Category Archives: Children

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Adrian Tong, Counselling Psychologist and University Lecturer

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Adrian Tong. Adrian is a counselling psychologist and lecturer at Hong Kong Shue Yan University with a research interest in psychological intervention process, parental stress and parenting and acceptance and commitment therapy.

Adrian, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

It is my honor to be here with you. Thank you for the invitation.

First off, can you tell us a little bit about your background and training so our readers can get to know you better and your area of specialty?

I am a counseling psychologist and lecturer at Hong Kong Shue Yan University. Over the past several years, I have had the privilege of providing counseling services to individuals facing psychological distress, as well as couples and families dealing with communication disputes. My research primarily focuses on the areas of parental distress, parenting, children’s behavior, and special educational needs. Furthermore, I have a keen interest in the process of psychotherapy, particularly in acceptance and commitment therapy. In addition to my counseling work, I also provide supervision to counseling students at both the master’s and bachelor’s levels.

As a counselling psychologist, what is your main role in helping those going through distressing times?

Within the field of counseling psychology, a wide range of psychotherapy approaches are employed to cater to the unique needs of clients, for example, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT), client-centered therapy (CCT), psychoanalytic therapy, and more. By utilizing these various therapeutic approaches, counseling psychologists collaborate with their clients to explore the underlying disturbances that impact their emotional well-being and daily functioning. While our behaviors are observable, they often stem from deeper yearnings and unmet needs. These hidden aspects of ourselves can influence our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Through the therapeutic process, counseling psychologists help clients uncover and understand these underlying yearnings, facilitating insight and personal growth.

The interventions employed by counseling psychologists vary depending on the chosen therapeutic approach. These interventions aim to reduce the negative impact of these hidden yearnings on individuals’ lives. By addressing these underlying disturbances, counseling psychologists work towards alleviating distress and promoting emotional well-being.

However, the role of a counseling psychologist extends beyond symptom reduction. It is also about fostering self-awareness and facilitating personal growth. By helping individuals develop a deeper understanding of themselves, counseling psychologists empower clients to make meaningful changes in their lives. This journey of self-discovery and self-actualization allows individuals and families to access their full potential, even in the face of life’s challenges.

An area of research interest and specialization is acceptance and commitment therapy. What is this and how does this play into a scenario such as divorce?

The experience of divorce often brings about extreme distress for individuals. It is not solely due to the significant life changes that occur, but also because individuals may develop negative perceptions of themselves or life in general. Some may internalize blame and responsibility, harboring thoughts such as “I am a bad wife/husband,” “I always mess things up,” or “No one will ever love me because I am not attractive.” Others may develop negative perceptions about the world, believing statements such as “All men are irresponsible,” “All women lack empathy,” or “There is no true love in the world.”

According to acceptance and commitment therapy, it is not the events themselves that directly cause distress, but rather how we perceive and interpret those events. It is normal to have negative thoughts when faced with distressing situations. However, if we overly identify with and believe these thoughts, it can become problematic. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and pain, further exacerbating the distress.

In acceptance and commitment therapy, the aim is to help individuals or couples acknowledge that experiencing distress and having negative perceptions is a normal part of the human experience. However, these thoughts and perceptions do not define who we are as individuals. The goal is to assist clients in distancing themselves from these negative thoughts and perceptions, recognizing that they are separate from their true selves.

Through acceptance and commitment therapy, individuals are encouraged to cultivate mindfulness and self-compassion. By developing a non-judgmental awareness of their thoughts and emotions, they can begin to observe these negative perceptions without becoming entangled in them. This process enables individuals to create psychological distance from their distressing thoughts, allowing them to redefine themselves and their experiences in a more empowering and adaptive way.

In summary, during divorce or other distressing events, acceptance and commitment therapy offers a framework for understanding and managing the distress that arises from negative perceptions. By recognizing the normalcy of these thoughts and perceptions, individuals can work towards disentangling themselves from them and embracing a more compassionate and accepting view of themselves and the world around them.

You also work on patients with parental stress and parenting. What prevalent issues are you witnesses now especially in Hong Kong and what advice are you giving to those parents struggling through this?

In my observations, I have noticed some common patterns among parents who experience high levels of parental stress. While there is undoubtedly a strong correlation between children’s behaviors and parental stress, it is important to recognize that events themselves are just events. What truly matters is how we perceive and interpret these events when it comes to parental stress. There are several common factors that can significantly impact parental stress levels.

