focus of my practice was on the problem and corresponding treatment. This type of treatment helps clients understand cognitive behavior and treatment for that behavior which results in learned behavior. Changing behavior however, only results in robot-like learned patterns because you practice the learned behavior and it thereafter becomes habit. However, what’s missing in this is what’s from the heart. Learned behavior is not what naturally flows from the heart where emotions reside and by not addressing the emotions, the issues are not able to resolve.

With that information on hand, I have focused my therapy on heart healing by allowing clients to look at things from a different perspective. Accompanying therapy, I also include meditation, spirituality, modality and reiki. By understanding these different modalities, I am able to attempt to understand my clients and where they are coming from. For example, when I spent my time training in the United Kingdom, I spent approximately 5 to 7 years focusing on chakra healing so now when I meet with clients, I speak to them about their chakras and activation of the chakras to assist in the healing process.

By looking at a client’s aura and chakra, I can see if there is anything blocking their healing and whether they are aligned or not. By doing this, we can see where the problems arise from. I notice this so I can help the client with their problems and identify the root issue. Most of the time, clients are willing to talk about the problem when they are in realization of what that is. This process focuses on helping individuals connect inside and that in itself takes time and patience.

In your practice, divorce and family issues can be at the forefront of psychological distress and anxiety. Tell us more about the issues you are seeing with those individuals going through relationship issues and/or divorce.

The issue that I see in many relationships is that there is a lot of expectation, not only from within but from society. The problem with expectations is that it shadows how an individual may feel about themselves. But the problem here is that it clouds a person’s ability to understand what they truly want in life and with each other in the relationship.

In my therapy sessions, I always like to clarify with individuals what they truly desire. I try to help them understand what they want and their purpose and I ask if they can learn something from this relationship. I like to get to the core of what an individual wants from the relationship, whether the focus is truly on what they want from their partner or if they only want a picture-perfect version of their relationship that is acceptable to those looking from the outside.

It’s important to focus on the root of the issue because curiosity is important in order to understand how to heal. This requires work in communication not only with yourself but with one another as well.

Has the recent Covid-19 pandemic played a part in the psychological distress you are seeing in clients and if so what kind of issues are consistently coming up?

I think even without this Covid-19 pandemic people lives are busy and they don’t want to deal with problems. When they have free time, individuals prefer to travel and go on holidays rather than talk about their problems.

When the Covid-19 pandemic happened, people were forced to work from home and time kind of stopped. A lot of business trips were cancelled and many people could not attend to their overseas lovers and maintain those relationships. We can see during this Covid-19 pandemic that people have had to really sit down and face problem and this requires facing your partner every morning and night and it’s not something you can hide from.

Can you give us an example of the type of healing work you would recommend to those individuals going through an exceptionally difficult divorce and are dealing with the vast array of emotions that may come up in a divorce such as relief, anger, grief and even loneliness?

In my practice, I work with couples through couples therapy workbooks that helps couples revisit the relationship. It’s not about remembering the first date, but talking about spending time to ask questions and show empathy and demonstrating to each other that you want to communicate with one another.

In relationships, there’s a lot of anger, assumption, fear and frustration. This places a large barrier in the relationship. My job is to help couples understand that their relationship can and will change over the years and how each person views the world may be different. Now with the passage of time, it’s okay to revisit the change in each individual and help couples communicate the changes they are seeing and how they can heal the pain of the past. It can even come down to a simple question of: do you still like your partner?

Have you worked with children who are going through a particularly difficult time when it comes to divorce? What kind of healing work would you recommend for children who are going through the breakup of their parents and the family?

There was a case where I worked with a couple who were struggling on deciding whether to stay in Hong Kong or move back to the United Kingdom. The couple struggled with infidelity and they had children to attend to as well. Both parents struggled as they wanted to keep the family together for the sake of the children. Children are like glue in a family. It’s important to remember that even if parents don’t share too much about their problems with the children, children are very smart and they can sense/feel that something is not right. Parents on the other hand always assume children are just too young to understand, but this is not the case.

Children are very intuitive so when I work with them, I try to help them understand their energy and the energy flow within the family. When speaking with parents dealing with struggling children, I always also try and remind them that it is not a child’s job to glue the family together and the focus should be more on helping the children learn about their emotions in dealing with these struggles rather than carrying the burden of keeping the family together.

There seems to be a real push on focusing on mental health and working towards inner healing. Why do you think it’s especially important for individuals to focus on mental health?

When an individuals’ mental health is not strong, they are easily shifted by circumstances. If you understand what you want and are well connected to your feelings, you are better positioned to both your heart’s desires and rationality to make better decisions in life during times of adversity.

That is why I always ask my clients: what is your mind thinking and what is your heart telling you? This then helps individuals to know how to connect the two so that it results in better decisions. You are essentially sewing together rationality with the soul.

