Category Archives: Children

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

Children are resilient and it is true that in divorce, your child will adjust to the new normal that is established between you and your co-parent. It is important however, to remember that even if your child is adjusting well to a divorce, there are things you can do as a parent to help them adjust to the changes in a more seamless and healthy way. Here are some tips to consider to help ease the adjustment for your children in a divorce:

Do Not Involve The Children In The Divorce Process: One way to help your children adjust to the divorce is not to involve them in the divorce process. Many times, parents involve their children in a divorce by divulging details about the legal proceedings and the emotional difficulties the parent is facing in the divorce. It is important not to involve your children in the divorce because when you do involve them, it will cloud the way they see the other parent and this is not healthy for their relationship with the other parent. This could also be used as ammunition against you in legal proceedings and be classified as parental alienation. Rather than focus on the litigation fight, focus instead on the bigger picture. You and your ex-spouse will have to co-parent with one another for the rest of your lives. You will both want to be at your child’s wedding and will want to have an ongoing relationship with them forever. It is better to be at peace with your ex-spouse in the co-parenting journey rather than fight with one another and be embroiled in drama that is unnecessary and unhealthy for all individuals involved. Importantly, children are too young to understand the legal complexities of divorce. It is already difficult for adults to understand the legal issues in a divorce so imagine how hard it must be for children to understand it. If you want emotional support, rather than turn to the children, reach out instead to other family members or trusted friends to provide the support you need.
Promote and Facilitate Open Communication: As a co-parent it is imperative that you facilitate and encourage open communication. This includes open communication between the co-parent and the children, but it is also helpful if as co-parents, you are able to openly communicate with each other in cordial and friendly way. The way in which you communicate with one another will have a great impact on the way your children will view you and how they deal with their own relationships in the future. If you are involved in a litigious divorce and open communication is difficult, you do not have to apologize for the fact that communication is impossible with the co-parent. However, you can still encourage open communication and relationship between the co-parent and the children. Regardless of what you are feeling and the intense emotions you may have for the other parent, it should not impact the love and relationship you encourage between the children and the other parent. You want your child to have a good relationship with the other parent as it will impact their development. Having a strained or non-existent relationship with a parent will only have dire effects on a child and their future relationships going forward.
Consider Spending Time Together As A Family: This is a controversial tip however a good one to consider. It may be difficult, and almost impossible in some broken families to continue to spend time together as a family unit after a divorce, but it can be done. When it is done in a healthy way, the outcome can be beautiful and wonderful healthy relationships can be forged on the basis that even though “mommy and daddy” have divorced, there is still friendship. By establishing a friendship post-divorce with your ex-spouse, you are demonstrating to the children that the family is available to support him/her and that the family love is not lost. It may take time to achieve a healthy and peaceful dynamic but it is worth considering reaching for this post-divorce family goal!

Do not be shy about speaking with your solicitor on his/her tips on how to forge a healthy family dynamic post-divorce. Your divorce solicitor is not only there to provide you with legal advice but he/she can also provide you with tips on how to have a healthy divorce rather than a litigious divorce. If your divorce solicitor only encourages litigation and division among the family, you may want to consider another divorce solicitor, one who is more focused on helping you achieve a healthy dynamic post-divorce.

Timeline For Divorce In Hong Kong

One of the more common questions we receive is how long does it take to obtain a divorce in Hong Kong? There is not a simple straight-forward answer as there are many considerations involved in such a timeline. The timeline of a divorce could be impacted by your personal circumstances but also circumstances out of your control. For example, earlier this year, the courts in Hong Kong were subject to a “GAP” (a general adjournment period) due to the Covid-19 outbreak in Hong Kong. As a result, the courts in Hong Kong were closed for an extended period of time and this caused significant delay for many individuals going through a divorce in Hong Kong.

With that being said, the Family Court in Hong Kong do have general guidelines on how long it should, practically speaking, take for cases to be concluded in Hong Kong. This is outlined in Practice Direction SL10.4 with the Family Court’s Target Time Tabling schedule. According to this Practice Direction, after a Case Management Hearing (“CMH”) hearing is listed before the allocated judge, and in cases that involve both children and finance proceedings, the target time table is as follows:

Short cases within 23 months from the Case Management Hearing;
Medium cases within 27 months from the Case Management Hearing;
Long cases within 32 months from the Case Management Hearing.

