Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

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Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Vicky Lau, Mediator.

Vicky Lau is an experienced social work practitioner in Hong Kong. She is driven to pursue dignity living for low-income groups which stems from her passion for assisting these individuals with their finances and housing related issues. Vicky has been working in the community development field for 13 years and maintains a keen interest in advocating long term policy changes.

Vicky is now responsible for several housing projects planning and co-ordination.

Vicky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

My work has centered around social work and family mediation.  I have worked as a social worker for the last 13 years.  One of the key areas which I focus on is community development, namely with housing projects in Hong Kong and the low-income group of individuals living in squatter areas such as subdivided flats, transitional housing and other public housing.

When we work on cases with this group of individuals, we engage with them and help them through any struggles they may have especially related to family issues such as divorce.  It is during these moments that I will use my family mediation experience and skills to help them with conflict management.

Let’s first dive into your work as an accredited family mediator.  What type of family mediation are you typically involved in?

Most of the cases I assist individuals with is divorce.  The major issues they have is that they are not privy to information and/or resources. Individuals, particular in the low-income group do not know where to start and they ask for help on how to engage in the divorce process.  I assist by providing them with resources and helping them apply for legal aid.

Part of the assistance I can also provide is helping these family members engage in mediation and to speak to them about their issues and see if we can do anything to resolve the issues at hand.

What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples in Hong Kong?

Most of the clients I deal with argue about finances as they are from the low-income sector.  As living expenses continue to rise and especially individuals with children, their income is not sufficient to cover their daily living costs.  Arguments begin due to the stresses related to finances and maintaining a living.  The low-income group sector generally do not have the funds to hire domestic helpers and in most cases, the mother takes on the primary role of being a full-time housewife while the father is the sole breadwinner. Due to the imbalance of economic positions, these couples will argue over daily chores, finances and with such a small space, they do not have room to take breaks from one another.  The only option for breaks is to go outside or out to the street.  The stress upon these individuals is very high.

What practical exercises/advice do you give to couples going through marriage difficulties?

First off, I will assist these individuals to apply for resources.  For example, there are subsidies available from the government which are difficult to apply for but once approved, the money is good for these families.  I like to help these families apply for such grants because it provides the families with some relief from the financial situation. For those individuals going through a divorce, I can assist them with filing for divorce and providing resources to file for divorce including applying for legal aid.

When I am working with these families, I like to teach them micro-skills to help ease any conflict they may have especially in such small spaces. For example, simple methods of creating space and boundaries are important.  One of the main skills I like to provide advice on is communication skills.  For example, I like to talk to families about how to rephrase their thoughts so that they can get the same point across but with a different tone.

What about children…what practical exercise/advice do you give to children who are going through the same difficulties?

It depends on the age of the children, but I always like to offer my social work and mediation experience to children depending on whether they are willing to accept it.

One of the main issues I see with children is tackling the emotional aspect of divorce.  When parents get divorced in the Chinese traditional culture, the children will know that the parents have a bad relationship but they do not necessarily have any concept of divorce or the process of one parent moving out.  Many times, the traditional Chinese families do not talk about divorce to the children and sometimes will lie about what is actually happening.  I always like to tell parents that it is vitally important that they tell the children about the divorce and remain transparent about it because in reality, children already know that something is wrong. Even if they cannot express in words what they are seeing, they can feel it.  Children also see the conflict happening in the household so it is important for parents to talk about it with the children so they are not left in the dark about what is going to happen.  I always like to remind parents that it is important to speak with the children about the divorce (but not adult-related matters) and relieve what the child is worried about.  Many times, divorce will impact a child’s future long-term romantic relationships and if it is not dealt with properly as a child, they will have trust issues in their adult relationships or create the same relationship pattern as their parents in their adult relationships.  The ideal is for a child to have a future romantic relationship where it is peace and solution-based focused rather than a conflict approach basis.

About Vicky Lau, Mediator 

Vicky LauVicky was educated at the Hong Kong Baptist University with a Bachelor’s in Social Work and a Master’s degree of Arts in Communication (Concentration: Integrated Communication Management). Also, Vicky has been an accredited mediator since 2010 and attained accredited family mediator status in 2018.

Vicky is currently working at a local NGO and received the 2019 Best Practice Award in Social Welfare issued by The Hong Kong Council of Social Service (HKCSS) for a public housing project.

