Category Archives: Parent

Co-Parenting After Summer Holidays and Returning to the New School Term

After an enjoyable summer holiday and returning to the new school term, now may be an opportune time to review your child custody arrangement and ensure that everything is in order ahead of the new school term.

Here are a few things to consider as you and your co-parent begin to navigate the children’s new school term.

Review Your Agreement/Orders: After your holidays and before the new school term, you and your co-parent should sit down and review the custody arrangement for the upcoming year and ensure that you are both on the same page. This is an opportune time to check your calendars and make sure that things are aligned with the school term calendar and that there is no misunderstanding about the holidays/breaks and any other special occasions that will require child sharing between you and your co-parent. By doing this, you avoid any potential future arguments you and your co-parent may have before a big holiday and/or before a special event. This initial step ensures that you and your co-parent are in communication and things are running smoothly throughout the entire co-parenting journey.
Communicate with your Co-Parent: We like to always repeat this step because it is the foundation of any good co-parenting relationship. This is the time when your emotions should be put aside and the focus should remain on the children and their best interests. Thus, the key is to communicate effectively and with as much respect as possible. Respectful communication does not include controlling, manipulative, aggressive behaviour displayed through verbal communication, text messages and/or email communication. Careful consideration should be given to your tone and how you speak to one another as well. The goal for both co-parents is to raise a happy, healthy child and this should be the main focus when communicating with each other.
Respect Each Other’s Parenting Style and Rules: Whilst you and your co-parent may not always agree on parenting style or house rules, it is important that you respect each other’s differences. It is during these moments of key differences that you and your co-parent need to sit down and discuss how you want to raise your children and how you can both reconcile the differences you may have in your parenting styles and in the rules that you both may have at each of your homes. You cannot expect your co-parent to enforce the rules you keep at your home but you can sit down and speak with each other about what you can and can’t come to an agreement on when it comes to more important and key issues. For example, you and your co-parent may not agree on screen-time that is allowed in the home. Whilst you cannot force your co-parent to enforce your own rules, you can try to come to an agreement that is agreeable to both. However, there will be many times where you simply have to let go of your own rules and respect that your co-parent may have his/her own rules that you do not agree with. In some circumstances such as the example above, you may simply have to respect the difference, let go and move on.
Get Organized: On a more practical level, you and your co-parent may consider scheduling regular “parenting dates” with each other to discuss anything and everything related to the children. This will encourage ongoing communication with one another and allow both parents to remain on the same page when it comes to the children. With that being said, it is important that both parents are organized so that both households run smoothly for the children and one tool that may be useful is a shared online calendar. This can keep track of everything related to the children including important dates, after-school activities, medical appointments, homework projects and more. This can also help minimize face-to-face or telephone discussions with a co-parent in those co-parenting situations where verbal communication is limited or difficult.

It is important to know that regardless of where you are in your divorce process, the transition is a difficult one and co-parenting is one aspect of a divorce which is a learning process. It is a skill that you and your co-parent can work on and learn about as time goes on and through shared experiences. If you have serious difficulties with your co-parenting arrangement, speak to your solicitor or a qualified health professional who can assist in the process either by providing their expertise or providing you with the resources you need.

Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Abuse in Divorce

In litigious divorce cases, one of the issues co-parents may have to deal with is parental alienation. Parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child such that the child refuses to have a relationship with the other parent and as a result, hostilities abound. Many times, parental alienation is tied to narcissistic behaviour. An individual with narcissistic traits will thrive on the use of control and manipulation in order to retain what he/she deems as the “perfect image.” Parental alienation, whilst may be satisfying to the alienating parent, will have devastating effects on a child and the alienated/loving parent and is never in the best interests of the child.

Here are a few things to consider and look out for if you are involved in a divorce with a narcissist and dealing with parental alienation:

Look for Potential Warning Signs of Parental Alienation:
Each and every situation look different and your warning signs will be specific to you. However, here are a few of the more common signs to look out for: the alienating parent will vilify the loving parent; vilification of the loving parent may then extend to his/her extended family and friends; the alienating parent will employ guilt trips upon the child in order to obtain a desired result; the alienating parent’s projected feelings about the loving parent may be highlighted in the child’s own opinion. These warning signs can be displayed in certain behaviour such as the following examples: The alienating parent will refuse to respect the loving parent’s time with the child; the alienating parent will tell the child about adult issues including that the loving parent does not love or care about the child; the alienating parent will guilt trip the child by acting hurt if the child is nice to the other parent; the alienating parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent. Ultimately, at the core of parental alienation is that the child is left in the middle feeling as if he/she has to choose between one parent over the other. A healthy message that should normally be relayed to a child is that he/she does not have to choose between either parent and that both parents, despite being divorced, love the child and want what is best for him/her. This idea of healthy parenting is not a concept that a narcissistic abusive co-parent can understand.
Be Aware of the Risks:
The main risk of parental alienation is that it will cause destruction in the relationship between the child and the loving parent, despite the fact that it is the alienating parent who is causing the divide between what once was a healthy relationship. Many times, a relationship between a child and loving parent is irreparably destroyed due to parental alienation caused by the narcissistic parent. What results is either a toxic/resentful relationship between the child and loving parent, or in the worst-case scenario, no relationship will be in existence between the loving parent and the child. This ultimately is the goal of a narcissistic parent who aims to destroy the relationship between the loving parent and the child. This then allows the narcissistic parent to have full control of the child and full control over the loving parent. It is therefore important to be aware of the warning signs of narcissistic parental alienation before it gets to the point where no relationship exists between the loving parent and the child.
Do Not Compete:
If you are up against a narcissistic parent who is indulging in a parental alienation campaign, it is important that you do not try and compete with this individual and his/her behaviour. Instead, it is important to focus on your own parenting styleyou’re your own relationship with the child that is focused on healthy values. Whilst a narcissistic parent may try and bribe a child with gifts and excess, it is important to instead focus on parenting your child with love, empathy, stability, truth, presence and a peaceful environment. Long-term, this will prevail once a child is old enough to comprehend the full picture of what has been occurring.
Ask for Help:
Dealing with a narcissistic abusive co-parent is not an easy task and should not be handled alone. You should be asking for help from third-parties such as family and friends who can maybe intervene and assist in the peaceful communication between you and your co-parent. You may also need to speak with a therapist to learn how to deal with a narcissistic abusive co-parent and develop your skills on how to communicate with him/her and with your child. In very difficult cases, you may also need to seek solicitor advice as your solicitor may be able to assist in finding a solution for your situation.
Take Care Of Yourself:
Finally, it is important that you take care of yourself when dealing with a narcissist in your co-parenting journey. It is a difficult task to deal with someone who may be manipulating and attempting to control you and your child. It is important that you take time for yourself, whether it is talking it out with a therapist or spending time with family and friends, enjoying the hobbies that make you happy and strengthening yourself so that you are able to create boundaries with your co-parent and learn to be mentally strong despite the circumstances.

If your co-parent escalates his/her narcissistic behavour to physical abuse, this is when you will need to seek professional assistance and report any abuse to the authorities. Speak to someone who can support you in safely reporting any abuse to authorities and ensure that you and your child are not in danger. This is also the time to speak with your solicitor so he/she can assist with legal action in protecting you and your child against an abusive spouse.

Preparing for the Summer Holidays with your Co-Parent

It is never too early to begin your preparation for the summer holidays. This is especially true if you and your co-parent have difficulties agreeing on the logistics of the summer holidays. If you and your spouse are/were involved in a high conflict custody case or have a history of difficulties when making decisions about the children, preparedness is key ahead of the summer holidays.

Here are some tips on how to prepare and make seamless transition into your sunny summer holidays with ease and peace!:

Review Your Agreement/Orders: Before you buy your tickets and make plans for the summer holidays, it is always a good idea to review your agreement with your ex-spouse and any orders that the Family Court may have issued with respect to child custody arrangements and the holidays. It is important to review your agreement/orders so that you are in compliance with the custody arrangements for the summer holidays. As a safeguard, it may also be a good idea to speak to your co-parent about your plans so that you are on the same page about the children’s holiday schedule and there is no room for miscommunication or misunderstandings. Another way to safeguard any issues with your co-parent is to also plan in advance and accordingly so that if there are issues with cancellation or delayed flights, then you have sufficient time to bring the children back home in time for your co-parent’s holiday plans with the children and/or the start of school.
Communicate with your Co-Parent: As mentioned above, communication with your co-parent is key to avoid any miscommunication or misunderstanding when it comes to the children’s holiday schedule. If you are or were involved in a litigious divorce and it is difficult to communicate with your co-parent, then speak to your solicitor about communicating your travel plans with your co-parent well in advance of your travel plans. The last thing you or your co-parent want to deal with ahead of the holidays is disagreement and argument over the children’s holiday plans and/or during the holidays as this will only ruin your time with the children and your children will sense the tension. You can avoid such disagreements and arguments by speaking directly with your co-parent about your plans with the children and ensure your co-parent is fully aware of the plans before any tickets are purchased.
Provide Adequate Details About The Children’s Holidays: If you and your co-parent are on good terms, this will not be a difficult task. However, if you and your co-parent are having difficulties in communication and/or do not speak on a regular basis, it may be a difficult ask to provide transparency with respect to the children’s holidays. Many times, litigious co-parents do not want the other parent to know about the details of their holidays and do not feel the other parent is privy to these details. Whilst this is understandable in certain situations, it is important to remember that this is not about you. This is about the children. It is important for your co-parent to be made aware of the details of the children’s travel plans. This includes a detailed itinerary of travel such as the date of travel to/from their home and if there are additional travel plans within the trip. Other details you should provide to your co-parent is the contact details of the children during the trip and any other relevant details that may be important. For example, if your child is traveling with you and has additional travel plans within your trip to travel with family friends, this is something that should be disclosed to the other parent. The other parent is entitled to know where the children are during the holidays and how to reach them. It is also important to allow your children to be able to communicate with your co-parent even during the holidays. If your agreement/orders allow for your co-parent to have telephone/FaceTime with your children, you should ensure that the agreement/orders are followed even during the holidays.
Ensure Finances Are In Order For The Holidays: It is also important that before you embark on your journey, that your finances are well in order with respect to the children. For example, if your co-parent is required to provide extra monies for the children’s holidays, be sure to communicate this with your co-parent so that you are both on the same page about the activities and adventures the children will be participating in on the holiday. It is important to ensure that the shared costs for the holidays are shared indeed. Any disagreement about costs related to the children’s holiday plans can easily be resolved with direct communication with your co-parent.

If there are disagreements about the children’s holidays and there is no way to handle the disagreement, this is the time when you will need to speak to a solicitor. If you and your spouse are in disagreement over the agreement/orders regarding the children’s holidays, you may require court intervention. If court intervention is required, it is important to recognize that it will take a considerable amount of time before you can be heard before a judge and before a decision is made. It is for this reason that you should prepare well in advance of the children’s holidays to ensure that you and your co-parent are in agreement with the children’s plans. If there is no agreement, then at least there will be sufficient time to mediate or seek court intervention before the holidays approach.

Spotlight Profile – Man B.W. CHUNG, Marriage Counselor, Parenting Coordinator and Accredited Family Mediation Supervisor

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Man B.W. Chung, a marriage counselor, parenting coordinator and accredited family mediation supervisor in a NGO in Hong Kong. In her capacity of playing the role, Ms. Chung handles over 40 mediation cases and 20 child-intervention cases in a year.

Ms. Chung, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Thank you for inviting me.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a social worker and I have been working with youngsters since I was graduated. I have furthered my study in the area of Family Mediation and Family Therapy and have worked in the area of divorce in recent years. I am practicing the Therapeutic Family Mediation Approach and making use of Child-inclusive Mediation Model in conducting family works in restoring family functioning whilst they are in turmoil of the marriage.

Let’s first dive into your work as a marriage counselor. What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples after three (3) very difficult years of living with the Covid-19 pandemic?

I could respond with the word “challenging” to describe the post-pandemic era. We all know that the lockdown situation posed high pressure to people in Hong Kong, which then aroused conflict within family members. Along with the waves of emigration after these social incidents, some couples have had trouble possessing similar points of view or expectation towards their future. As a result, I have come across divorce cases where there is fierce conflict or talks about “leave or stay” as well as the relocation of children. We can foresee that the divorce rate could break the record high this year.

What practical advice do you see yourself giving to couples who are going through marriage difficulties right now? What can they do re-ignite the love and passion in their marriage and get through difficulties?

It is understandable that couples facing difficulties would tend to quit as they are usually on the verge of emotional outburst or being disconnected in their relationship. In my daily practice, couples usually see marriage with a myth that divorce could end every problematic situation. I could respond to them that, divorce brings another set of problems for us to face. The accountable solutions may be resolving the problem or enhancing problem solving skills instead.

Couples have their own past history that they cherish and their yearning of attachment to each other. In other words, they have their own positive communication channel inside. Our responsibility is to remove the communication blockages between them by encouraging them listen to each other, try to feel others’ emotion inside and allow them to share their own vulnerability. Sometimes, they only need others’ understanding and acknowledgment.

I always suggest couples seek professional assistance as early as they can, before the relationship becomes frozen or there is too much hatred aroused.

What is the difference between your work as a marriage counselor and as a family mediator?