The time tabling estimates of course may vary if you are only dealing with finance issues. According to the Practice Direction SL10.4, cases involving finances only, the target time table is as follows:

Short cases within 13 months from the Case Management Hearing;
Medium cases within 17 months from the Case Management Hearing;
Long cases within 22 months from the Case Management Hearing.

It is important to note that on the issue of divorce only, if you and your spouse are not involved in a dispute on the issue of divorce and it is an undefended divorce, the timeframe from the filing of the Petition to the Decree Absolute is generally anywhere between 6 to 9 months.

It is important to speak with your solicitor about any questions you may have about the timetable for your divorce as he/she will be able to give you a better idea of how the courts are handling matters at the time of filing. The complexity of your case will also determine the timeline as to how long it will take the courts to set down key dates/hearings. Your solicitor should prepare you in that a divorce in Hong Kong is never quick. It will take time to divorce in Hong Kong and it will be an involved process that requires a great deal of patience.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Wing Kit Choi, Psychiatrist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Wing Kit Choi, a forensic psychiatrist based in Hong Kong at Alpha Clinic. Dr. Choi is a former deputy chief of service in forensic psychiatry at Castle Peak Hospital and is currently working as a private psychiatrist at Alpha Clinic and is also an honorary clinical associate professor at The University of Hong Kong.

Dr. Choi, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a specialist in psychiatry. I graduated from Hong Kong University (“HKU”), and also have a Master’s Degree in Criminology. Thereafter, I obtained my membership at The Royal College of Psychiatrists and became a fellow of The Hong Kong College of Psychiatrists and specialist in psychiatry in 2006. Throughout my career, I have received intensive local and overseas training in forensic psychiatry.

Apart from practicing as a private psychiatrist at the Alpha Clinic in Hong Kong, I also teach medical students at HKU and The Chinese University of Hong Kong (“CUHK”) as an Honorary Clinical Associate Professor. I am also the Subspecialty Spokesperson in Forensic Psychiatry at the Hong Kong College of Psychiatrists and was the Consultant Psychiatrist and Deputy Chief of Service at the Department of Forensic Psychiatry at Castle Peak Hospital.

I am approved by the Hong Kong Hospital Authority for the purpose of Section 2(2) of the Mental Health Ordinance (Cap. 136) (“MHO”) as having special experience in the diagnosis or treatment of mental disorders or having special experience in the assessment or determination of mental handicaps. My clinical practice involves psychiatric risk assessment, management of mentally-disordered offenders, conducting psychiatric assessment and writing psychiatric reports for medicolegal purposes. I have been repeatedly appointed as a psychiatric expert witness in the High Court and have prepared psychiatric reports to different levels of Courts and law enforcement agencies. Other than criminal cases, I also provide medical assessments and reports for civil matters and have experience of acting as an expert witness in matrimonial proceedings.

That is an impressive resume and it is such an honour to speak with you given your extensive experience.

We are in a very sensitive era and globally it is estimated that 1 in 7 adolescents are experiencing a mental disorder with many teens citing depression and anxiety as a key issue of struggle. What have you been experiencing in your private practice with respect to adolescents in Hong Kong and the issues they are struggling with?

Adolescents in Hong Kong are facing a wide range of mental health issues, as Hong Kong is a fast-paced society, schools in Hong Kong are demanding, not only in terms of academics but also on all-rounded development for students.

Children and youths in Hong Kong tend to grow up with a busy lifestyle, with lots of extra-curricular activities on top of academic requirements. Many children and youths do not cope well and it becomes very stressful for them in terms of chaotic time management which results in anxiety, worrying about not meeting deadlines due to heavy workloads and not doing their best in terms of academic performance. Children and youths also experience stress which can come from parents and also competition with peers /siblings on academic results or other areas of achievements. This can result in depression. Some youths may find themselves not doing their best which makes them question his/her own ability.

Coinciding with the pandemic in recent years, and lots of disturbances to the school learning mode and curriculum, youth anxiety and depression have become more prominent. The number of changes and uncertainties make it difficult for children and youth to adapt. For example, the suspension of face-to-face teaching has narrowed youths’ social circle and it results in the feeling of loneliness and it affects his/her social development.