What do you think business/companies can do to support their employees in this push for mental health awareness and healing?

From my perspective, more companies are starting to focus on awareness of mental health in the workplace. I have consulted with many companies on what procedures and exercises can be in place to help employees during tough times. Companies should be focusing a lot of energy on bringing together colleagues so they can be a support system to each other and during Covid-19 times, that may include online gatherings to de-stress and enjoy each other’s company and to keep each other accountable.

It’s important for employers to understand that individuals struggling with mental health issues can be easily overwhelmed by stress and it’s difficult for them to function under stress. When stress is too much, it no longer motivates an individual and they cannot be a participating member when they are de-motivated. And it is this sadness that affects the whole team and company. That is why it’s important for colleagues to support one another.

About Dr. Ida Ng, Licensed Psychologist:

Ida is based in Hong Kong and has over 20 years of clinical experiences in psychological and life enhancement cases and has worked with clients come from all over the world. Ida has practiced in the USA, UK, Singapore, Japan, Macao and Hong Kong. The scopes of services covered by her range from psychological assessment, therapeutic treatment and mindfulness and into life purpose understanding, connection to higher self and spirituality counselling.

Ida has well integrated science and art into her works, teaching and clinical practice.

Ida obtained her psychology degree from Ohio University in the USA and has received further accreditation in psychological counselling from professional bodies in Australia and the United Kingdom.

Ida’s psychology practice is located in Central and Causeway Bay in Hong Kong.

Coping With An Impossible Spouse During And After Divorce

Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.

So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you are not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you are committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your ex-spouse.
Here are a few helpful suggestions to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process:

1. Document Everything: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse.

2. Hire A Solicitor: When you are dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring a solicitor. Having a solicitor to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day-to-day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring a solicitor that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring a solicitor that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.

3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.

4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive solicitor fees, especially if it has become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your solicitor.

In a divorce, sometimes it is not about “winning” but rather letting go of the past and focusing more on what’s ahead. This will allow you to not sweat the small stuff when your spouse is making things difficult. Overall, if dealing with your ex is too much to handle, you can speak to your solicitor and ask that he/she handle any and all communication related to the divorce and thus allow you to create boundaries with your ex-spouse.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Ken Fung, Clinical Psychologist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist and a relationship therapist from the Jadis Blurton Family Development Center in Hong Kong. Dr. Fung was formally trained in California, USA and earned accreditation in Hong Kong, Australia and New Zealand.

As a Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Fung focuses on assisting individuals, couples and families with relational and emotional issues. Dr. Fung uses the Gottman Method, Psychodynamic, CBT and Systemic approaches in his practice which we will dive in more deeply with Dr. Fung below.

Dr. Fung, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Therapist. My work is focused on relationships and treating or working with couples who are going through relational and/or emotional problems.

In terms of my background training and education, I earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology in New Zealand and a Master of Social Sciences in Criminology in Hong Kong at The University of Hong Kong and also earned a Doctor of Psychology in Clinical Psychology at the California School of Professional Psychology in USA.

Your practice focuses on the Gottman Method, Psychodynamic, CBT and Systemic approaches. What is this, can you explain what this means and how this is incorporated into your clinical practice?

So, the Gottman Method is the main method of therapy of which I focus on. This method was developed by a pair of renowned psychologists and therapists based in Seattle. This method is based on more than 40 years of research experience as to why couples work and why they don’t work. The Gottman Method focuses heavily on emotions and how people connect. This is how I frame my clinical approach – many times couples in Hong Kong do not know how to express their emotion and rather they talk cognitively and intellectually with each other with very little emotion expressed. The Gottman Method embraces a lot of emotion and that aspect of a relationship. It’s a very comprehensive model and I embrace a lot of the techniques used in the Gottman Method.

The Psychodynamic Method is one that has a very long history. This approach focuses heavily on previous life experience and on the understanding of the intra-psychic conflict and hence defenses and different attachment and relations which we have with our parents and other significant others. This method emphasizes the unconscious processes and it is a complicated and complex approach.

CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and is one of the most commonly used approaches in modern psychotherapy. It is vastly symptom-oriented and the aim is to help clients alleviate their presenting symptoms and identify the factors maintaining the problems. The focus tagline of CBT is that if we change how we think, we can change how we feel.

Many individuals who are going through divorce are challenged with the emotions associated with divorce. What are some of the central themes you are experiencing in your clinical practice with those going through a divorce?