A marriage counselor would aim at reconciliation in a couples’ relationship and a family mediator would aim at resolving disputes while the couple decided to divorce. It seems that the two services are working towards two directions but our service delivery is at the cross-section of the two domains. We could see, firstly, that the divorce decision is a dynamic that could potentially be reversed upon intervention with mediation or counseling. Secondly, the practice of Therapeutic Family Mediation is also an aim at rebuilding couples’ relationship to a reasonable level that facilitates a communicable co-parenting environment for the growth of children. Therefore, a family mediator bearing two sets of techniques may benefit families in overcoming their difficulties with different direction.

When is family mediation necessary? What role does family mediation play?

The family mediation plays a role of dispute resolution within the divorce procedure. Couples may need to seek assistance from the start of their communication of plans to separate. I would also suggest couples to approach counselors or family therapists as soon as the idea of divorce arises.

In divorce, a parenting coordinator can be helpful and sometimes extremely necessary. Can you please explain the role you play as a parenting coordinator?

Parenting coordination is challenging as there are usually a lot of hurts and conflicts between spouses in their divorce. Most of the time, their conflicts involve parenting. Hurts also trigger hatreds that affect their decision making. In my opinion, a minimal intervention to relationship recovery for the divorced couple may help while their relationship could return to a co-operative level that facilitates rational co-parenting, as I’ve stated above. Frankly speaking, if parents could communicate, we have no need to do too much in terms of parenting coordination. While we are playing the role as a parenting coordinator, we sit in between spouses and take a neutral stance with passionate understanding to each party’s needs.

What are the pros and cons of having a parenting coordinator during and post-divorce?

Of course, if co-parenting does not function in some families, immediate intervention is significant for maintaining the daily lives of children. It is the ultimate goal of all our practitioners, to try to lower the negative effect divorce may have on the growth and daily lives of children. Furthermore, to set up a workable co-parenting plan that fit to family needs may sometimes alter weak points or blind spots that the current working plan would overlook. Therefore, the role of parenting coordinators must be done by psychologically trained practitioners. We can especially focus on the specific psychological needs of children in parental divorce and can be more caring to children who have a variety of special needs.

What advice do you have for parents who are trying to co-parent amidst a divorce? What do you recommend for parents so that they can successfully navigate healthy parenting post-divorce?

First of all, I would suggest that each individual have a brave face in the midst of divorce, whilst at the same time seeking the necessary assistance from professionals. As I have mentioned, divorce brings your family another set of difficulties to be solved. The most crucial but difficult one should be the long-term arrangement to facilitate the healthy growth of the children. Secondly, seek help as early as you can, not only in the midst of a divorce but also within your marriage before you make any decision on it. Lastly, I would like to tell all the parents in representing our children, that their needs must be nurtured for their future. Do not give up communication with your ex-spouse to make a desirable co-parenting plan and to co-create their future.

What advice do you give children who are struggling with the divorce of their parents? What practical exercises can they do to alleviate the anxiety and worry they may feel given such difficult circumstances?

In my past experiences in assisting elder children or teenagers, it is heartbreaking that divorce truly poses a negative effect on children despite their parents’ attempts at avoiding it. To reduce the effects, I would suggest to children that first of all, try to avoid being involved in important decision making. It protects the children from the anxieties induced by biased information and the loyalty split between each parent. Try to suggest to their parents to communicate directly and tell them the same decision they have made. Another reminder for children is that they should not immerse themselves too much in the emotions of one or both of the parents. Children cannot become their counselor and children should be free to tell their parents that they instead find a professional to assist. We can suggest they concentrate on achieving their developmental tasks, such as learning, making friends, searching for their own identity and enhancing self-esteem, as well as developing their own future that do not let parental divorce become their developmental load.

About Man B.W. Chung

Ms. Man Chung is a registered social worker and a Family Therapist. She is especially interested in integrating micro-counselling skills in the mediation process to promote client’s co-parenting abilities while practicing the Therapeutic Mediation Approach. Being trained to be a Child-inclusive Mediator, Man also put her efforts in helping families with teenage children by using CIM’s child assessment techniques on reflecting children’s needs and emotions for facilitating parent’s agreement accomplishment.

Ms. Chung graduated with a Masters of Arts in Family-centered Practice and Family Therapy at the Hong Kong Polytechnic University and also has a Master of Social Science in Social Work in Family from The University of Hong Kong. She attained her accreditation as a Clinical Fellow in American Association of Marriage and Family Therapist and she is an accredited Family Mediation Supervisor in Hong Kong Mediation Accreditation Association Limited.