What are the consequences of failing to address adolescent mental health conditions?

There are many consequences. Children and youths may not know how to detect one’s own anxiety or depressive symptoms. Some individuals tend to cover up their problems. Parents, teachers, or peers may not easily notice his/her issues which then intensifies a child/youth’s mood problems. This also can then result in a deterioration of the relationship between parent and child. The worst case is that a child/youth becomes suicidal or exhibits self-harm behaviour.

What impact have you seen with adolescents in terms of divorce and the breakdown of the family unit?

Through my experience, I have seen many adolescents struggle due to divorce. Some of the impact which rises up to the surface include:

Anxiety and distress
Emotional turmoil which results in a deterioration of family relationships
Depression
Deterioration of academic performance
Behavior issues including impulsive behaviour, delinquency and conduct disorders
Rebellion including risky behaviour such as early sexual activity and substance abuse
Problems that could extend into adulthood and result in substance abuse problems, mental health issues, negative impacts on romantic relationships, family and work.

What can parents do to help their children through divorce?

It is important for parents to keep a strong positive relationship with their children to assist them to cope with a divorce. It’s important not to argue in front of your children and try to avoid custody or visitation disputes altogether. It is also important to remind your children that they did not cause the divorce.

Parents can be open to children’s feelings, keep up on daily routines, and generally keep a close eye on any behavioral changes throughout the divorce process and beyond.

I also recommend parents to try to let their children know that those feelings are completely normal. For the most part, children simply need to understand that parents acknowledge their emotions about the situation.

If your children are angry, allow them to express that and validate those feelings. If they’re confused and full of questions, answer them in a neutral manner without letting any hostility about the divorce seep through. They may not want to verbalize their emotions.

It’s common for daily routines to become more irregular over the course of a divorce or separation. Regular pick-up and drop-off times for school, bedtimes, mealtimes, and other relevant routines will keep children in a range of familiarity, which helps to compensate for the level of change brought by the family divorce.

It’s also crucial to identify any signs of detachment or behavioral change in children. It lets parents know that intervention is necessary. Occasionally, parents can ask their children about their thoughts on the divorce, and reassuring them that they’re still loved and cared for all the same. If children stray from their usual behavior and don’t return to normal after six to eight weeks, it could be time to seek professional help through a child therapist.

In certain litigious divorces, children are asked to provide their input/testimony in divorce. Is this a good idea in your opinion? What negative or positive impact could this have on an adolescent and its potential impact on the relationship(s) between the parents?

It depends on the situation of each case. It may be beneficial that the children’s views or feelings can be taken into account. This is more effective if the child is of sufficient age and capacity. The child must also be able to form an intelligent opinion on the issue of custody.

Sometimes, children giving testimony in divorce might not be effective as a child might advocate for the more permissive parent, as opposed to the one who sets rules and limits.

Testimony in court may bring stress that a child might well avoid. They have to publicly and officially take sides in a divorce case which adds additional stress to a child already having to overcome.

About Dr. Wing Kit Choi, Forensic Psychiatrist:

Dr. Choi is a forensic psychiatrist at Alpha Clinic in Hong Kong. He is also an honorary associate professor at The University of Hong Kong. Forensic Psychiatry is a subspecialty of psychiatry in which scientific and clinical expertise is applied to legal issues in legal contexts.

Children’s Views in Divorce and Their Mental Health

As part of our series on mental health, we have discussed with several mental health professionals the key to assisting children through divorce and the “new normal” that a child will face in divorce.

One of the key factors in helping to ease the pain a child may go through in divorce as expressed by several mental health professionals in Hong Kong is to create an open environment for a child to communicate with their parents without the fear of reprimand or shame.

In a divorce, a child may have a lot of questions about what is to come and the uncertainty can sometimes be more frightening then the reality itself.