Many individuals seek counseling and psychotherapy as a last resort. It is a last resort after trying everything else. In a divorce process, there are a lot of emotions including, but not limited to anger, frustration and depression. My approach is to try to help them understand where they are in the relationship. A lot of couples think that my role is to help them get back together. However, couples’ therapy is more than that. Yes, getting back together may be one of the goals, but a key goal is to try to help individuals see what they really want in the relationship and so they could be more informed in deciding their future. Couples therapy is a tool/platform to create a safe, comfortable and natural platform for them to communicate with each other. It is a way for couples to connect emotionally because many couples have been talking intellectually but that didn’t work out so in my sessions, I help them connect emotionally.

What practical exercises can individuals do to emotionally connect and get through times of distress (eg. divorce and the Covid-19 pandemic)?

One of the key exercises I suggest to couples is to engage in “stress reducing conversation” – This requires couples to take turns to be the speaker and the listener and the key is to talk about their feelings about anything other than the relationship and relationship issues. This exercise allows the listener to emotionally engage with the speaker and vice versa. This exercise helps couples connect emotionally rather than get caught in the loop of discussion where the focus is only on the relationship and relationship issues. By talking about other things, the couple can start to rebuild healthy conversation. I also suggest that couples use “I” statements when talking about things rather than “you.” Couples should practice this every day for 15 to 20 minutes and try to make some peaceful conversation so the brain can learn that they are each capable of creating non-stressful conversation. This creates the basis for the couple to talk about something more serious.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

First and foremost, it is important for parents to talk to each other first to try to understand each other and then to compromise. Healthy parenting post-divorce requires compromise but a lot of people misunderstand what compromise really means. Individuals think that compromise means that you have to sacrifice and give something up to please the other person but that is not compromise. Compromise can be seen as you and your partner each being a part of your own planet but you both have to come out of yours and meet halfway. In our sessions, I assist couples to identify the areas where they are flexible and where they are inflexible. Compromise can only be accomplished in the common areas identified as “flexible.” However, it’s important to recognize that before entering into successful compromise, each person needs to hear why the other person is inflexible in certain areas. A lot of inflexibility stems from a person’s upbringing and it is deeply rooted in childhood experiences so when a partner tries to move something that was so deeply rooted it’s difficult to change and that’s why it’s so important to understand where the inflexibility is coming from. Change comes after understanding.

You also work with children and the complex emotions they may feel during a divorce and the loss of “family” that they may be feeling amidst a divorce. What can parents do to bring healing and help their children communicate the complexity of emotions they may be feeling?

According to research, children as young as 6 months old can sense a parent’s emotions. A child at this young age may not know the reasons behind it but they can feel a parent’s emotions so parents need to be aware of this. What helps a child is when parents are aware of their own emotions. A parent’s emotion can be very intense even if they decide to use silence as a coping mechanism. Silence sometimes hurts more than when parents fight because silence creates a deep sense of confusion in children. My first suggestion is to not assume that the child(ren) do not know what is going on and instead try to be genuine in terms of your emotions. Emotions are powerful and parents can decide the depth of details they wish to share with a child with respect to the problems they are having and wisdom should be used by a parent when it comes to sharing such details. However, when it comes to emotions, a parent should be genuine with the child. If you’re not happy, you can tell your child you are unhappy but not necessarily have to disclose what exactly happened in terms of details.

You created an online platform called “Your Relationship Clinic” on social media. Can you tell us more about this platform and how you are helping individuals through this online platform?

The “Your Relationship Clinic” was a platform I created in 2013 on Facebook. As time went on, I wanted to reach out more to the younger generation in Hong Kong and I switched the platform to run on Instagram. This is a platform where I share a lot of information and thoughts as a psychologist and a relationship therapist on issues related to relationships. Rather than focusing on academic research, I value sentimental and emotional perspective to allow me to interact more closely with my followers. Each day I run a Q & A and am there to listen to those going through difficulties and my role is to help them understand that there are people out there willing to listen. My platform is run in Chinese but English speakers can also reach out to me should they have any questions or concerns or wish to have a listening ear. My Instagram can be found at @yrrelationshipclinic.

About Dr. Ken Fung, Clinical Psychologist:

Dr. Fung is a Clinical Psychologist and focuses on helping individuals, couples and families with relational and emotional issues using the Gottman Method, Psychodynamic, CBT and Systemic approaches.

Dr. Fung graduated with a Doctor of Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology, USA and he also received a Master of Social Science from The University of Hong Kong and Bachelor of Sciences from The University of Auckland, New Zealand.

Apart from his role as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Fung is the creator of the platform “Your Relationship Clinic”, an interactive channel allowing open discussion and emotional support to traditional Chinese-speaking individuals with relationship issues they may have with partners, family members, friends, colleagues and pets.

Dr. Fung’s practice emphasizes the importance of communication as a tool to meet expectations but also a vehicle to express genuine emotions through the establishment of a “safe space.”

Dr. Fung is based in Hong Kong and his clinic is located at the Jadis Blurton Family Development Center.

Tips for a Healthy Marriage

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