Firstly, one influential factor is the cultural norm of “Face” in Chinese society. Parents often fear losing face when their children behave poorly, underachieve academically, or lack ambitious future aspirations. It is essential to remember that failures are a natural part of the developmental process. Current setbacks or failures do not necessarily imply future failures. Children need time to develop, learn, and improve. It is crucial for parents to adopt a growth mindset and support their children’s progress rather than solely focusing on external judgments.

Secondly, parents may experience anxiety and worry about how others perceive their parenting abilities. The fear of being judged negatively by others can be overwhelming, leading parents to place undue stress on trying to shape their children’s behavior according to societal expectations. In their efforts to maintain a positive image, parents may inadvertently hinder their children’s natural growth and development. It is important for parents to remember that each child is unique, and that parenting is a dynamic and evolving process.

Parenting styles are influenced by parents’ values and self-awareness. To prevent hindering their children’s development, it is important for parents to be aware of their values regarding “face” and how others perceive them. Prioritizing self-compassion and self-care is crucial before focusing on children’s development. Many Hong Kong parents love their children deeply but tend to neglect themselves in the process.

By cultivating self-compassion and engaging in self-care, parents can enhance their emotional well-being and provide a more balanced and nurturing environment for their children. Taking care of oneself is not selfish but rather essential for effective parenting.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

Going through a divorce is undeniably distressing. Therefore, before delving into discussions about co-parenting, it is crucial to communicate with your ex-partner regarding the state of your relationship. By establishing clearer boundaries and resolving personal distress related to this life-changing event, you can gain a clearer mindset on how to effectively co-parent your children. This approach is beneficial in minimizing harm to the children.

Once personal and couple issues have been addressed, I suggest that parents establish a well-defined co-parenting schedule. It is important to involve the children in this decision-making process. They not only have the right to understand the current situation, but also the right to choose what is in their best interest. It is equally important to reassure them that both parents still love them equally. Therefore, maintaining a balanced co-parenting schedule and consistent routines is crucial in helping them believe that both parents are always there for them.

Is there anything else you would like to address before we say goodbye?

Sure, remember that life is filled with obstacles and uncertainties that often don’t align with our plans. It’s essential to remain flexible and wholeheartedly embrace our present experiences. And now, let me present a motto to encapsulate this sentiment.

“Embrace Life’s Flow, Obstacles Come and Go.”

About Dr. Adrian Ka-Ho Tong, Counselling Psychologist & Lecturer

Dr. Adrian Tong is a highly accomplished counseling psychologist with a diverse educational background. Having earned a Doctor of Psychology in Counseling Psychology, a Master of Social Science in Counseling, and a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, he brings a wealth of knowledge and expertise to his work. Currently, Dr. Tong holds multiple roles, including serving as a counseling psychologist at St. John’s Cathedral Counseling Centre, where he provides invaluable support to individuals and couples seeking guidance and healing. Additionally, he shares his wealth of knowledge as a lecturer at Hong Kong Shue Yan University and serves as a clinical supervisor at Hong Kong Polytechnic University. Dr. Tong’s specific areas of interest revolve around the process of psychotherapy, parenting dynamics, parental stress, children’s behaviors, and special educational needs. Through his varied roles, Dr. Adrian Tong continues to make a significant impact in the field of counseling psychology, enriching the lives of individuals, families, and the community as a whole.

Co-Parenting After Summer Holidays and Returning to the New School Term

After an enjoyable summer holiday and returning to the new school term, now may be an opportune time to review your child custody arrangement and ensure that everything is in order ahead of the new school term.

Here are a few things to consider as you and your co-parent begin to navigate the children’s new school term.