Here are some tips on how to ease the burden of divorce upon your child and some of the key questions your child may have throughout the daunting process:

Will A Child Have A Voice In Divorce?: One of the key questions a child may have in the divorce process is whether his/her wishes and desires will be considered in the decision-making process or whether the child will simply have to follow along with what the parents and the courts decide for his/her life. Whilst it is appropriate for a young child to have the parents make the necessary decisions in their best interests, an older child may be allowed to voice their wishes and desires in the Family Court proceedings. In Hong Kong, the Family Courts will appoint a Social Welfare Officer to assist in the decision-making process of the Judge to determine what is in a child’s best interest. This is done through various in-depth interviews with the child and in some cases, by having psychological reports conducted. Generally speaking, it is always an ideal situation if the parents can agree on the best interests of the child rather than having Court-appointed strangers make the decision for them. Thus, this brings in the importance of having healthy co-parenting relationships in order to make compromised and healthy decisions for the children of the family. Many times, having open communication with your child will assist in the decision-making process of the parents because the child’s wishes are respected and taken into consideration.

Parental Disputes Should Not Be Resolved Through A Child: Many times, children are caught in the middle of parental disputes especially when the parents cannot get along and are fighting a legal battle in the Family Court. The worst thing parents can do is drag the child into the litigation. Many times, this is done by the parents discussing the divorce with the child, asking for emotional support from the child about the divorce and bad-mouthing the other parent so as to alienate the child from the other parent. It is important for a child to understand that the divorce is an adult issue to be discussed and resolved between the two parents. It is not for children to become involved in the divorce or be used as pawns in the negotiation process of the divorce. Children should not be seen or used as messengers and thus, any necessary communication should be between the parents and not through the child. Whilst it may be tempting to use a child as a weapon in a divorce, it is important for parents to do their best to refrain from such behaviour and instead find that support from other adults it be solicitors, barristers, friends or other family members. Children are not designed to handle the burdens of a divorce and such trauma could result in disruptive behaviours, anxiety and other psychological issues.

Healthy Co-Parenting Means Healthy Children: Having a healthy co-parenting relationship provides a child with an example of how broken families can still function in a respectful, friendly and loving way. Healthy co-parenting means respectful language is used when communicating with the other parent, refusing to bad-mouth the other parent when disappointed by the other parent’s actions and keeping adult conversations between the adults. Healthy co-parenting also means respecting the other person’s time and encouraging a relationship between the child and the other parent. In a divorce, one of the key concerns that a child may have is whether they will be able to spend time with the other parent (the non-custodial parent). In Hong Kong, one parent is typically provided with “care and control” and this parent is usually the primary caregiver on a day-to-day basis. The other parent is granted “access” and is considered by the Family Court, the “non-custodial parent.” When the non-custodial parent is granted “access” to the child, the primary parent should facilitate access so that the child can spend time with the other parent as agreed or by the Court order. Making access difficult not only creates tension between the parents but it also places an overwhelming burden on the child who then believes he/she must pick sides between the parents.

Whilst divorce is a difficult process for adults, the children also suffer greatly and they also must process the change. Children need their parents to help them through the process and cannot rely on themselves to get through the ordeal. Thus, if you need assistance through the divorce, speak to friends, family and professionals to help you navigate the challenges. Speaking with your solicitor will also be helpful as your solicitor has seen many families through a divorce and can provide you with useful tips on how to navigate the challenges that you face and the challenges that your children face.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Henry Kwok, Psychiatrist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Henry Kwok, a Hong Kong based psychiatrist with special interests in the mental health of children and adolescents, as well as individuals with intellectual disabilities. He also provides psychiatric examinations and medical reports for the Courts in Hong Kong. Dr. Kwok serves many Non-Government Organizations (NGOs), special school, patient support groups and parent associations in Hong Kong

Dr. Kwok, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I received my basic medical and psychiatric training in Hong Kong. Then I undertook specialist training at various institutes and hospitals in Hong Kong, United Kingdom, the Netherlands and in the USA. My work as a service head, clinician, researcher and academic in the field of psychiatry extends back to three decades. Internationally, I have served organizations including the World Psychiatric Association (WPA) and the World Health Organization (WHO). Currently I am a psychiatrist in private practice.

Your interest is on mental health and you have worked with children and adolescents in Hong Kong. Can you tell us more about your experience with this age group and what challenges children and adolescents are facing in Hong Kong at this time?