If you would like to get in touch with Vicky, you can contact her at the following email address –
vickylau.mail@gmail.com

 

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Wing Kit Choi, Psychiatrist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Wing Kit Choi, a forensic psychiatrist based in Hong Kong at Alpha Clinic. Dr. Choi is a former deputy chief of service in forensic psychiatry at Castle Peak Hospital and is currently working as a private psychiatrist at Alpha Clinic and is also an honorary clinical associate professor at The University of Hong Kong.

Dr. Choi, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a specialist in psychiatry. I graduated from Hong Kong University (“HKU”), and also have a Master’s Degree in Criminology. Thereafter, I obtained my membership at The Royal College of Psychiatrists and became a fellow of The Hong Kong College of Psychiatrists and specialist in psychiatry in 2006. Throughout my career, I have received intensive local and overseas training in forensic psychiatry.

Apart from practicing as a private psychiatrist at the Alpha Clinic in Hong Kong, I also teach medical students at HKU and The Chinese University of Hong Kong (“CUHK”) as an Honorary Clinical Associate Professor. I am also the Subspecialty Spokesperson in Forensic Psychiatry at the Hong Kong College of Psychiatrists and was the Consultant Psychiatrist and Deputy Chief of Service at the Department of Forensic Psychiatry at Castle Peak Hospital.

I am approved by the Hong Kong Hospital Authority for the purpose of Section 2(2) of the Mental Health Ordinance (Cap. 136) (“MHO”) as having special experience in the diagnosis or treatment of mental disorders or having special experience in the assessment or determination of mental handicaps. My clinical practice involves psychiatric risk assessment, management of mentally-disordered offenders, conducting psychiatric assessment and writing psychiatric reports for medicolegal purposes. I have been repeatedly appointed as a psychiatric expert witness in the High Court and have prepared psychiatric reports to different levels of Courts and law enforcement agencies. Other than criminal cases, I also provide medical assessments and reports for civil matters and have experience of acting as an expert witness in matrimonial proceedings.

That is an impressive resume and it is such an honour to speak with you given your extensive experience.

We are in a very sensitive era and globally it is estimated that 1 in 7 adolescents are experiencing a mental disorder with many teens citing depression and anxiety as a key issue of struggle.  What have you been experiencing in your private practice with respect to adolescents in Hong Kong and the issues they are struggling with?

Adolescents in Hong Kong are facing a wide range of mental health issues, as Hong Kong is a fast-paced society, schools in Hong Kong are demanding, not only in terms of academics but also on all-rounded development for students.

Children and youths in Hong Kong tend to grow up with a busy lifestyle, with lots of extra-curricular activities on top of academic requirements. Many children and youths do not cope well and it becomes very stressful for them in terms of chaotic time management which results in anxiety, worrying about not meeting deadlines due to heavy workloads and not doing their best in terms of academic performance. Children and youths also experience stress which can come from parents and also competition with peers /siblings on academic results or other areas of achievements. This can result in depression. Some youths may find themselves not doing their best which makes them question his/her own ability.

Coinciding with the pandemic in recent years, and lots of disturbances to the school learning mode and curriculum, youth anxiety and depression have become more prominent. The number of changes and uncertainties make it difficult for children and youth to adapt. For example, the suspension of face-to-face teaching has narrowed youths’ social circle and it results in the feeling of loneliness and it affects his/her social development.

What are the consequences of failing to address adolescent mental health conditions?

There are many consequences. Children and youths may not know how to detect one’s own anxiety or depressive symptoms. Some individuals tend to cover up their problems. Parents, teachers, or peers may not easily notice his/her issues which then intensifies a child/youth’s mood problems. This also can then result in a deterioration of the relationship between parent and child. The worst case is that a child/youth becomes suicidal or exhibits self-harm behaviour.

What impact have you seen with adolescents in terms of divorce and the breakdown of the family unit?

Through my experience, I have seen many adolescents struggle due to divorce. Some of the impact which rises up to the surface include:

  • Anxiety and distress
  • Emotional turmoil which results in a deterioration of family relationships
  • Depression
  • Deterioration of academic performance
  • Behavior issues including impulsive behaviour, delinquency and conduct disorders
  • Rebellion including risky behaviour such as early sexual activity and substance abuse
  • Problems that could extend into adulthood and result in substance abuse problems, mental health issues, negative impacts on romantic relationships, family and work.