Review Your Agreement/Orders: After your holidays and before the new school term, you and your co-parent should sit down and review the custody arrangement for the upcoming year and ensure that you are both on the same page. This is an opportune time to check your calendars and make sure that things are aligned with the school term calendar and that there is no misunderstanding about the holidays/breaks and any other special occasions that will require child sharing between you and your co-parent. By doing this, you avoid any potential future arguments you and your co-parent may have before a big holiday and/or before a special event. This initial step ensures that you and your co-parent are in communication and things are running smoothly throughout the entire co-parenting journey.
Communicate with your Co-Parent: We like to always repeat this step because it is the foundation of any good co-parenting relationship. This is the time when your emotions should be put aside and the focus should remain on the children and their best interests. Thus, the key is to communicate effectively and with as much respect as possible. Respectful communication does not include controlling, manipulative, aggressive behaviour displayed through verbal communication, text messages and/or email communication. Careful consideration should be given to your tone and how you speak to one another as well. The goal for both co-parents is to raise a happy, healthy child and this should be the main focus when communicating with each other.
Respect Each Other’s Parenting Style and Rules: Whilst you and your co-parent may not always agree on parenting style or house rules, it is important that you respect each other’s differences. It is during these moments of key differences that you and your co-parent need to sit down and discuss how you want to raise your children and how you can both reconcile the differences you may have in your parenting styles and in the rules that you both may have at each of your homes. You cannot expect your co-parent to enforce the rules you keep at your home but you can sit down and speak with each other about what you can and can’t come to an agreement on when it comes to more important and key issues. For example, you and your co-parent may not agree on screen-time that is allowed in the home. Whilst you cannot force your co-parent to enforce your own rules, you can try to come to an agreement that is agreeable to both. However, there will be many times where you simply have to let go of your own rules and respect that your co-parent may have his/her own rules that you do not agree with. In some circumstances such as the example above, you may simply have to respect the difference, let go and move on.
Get Organized: On a more practical level, you and your co-parent may consider scheduling regular “parenting dates” with each other to discuss anything and everything related to the children. This will encourage ongoing communication with one another and allow both parents to remain on the same page when it comes to the children. With that being said, it is important that both parents are organized so that both households run smoothly for the children and one tool that may be useful is a shared online calendar. This can keep track of everything related to the children including important dates, after-school activities, medical appointments, homework projects and more. This can also help minimize face-to-face or telephone discussions with a co-parent in those co-parenting situations where verbal communication is limited or difficult.

It is important to know that regardless of where you are in your divorce process, the transition is a difficult one and co-parenting is one aspect of a divorce which is a learning process. It is a skill that you and your co-parent can work on and learn about as time goes on and through shared experiences. If you have serious difficulties with your co-parenting arrangement, speak to your solicitor or a qualified health professional who can assist in the process either by providing their expertise or providing you with the resources you need.

Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Abuse in Divorce

In litigious divorce cases, one of the issues co-parents may have to deal with is parental alienation. Parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child such that the child refuses to have a relationship with the other parent and as a result, hostilities abound. Many times, parental alienation is tied to narcissistic behaviour. An individual with narcissistic traits will thrive on the use of control and manipulation in order to retain what he/she deems as the “perfect image.” Parental alienation, whilst may be satisfying to the alienating parent, will have devastating effects on a child and the alienated/loving parent and is never in the best interests of the child.

Here are a few things to consider and look out for if you are involved in a divorce with a narcissist and dealing with parental alienation:

Look for Potential Warning Signs of Parental Alienation:
Each and every situation look different and your warning signs will be specific to you. However, here are a few of the more common signs to look out for: the alienating parent will vilify the loving parent; vilification of the loving parent may then extend to his/her extended family and friends; the alienating parent will employ guilt trips upon the child in order to obtain a desired result; the alienating parent’s projected feelings about the loving parent may be highlighted in the child’s own opinion. These warning signs can be displayed in certain behaviour such as the following examples: The alienating parent will refuse to respect the loving parent’s time with the child; the alienating parent will tell the child about adult issues including that the loving parent does not love or care about the child; the alienating parent will guilt trip the child by acting hurt if the child is nice to the other parent; the alienating parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent. Ultimately, at the core of parental alienation is that the child is left in the middle feeling as if he/she has to choose between one parent over the other. A healthy message that should normally be relayed to a child is that he/she does not have to choose between either parent and that both parents, despite being divorced, love the child and want what is best for him/her. This idea of healthy parenting is not a concept that a narcissistic abusive co-parent can understand.
Be Aware of the Risks:
The main risk of parental alienation is that it will cause destruction in the relationship between the child and the loving parent, despite the fact that it is the alienating parent who is causing the divide between what once was a healthy relationship. Many times, a relationship between a child and loving parent is irreparably destroyed due to parental alienation caused by the narcissistic parent. What results is either a toxic/resentful relationship between the child and loving parent, or in the worst-case scenario, no relationship will be in existence between the loving parent and the child. This ultimately is the goal of a narcissistic parent who aims to destroy the relationship between the loving parent and the child. This then allows the narcissistic parent to have full control of the child and full control over the loving parent. It is therefore important to be aware of the warning signs of narcissistic parental alienation before it gets to the point where no relationship exists between the loving parent and the child.
Do Not Compete:
If you are up against a narcissistic parent who is indulging in a parental alienation campaign, it is important that you do not try and compete with this individual and his/her behaviour. Instead, it is important to focus on your own parenting styleyou’re your own relationship with the child that is focused on healthy values. Whilst a narcissistic parent may try and bribe a child with gifts and excess, it is important to instead focus on parenting your child with love, empathy, stability, truth, presence and a peaceful environment. Long-term, this will prevail once a child is old enough to comprehend the full picture of what has been occurring.
Ask for Help:
Dealing with a narcissistic abusive co-parent is not an easy task and should not be handled alone. You should be asking for help from third-parties such as family and friends who can maybe intervene and assist in the peaceful communication between you and your co-parent. You may also need to speak with a therapist to learn how to deal with a narcissistic abusive co-parent and develop your skills on how to communicate with him/her and with your child. In very difficult cases, you may also need to seek solicitor advice as your solicitor may be able to assist in finding a solution for your situation.
Take Care Of Yourself:
Finally, it is important that you take care of yourself when dealing with a narcissist in your co-parenting journey. It is a difficult task to deal with someone who may be manipulating and attempting to control you and your child. It is important that you take time for yourself, whether it is talking it out with a therapist or spending time with family and friends, enjoying the hobbies that make you happy and strengthening yourself so that you are able to create boundaries with your co-parent and learn to be mentally strong despite the circumstances.

If your co-parent escalates his/her narcissistic behavour to physical abuse, this is when you will need to seek professional assistance and report any abuse to the authorities. Speak to someone who can support you in safely reporting any abuse to authorities and ensure that you and your child are not in danger. This is also the time to speak with your solicitor so he/she can assist with legal action in protecting you and your child against an abusive spouse.

Co-Parenting Checklist for the Summer Holiday

In our last article, we discussed the importance of peaceful co-parenting and being prepared when planning your summer holidays with the children. In this article, we will continue on with our discussion by providing you with a short key checklist of things to keep in mind ahead of the children’s summer holidays:

Co-Parenting Summer Holiday Checklist:
1. Review co-parenting agreement/order(s) prior to planning your summer holiday with the children.
2. Plan a meeting/telephone call with your co-parent to discuss holiday plans and ensure both of you are on the same page about the upcoming summer holidays.
3. Plan your holidays with the children accordingly and obtain necessary paperwork/documents including but not limited to passports, birth certificates (if necessary) and Deed of Parenting (if necessary), Covid vaccination and vaccination records.
4. Provide a detailed summary of travel plans to your co-parent after tickets and plans are purchased and solidified.
5. Provide to your co-parent the emergency contact details for the children when traveling for the summer holidays.
6. Discuss any financial considerations with your co-parent about the children’s holiday travel plans and activities.
7. Enjoy your holidays with the children!
Questions to Ask Your Solicitor Prior to the Holidays:
1. After reviewing the children’s holiday agreement/orders and there is any confusion, ask for clarification from your solicitor so you are not misinterpreting or misreading the agreement/orders.
2. If there are disagreements about the summer holidays, ask your solicitor what can be done to assist in the process.
3. If an application must be made to the court, ask your solicitor detailed questions about the application including how long it will take to obtain a court order and if there is anything that can be done to expedite the process and what the costs are.
4. Ask your solicitor if you need to bring additional documents with you when traveling with the children other than a passport such as a birth certificate and/or Deed of Parenting.
5. If you have a history of issues with your co-parent, ask your solicitor if there are any safeguards or steps you can take in advance to avoid issues/conflict during the holidays with the children.

The above is a handy checklist of the things you should review and prepare in advance of the summer holidays. It is always better to be overprepared when it comes to the children’s holidays. The last thing you want is to have any issues or conflict during your holidays with the children or even worse, not being able to travel with the children for the holidays because of a disagreement with your co-parent over the summer holidays. Speak to your solicitor when in doubt!

Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Vicky Lau, Mediator.