I have seen children and adolescents with all sorts of emotional and behavioural problems. There is also a group with special educational needs such as Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

It is certainly a very challenging period of time for children in Hong Kong. There are many pressures that children face in Hong Kong and I can name a few that are exceptionally highlighted in our society. I think the most important challenge children face is academic. There is so much pressure on the academic side in Hong Kong because parents and teachers push students to work hard and get good grades. In Hong Kong there is also societal stress related to competition that children encounter among their peers and through various social media and this can cause conflict with their parents.

Another significant stress for children is family conflicts. There is a high rate of divorce in Hong Kong and before parents divorce, there is usually a long period of time where marital discord affects the emotional and psychological development of children. The living space in Hong Kong is also very small and many children live in partitioned flats and/or public housing and so they may not have sufficient private space to study and play and this can affect their mental well-being. The excessive use of the internet by children is another source of clashes between parents and their children.

Finance is also a big stress right now in Hong Kong especially with Covid-19 as parents are under stress to meet not only the material needs of their children but also other areas such as extra-curricular activities. We also know in Hong Kong there are recent waves of families leaving Hong Kong so children have to prepare to face new environments where there are language and cultural differences.

It has been reported that Hong Kong is seeing a record number of suicides. From your review and analysis, what do you think is the root cause of this problem and what can be done to help those who are struggling mentally?

When children and adolescents are under tremendous stress, they might not have adequate coping strategies and support from their parents or teachers. There are parents who may not be sensitive to their children’s emotional needs and some parents use the wrong methods to discipline or relate to their children. This may result in children and adolescents becoming excessively anxious or worried and this can further lead to depressed moods and feelings of hopelessness or uselessness. What follows from this is that a child may begin to develop self-harm behaviours or suicidal thoughts. I have seen a girl of age 4 who voiced that she wanted to die and jump out of the window when she was emotionally upset.

Help has to be tailor-made and individualized with an overall assessment not only of the child but of the whole family because parents are very important in supporting the child in such circumstances. If parents are not adequate and not skillful, we have to teach them to improve their parenting skills and also find some professional assistance for them. We may refer them to psychologists and/or social workers for further therapy or advice.

Divorce is considered a traumatic event both for the individuals going through a divorce, but also for the children/adolescents involved. What key issues have you observed with children/adolescents going through their parents’ divorce?

In a divorce, there are positive and negative sides to it. On the positive side, it is an end to an unhappy marriage and the child is no longer exposed to the conflict on a day-to-day basis. On the negative side, one of the parents will live apart from the child and it simply becomes a reality that the live-out parent will not spend as much time as they once did with the children. It becomes extremely destructive if one parent engages in parental alienation and refuses the other parent to see the child or bad-mouths the parents to the child. This is a big problem as it paints a bad image to the child and the child then becomes confused as to whether the other parent still loves them. This may generate feelings of uncertainty and anxiety within a child and could then result in academic failures, disruptive behaviours or even substance abuse (for older children). Parents must therefore be aware that the child is the victim of divorce.

What advice can you give parents who are struggling with divorce and who are trying to help their children come to terms with the “new normal” of a broken family unit?

As a psychiatrist, the purpose is to minimize emotional harm to the child so they can continue to have normal development as much as possible. This involves communication with the parents and to include other professionals of other disciplines who could assist in helping to re-build the family again post-divorce.

What is most important is the child’s overall well-being and so it is our hope that the parents will always remember to put their child’s best-interest first even if the marriage breaks down. A key way to help ease the burden among a child is for parents to remain active and present in their life.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

I think it is not easy to co-parent especially if the anger and resentment carry on after the divorce. However, it’s important not to see or treat the other parent as an enemy since the focus is on the child and the best interests of the child should be respected. If there are issues communicating, it might be wise to employ a middle man who can help in communication and if the child is old enough, invite the child into important decision-making to at least provide them with a voice to speak about their desires and wishes and to allow both parents to receive that information directly from the child him/herself.

Dr. Henry W M Kwok

M.B.,B.S.(HK), MRCPsych, FHKCPsych, FHKAM(Psychiatry), FRCPsych
Room 821, 8/F, Leighton Centre, 77 Leighton Road, Hong Kong

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

Dr. Choi, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Subscribe to Our Newsletter