What can parents do to help their children through divorce?

It is important for parents to keep a strong positive relationship with their children to assist them to cope with a divorce. It’s important not to argue in front of your children and try to avoid custody or visitation disputes altogether. It is also important to remind your children that they did not cause the divorce.

Parents can be open to children’s feelings, keep up on daily routines, and generally keep a close eye on any behavioral changes throughout the divorce process and beyond.

I also recommend parents to try to let their children know that those feelings are completely normal. For the most part, children simply need to understand that parents acknowledge their emotions about the situation.

If your children are angry, allow them to express that and validate those feelings. If they’re confused and full of questions, answer them in a neutral manner without letting any hostility about the divorce seep through. They may not want to verbalize their emotions.

It’s common for daily routines to become more irregular over the course of a divorce or separation. Regular pick-up and drop-off times for school, bedtimes, mealtimes, and other relevant routines will keep children in a range of familiarity, which helps to compensate for the level of change brought by the family divorce.

It’s also crucial to identify any signs of detachment or behavioral change in children. It lets parents know that intervention is necessary. Occasionally, parents can ask their children about their thoughts on the divorce, and reassuring them that they’re still loved and cared for all the same. If children stray from their usual behavior and don’t return to normal after six to eight weeks, it could be time to seek professional help through a child therapist.

In certain litigious divorces, children are asked to provide their input/testimony in divorce. Is this a good idea in your opinion? What negative or positive impact could this have on an adolescent and its potential impact on the relationship(s) between the parents?

It depends on the situation of each case. It may be beneficial that the children’s views or feelings can be taken into account. This is more effective if the child is of sufficient age and capacity. The child must also be able to form an intelligent opinion on the issue of custody.

Sometimes, children giving testimony in divorce might not be effective as a child might advocate for the more permissive parent, as opposed to the one who sets rules and limits.

Testimony in court may bring stress that a child might well avoid. They have to publicly and officially take sides in a divorce case which adds additional stress to a child already having to overcome.

Dr. Wing Kit Choi, PsychiatristAbout Dr. Wing Kit Choi, Forensic Psychiatrist:

Dr. Choi is a forensic psychiatrist at Alpha Clinic in Hong Kong. He is also an honorary associate professor at The University of Hong Kong. Forensic Psychiatry is a subspecialty of psychiatry in which scientific and clinical expertise is applied to legal issues in legal contexts.

Spotlight Profile – Caroline Langston, Global Executive Coach

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking with Caroline Langston, a global executive coach for high performers specializing in the banking, fintech, financial services, family office and law practices.

Caroline has been an executive coach for high performers for more than 12 years and assist individuals change and transition in their careers and lives for performance excellence and purpose.

In her role as a global executive coach, Caroline’s mission is to help high performers improve leadership, communication, focus, clarity and reduce stress.

Thank you for speaking with us today, Caroline.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training and how you became an executive coach?

I was an Executive Search Consultant, relocating very senior people into new jobs globally. When there are high stakes, such as relocating a global executive and their family into a new role, company, and country this requires staying close to them, executive coaching them and often their family into their new role and a new way of life. These moves can be very stressful for the spouses and children of the executives. I was coaching more and more often. I loved helping these individuals and their families, eventually taking on the role as an Executive Coach full time. I finally started my own business in 2019.

I did my neuro linguistic programming master practitioner and coaching qualifications 12 years ago, and over the last 3 years completed my International Coaching Federation (ICF) qualifications. I have a Certificate in Coaching Mastery, am accredited by the ICF as a Professional Certified Coach and am also a certified Team Coach.

As a global executive coach, can you explain to readers what your job entails and your role in these individual’s lives?

People come to me to make changes in their lives and careers. This might be career acceleration or change via performance coaching. It may be creating a more harmonious work/ life balance, by managing these elements more effectively. It may be to reach a personal development goal they have not managed to achieve themselves. We may work on emotional management as well throughout this. I am their unbiased partner to help them make this change and keep them on track to hit their goal.

This is carried out by a range of conversations, exercises and work which my clients will do in between sessions, such as exploration of possibilities as well as practicing and implementing new strategies to move towards their desired goal/s. They come back to me with the work they have been done, we assess this together and they decide what works, what does not and how to move forward towards their goal effectively.

One aspect of your role as a global executive coach is “divorce prevention.” Can you explain this further and how you assist clients in preventing divorce?