Vicky Lau is an experienced social work practitioner in Hong Kong. She is driven to pursue dignity living for low-income groups which stems from her passion for assisting these individuals with their finances and housing related issues. Vicky has been working in the community development field for 13 years and maintains a keen interest in advocating long term policy changes.

Vicky is now responsible for several housing projects planning and co-ordination.

Vicky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

My work has centered around social work and family mediation. I have worked as a social worker for the last 13 years. One of the key areas which I focus on is community development, namely with housing projects in Hong Kong and the low-income group of individuals living in squatter areas such as subdivided flats, transitional housing and other public housing.

When we work on cases with this group of individuals, we engage with them and help them through any struggles they may have especially related to family issues such as divorce. It is during these moments that I will use my family mediation experience and skills to help them with conflict management.

Let’s first dive into your work as an accredited family mediator. What type of family mediation are you typically involved in?

Most of the cases I assist individuals with is divorce. The major issues they have is that they are not privy to information and/or resources. Individuals, particular in the low-income group do not know where to start and they ask for help on how to engage in the divorce process. I assist by providing them with resources and helping them apply for legal aid.

Part of the assistance I can also provide is helping these family members engage in mediation and to speak to them about their issues and see if we can do anything to resolve the issues at hand.

What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples in Hong Kong?

Most of the clients I deal with argue about finances as they are from the low-income sector. As living expenses continue to rise and especially individuals with children, their income is not sufficient to cover their daily living costs. Arguments begin due to the stresses related to finances and maintaining a living. The low-income group sector generally do not have the funds to hire domestic helpers and in most cases, the mother takes on the primary role of being a full-time housewife while the father is the sole breadwinner. Due to the imbalance of economic positions, these couples will argue over daily chores, finances and with such a small space, they do not have room to take breaks from one another. The only option for breaks is to go outside or out to the street. The stress upon these individuals is very high.

What practical exercises/advice do you give to couples going through marriage difficulties?

First off, I will assist these individuals to apply for resources. For example, there are subsidies available from the government which are difficult to apply for but once approved, the money is good for these families. I like to help these families apply for such grants because it provides the families with some relief from the financial situation. For those individuals going through a divorce, I can assist them with filing for divorce and providing resources to file for divorce including applying for legal aid.

When I am working with these families, I like to teach them micro-skills to help ease any conflict they may have especially in such small spaces. For example, simple methods of creating space and boundaries are important. One of the main skills I like to provide advice on is communication skills. For example, I like to talk to families about how to rephrase their thoughts so that they can get the same point across but with a different tone.

What about children…what practical exercise/advice do you give to children who are going through the same difficulties?

It depends on the age of the children, but I always like to offer my social work and mediation experience to children depending on whether they are willing to accept it.

One of the main issues I see with children is tackling the emotional aspect of divorce. When parents get divorced in the Chinese traditional culture, the children will know that the parents have a bad relationship but they do not necessarily have any concept of divorce or the process of one parent moving out. Many times, the traditional Chinese families do not talk about divorce to the children and sometimes will lie about what is actually happening. I always like to tell parents that it is vitally important that they tell the children about the divorce and remain transparent about it because in reality, children already know that something is wrong. Even if they cannot express in words what they are seeing, they can feel it. Children also see the conflict happening in the household so it is important for parents to talk about it with the children so they are not left in the dark about what is going to happen. I always like to remind parents that it is important to speak with the children about the divorce (but not adult-related matters) and relieve what the child is worried about. Many times, divorce will impact a child’s future long-term romantic relationships and if it is not dealt with properly as a child, they will have trust issues in their adult relationships or create the same relationship pattern as their parents in their adult relationships. The ideal is for a child to have a future romantic relationship where it is peace and solution-based focused rather than a conflict approach basis.

About Vicky Lau, Mediator

Vicky was educated at the Hong Kong Baptist University with a Bachelor’s in Social Work and a Master’s degree of Arts in Communication (Concentration: Integrated Communication Management). Also, Vicky has been an accredited mediator since 2010 and attained accredited family mediator status in 2018.

Vicky is currently working at a local NGO and received the 2019 Best Practice Award in Social Welfare issued by The Hong Kong Council of Social Service (HKCSS) for a public housing project.

If you would like to get in touch with Vicky, you can contact her at the following email address –
vickylau.mail@gmail.com

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Adrian Tong, Counselling Psychologist and University Lecturer

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