Contact of Man B.W. Chung

manbwchung@gmail.com

Spotlight Profile – Vicky Lau, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Vicky Lau, Mediator.

Vicky Lau is an experienced social work practitioner in Hong Kong. She is driven to pursue dignity living for low-income groups which stems from her passion for assisting these individuals with their finances and housing related issues. Vicky has been working in the community development field for 13 years and maintains a keen interest in advocating long term policy changes.

Vicky is now responsible for several housing projects planning and co-ordination.

Vicky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

My work has centered around social work and family mediation. I have worked as a social worker for the last 13 years. One of the key areas which I focus on is community development, namely with housing projects in Hong Kong and the low-income group of individuals living in squatter areas such as subdivided flats, transitional housing and other public housing.

When we work on cases with this group of individuals, we engage with them and help them through any struggles they may have especially related to family issues such as divorce. It is during these moments that I will use my family mediation experience and skills to help them with conflict management.

Let’s first dive into your work as an accredited family mediator. What type of family mediation are you typically involved in?

Most of the cases I assist individuals with is divorce. The major issues they have is that they are not privy to information and/or resources. Individuals, particular in the low-income group do not know where to start and they ask for help on how to engage in the divorce process. I assist by providing them with resources and helping them apply for legal aid.

Part of the assistance I can also provide is helping these family members engage in mediation and to speak to them about their issues and see if we can do anything to resolve the issues at hand.

What are some of the central themes/issues that you are seeing in couples in Hong Kong?

Most of the clients I deal with argue about finances as they are from the low-income sector. As living expenses continue to rise and especially individuals with children, their income is not sufficient to cover their daily living costs. Arguments begin due to the stresses related to finances and maintaining a living. The low-income group sector generally do not have the funds to hire domestic helpers and in most cases, the mother takes on the primary role of being a full-time housewife while the father is the sole breadwinner. Due to the imbalance of economic positions, these couples will argue over daily chores, finances and with such a small space, they do not have room to take breaks from one another. The only option for breaks is to go outside or out to the street. The stress upon these individuals is very high.

What practical exercises/advice do you give to couples going through marriage difficulties?

First off, I will assist these individuals to apply for resources. For example, there are subsidies available from the government which are difficult to apply for but once approved, the money is good for these families. I like to help these families apply for such grants because it provides the families with some relief from the financial situation. For those individuals going through a divorce, I can assist them with filing for divorce and providing resources to file for divorce including applying for legal aid.

When I am working with these families, I like to teach them micro-skills to help ease any conflict they may have especially in such small spaces. For example, simple methods of creating space and boundaries are important. One of the main skills I like to provide advice on is communication skills. For example, I like to talk to families about how to rephrase their thoughts so that they can get the same point across but with a different tone.

What about children…what practical exercise/advice do you give to children who are going through the same difficulties?

It depends on the age of the children, but I always like to offer my social work and mediation experience to children depending on whether they are willing to accept it.

One of the main issues I see with children is tackling the emotional aspect of divorce. When parents get divorced in the Chinese traditional culture, the children will know that the parents have a bad relationship but they do not necessarily have any concept of divorce or the process of one parent moving out. Many times, the traditional Chinese families do not talk about divorce to the children and sometimes will lie about what is actually happening. I always like to tell parents that it is vitally important that they tell the children about the divorce and remain transparent about it because in reality, children already know that something is wrong. Even if they cannot express in words what they are seeing, they can feel it. Children also see the conflict happening in the household so it is important for parents to talk about it with the children so they are not left in the dark about what is going to happen. I always like to remind parents that it is important to speak with the children about the divorce (but not adult-related matters) and relieve what the child is worried about. Many times, divorce will impact a child’s future long-term romantic relationships and if it is not dealt with properly as a child, they will have trust issues in their adult relationships or create the same relationship pattern as their parents in their adult relationships. The ideal is for a child to have a future romantic relationship where it is peace and solution-based focused rather than a conflict approach basis.

About Vicky Lau, Mediator

Vicky was educated at the Hong Kong Baptist University with a Bachelor’s in Social Work and a Master’s degree of Arts in Communication (Concentration: Integrated Communication Management). Also, Vicky has been an accredited mediator since 2010 and attained accredited family mediator status in 2018.

Vicky is currently working at a local NGO and received the 2019 Best Practice Award in Social Welfare issued by The Hong Kong Council of Social Service (HKCSS) for a public housing project.

If you would like to get in touch with Vicky, you can contact her at the following email address –
vickylau.mail@gmail.com

Co-Parenting After Summer Holidays and Returning to the New School Term

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