Globally there is higher and higher pressure to perform. Especially in Hong Kong where we have many senior executives working very long hours, there is pressure on the spouse as well as the other family members. I help people who are trying to resolve relationship disparity and imbalances. Coaching them through time and emotional management, helping them with communication and often looking at where they can borrow time to spend with their families. This has been life-changing for many of my clients.

Just to clarify, as an executive coach you are not teaching clients but rather talking to them as an unbiased partner?

This is correct. I am here to ask them those difficult questions they may not want to ask themselves. As I do not have that emotional connection like friends and colleagues, I am not afraid to dive into areas which others may not want to because of those personal relationships. I am completely unbiased and this helps.

You mention “reflective inquiry” – What do you mean by that?

Reflective enquiry is repeating back what they have said. I reflect verbally their words and ask them if this is what they really mean? For example, they may say “I just never seem to get a break to be with my family”. I may reflect back “I hear you are saying you NEVER get a break to be with your family. Is that really true?”. This may help them think about when they DO get a break albeit very short, what is happening during that time and how we can either create more time like that or maximise the time they have. It also helps them hear how hard they are working and how they really need to make that change and take that break.

What’s the difference between executive coach work and therapy?

A therapist may offer solutions to problems and actions to take. I will brainstorm with my client, but they are the ones who choose the solution or action they want to take. A therapist may also decide to talk about the problem in more depth, I move towards goals and outcomes. I help my clients clearly see the action they may need to take to move forward to their desired outcome.

Based on your experience it would then seem to appear that there can be much said about divorce prevention and working hard to make necessary adjustments. Is that correct?

Absolutely. The key is addressing any issue as soon as it arises. Ensuring there is great communication and finding out what the best possible outcome is for the whole family. Sometimes it just takes a conversation with your spouse or a slight change in time management. Sometimes it is setting that clear intention to make the change and then acting on it. This can be key to saving a relationship or a marriage.

About Caroline Langston, Global Executive Coach:

Caroline is a certified and accredited Global Executive Coach and has over 12 years’ experience of working with high performing individuals. Caroline specializes in the financial services, banking, fintech, family office and law practices.

Caroline’s mission as a global executive coach is to improve leadership, communication, focus, clarity and reduce stress and ultimately assist individuals to find purpose in their career/life.

Caroline uses a combination of traditional coaching, mindfulness-based coaching and neurolinguistic programming practices.

Caroline is based in Hong Kong but originally hails from the United Kingdom.

Considerations Before Relocating Your Children

Hong Kong is a cosmopolitan city, attracting many individuals from various countries to live, work and raise children. In the heat of a divorce, many expatriates may decide they no longer want to remain in Hong Kong and many times, individuals decide to relocate back to their home country. Unfortunately, this may be a complicated situation if you and your spouse are from different countries and the neutral destination to raise your children may continue to be Hong Kong. With that being said, if you are set on relocating with the children in the midst of a divorce, there are important things to consider before you make a final decision to move away with your children.

First of all, if your spouse does not agree to you and your children’s relocation, your plan for a fresh start may not be as easy as you think. Relocation applications can be extremely expensive and can result in a long drawn-out litigated process through the Family Court system. While the Family Court will consider your request to move the children out of Hong Kong, it is usually not a quick decision but rather a well thought-out order by the Family Court. Thus, it could be months or even years before you are given the green light to move with your children to another country.

Before you make a decision to remove your children from Hong Kong, here are some helpful tips to consider before you make this life-altering decision:

1. Think About the Best Interests of Your Children
Is this move beneficial for your children? When you relocate your children, you are moving them away from the other parent. That may be appealing to you in a messy divorce, but to your children, this may be a devastating reality. Think about what is in the best interests of your children first and foremost. If your ex-spouse has an equal timeshare with the children, it may not be that easy to move the children away from their current home country. You will also want to consider the fact that you may be moving your children away from the support system (both family and friends) that they are used to. When this becomes a litigated matter, your desire to move away may not happen immediately, so you also need to consider what the best timing is for your children’s transition in this relocation. If your children are old enough to understand your decision to move, you may want to have open dialogue with them as to their wishes on whether they want to move at all.

2. Have a Plan
Have you thought out the relocation plan all the way through? What school will your children attend and is this school up to par with the current school that your children are attending? Who is going to help care for the children when you are unable to be there for them? Do you have family and/or friends who are in the vicinity to help with childcare and be a support system to you and your children? Do you have a job lined up and is this really a better opportunity than the current employment situation that you are facing in Hong Kong? These are just a few questions to ask yourself prior to the relocation of your family. These are also some questions the Court will want you to explain prior to making its decision so it is important to have a plan and not make a decision based on a whim.

3. Communicate With the Other Parent
Communicate with the other parent about your desire to move. You may be surprised that he or she may be willing to work with you in allowing the relocation. This will also help you avoid costs associated with a litigated motion to move. Communicating with the other parent will also help you and your ex-spouse figure out an appropriate parenting plan and visitation schedule, which may include online “virtual visitation” through Skype, Facetime or ZOOM. It is also important to discuss travel expenses for visitation now that the two of you are no longer living in the same city/country. Open communication may reduce conflict between you and your ex-spouse and reassures the other parent that you are not trying to cut him or her out of the children’s lives. It shows the other parent that you want them to be involved despite the distance.

These are some important questions to ponder upon before you make an ultimate decision to move forward with a relocation application. It is important to remember that Hong Kong is a member of The Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and any individual who unilaterally and wrongfully removes a child from the jurisdiction will be subject to the Convention. Thus, it is important that you speak to a solicitor in this process so that he/she will be able to help you navigate the legal system in this life-changing decision. Ultimately, this should not be an impulsive decision but one that is well thought out and planned appropriately.

Finding The Right Solicitor In A Divorce

When a decision is made to divorce, you are forced to become familiar with the legal world and what may seem like, a legal minefield. This is not an easy task given the legal jargon and technicalities involved in filing for divorce and navigating it until the end. Whilst some couples attempt to navigate the legal process on their own, others choose to hire legal representatives (solicitors and barristers) to assist them and take charge of the legal process. Finding legal representation should not be taken lightly because your relationship with your solicitor will last for a significant period of time and may even extend beyond the actual divorce if there are post-divorce issues to be ironed out.
Here are tips on what to look for when searching for the right divorce solicitor:

1. Do Your Research: Before you decide on a solicitor to assist with your divorce, conduct your own research on who you might want to hire. Conduct an online search and see if any articles or reviews have been posted about the solicitor or his/her law firm. Take your research outside of the Web and ask friends or extended family for a referral. Word of mouth is a great resource. By chatting with others in your community, you will get a better sense of the solicitor’s reputation in the community and whether he/she will be a good fit for you and what you are hoping to achieve in your divorce. Some solicitors have a more aggressive approach to divorce, whilst others are more mediation/settlement minded. You should consider how you want to approach your divorce and your goals and whether it aligns with your solicitor. You should also consider the financial impact a divorce will have on the matrimonial pot and approach your solicitor with that in mind as legal fees will skyrocket the more you litigate.

2. Ask Questions: Before you sign an engagement letter to hire your solicitor, do not be afraid to ask a lot of questions. How does the solicitor bill for his or her work? What is the solicitor’s hourly billing rate? Does the solicitor have assistants and paralegals? If so, will they be doing a significant portion of the work on your case? What are the hourly billing rates for assistants and paralegals working on your case? These questions are important because it will help you determine if you can afford the solicitor’s services going forward. Divorce is a long and expensive process. The initial retainer fee/costs on account will only get you so far and often, you can expect to pay additional fees and costs going forward. An initial meeting with the solicitor is also important because you can see if you and the solicitor are on the same page and whether your personalities gel together. This will be a long working relationship so it’s important that you and your solicitor work well together.

3. Don’t Be Afraid To Make Decisions: If you’ve hired a solicitor and come to find you are not happy with the relationship, do not be afraid to first discuss the issues you have with your solicitor in a transparent and frank conversation with your solicitor. If that is insufficient, then do not be afraid to change your solicitor and find a solicitor that is right for you. While you do not want to get into the habit of switching solicitors on a frequent basis, it is not unreasonable to change your representation when there is a true breakdown in the relationship between you and your solicitor. You may be hesitant to switch your solicitor after investing so much time and money, but remember you are likely to save more money in the long run with the right solicitor and get the results you desire with the right partnership.

Finding the right solicitor to handle your divorce is crucial. The right working relationship will determine the trajectory of your divorce, so make an informed decision before you navigate the legal landscape.

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