Divorcing Over 50

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Divorcing Over 50

The unfortunate reality is that divorce can happen at any stage in a marriage.  As relationships continuously evolve, there may come a point where it no longer works and both parties have decided to move on.  For some couples, this can happen later in life and in some cases, after the children have grown and left the nest.

Divorce after 50 does not mean your life is over and it can be an opportune time to reevaluate your life and take advantage of the many opportunities and adventures that lie ahead.  Here are some tips to help the transition.

  1. Educate Yourself with your Divorce and your Finances: The divorce process is overwhelming at any age and regardless of what stage you are at in your life, it is important for you to become educated about your divorce and your rights.  Make sure to speak with a solicitor so that you understand what the divorce process looks like, the timing of how things will progress, the details of your financial health in a divorce and most importantly, what the divorce will mean for your children if they are still under the age of 18 years.  If your spouse was the main breadwinner and/or individual in charge of the finances in your marriage, now is the time to become acquainted with your finances and understand what your future finances will look like.  This might also be an opportune time to hire a financial planner so that you know how much you can spend and how much you will need to save for the future.  Will a divorce require you to find a job and earn income of your own? What additional income do you need to pay your day-to-day expenses? How much money can you save and will need to save post-divorce?  These are some of the questions you will need to ask your financial planner so you are aware of your financial health.  The goal is to become financially independent which will ultimately result in greater life satisfaction for you.
  2. Start New Hobbies and Make New Friends: A divorce does not mean your life is over. Yes, it will mean that you will need to adapt to a new normal but that new normal can be exciting and full of adventure.  If you still have minor children and they are not with you 100% of the time, the extra time that you have when your children are living with your spouse will give you the opportunity to spend time with friends, explore new hobbies and make new friends. Even if you are in your older years, it does not mean your life is over but rather it is just getting started and you now have a second chance opportunity to explore all the things you wish you could have done in your younger years. Starting new hobbies that may include physical fitness is a form of self-care which is so important if you are to find fulfilment and satisfaction in your life.
  3. Start Dating: Your golden years is also an opportune time to start dating again. This is especially true if your children have grown up and moved away. Explore the dating world, get to know others and yourself in the process.  Social connections are good for humans and building upon new relationships is what you might just need to move on and let go of the past.

Regardless of where you are at in the divorce process, it is important to see it as a new opportunity and new adventure to move forward in your life despite the difficulties of the journey.  Be sure to surround yourself with supportive family and friends.  It is also important to partner up with a solicitor that is supportive of you and provides you sound, reasonable advice so that he/she can make carry many of the legal burdens for you and support you along the way.

 

Impact Of Divorce On Your Children

Children are resilient and it is true that in divorce, your child will adjust to the new normal that is established between you and your co-parent.  It is important however, to remember that even if your child is adjusting well to a divorce, there are things you can do as a parent to help them adjust to the changes in a more seamless and healthy way.  Here are some tips to consider to help ease the adjustment for your children in a divorce:

  1. Do Not Involve The Children In The Divorce Process: One way to help your children adjust to the divorce is not to involve them in the divorce process.  Many times, parents involve their children in a divorce by divulging details about the legal proceedings and the emotional difficulties the parent is facing in the divorce.  It is important not to involve your children in the divorce because when you do involve them, it will cloud the way they see the other parent and this is not healthy for their relationship with the other parent.  This could also be used as ammunition against you in legal proceedings and be classified as parental alienation.  Rather than focus on the litigation fight, focus instead on the bigger picture.  You and your ex-spouse will have to co-parent with one another for the rest of your lives.  You will both want to be at your child’s wedding and will want to have an ongoing relationship with them forever.  It is better to be at peace with your ex-spouse in the co-parenting journey rather than fight with one another and be embroiled in drama that is unnecessary and unhealthy for all individuals involved.   Importantly, children are too young to understand the legal complexities of divorce. It is already difficult for adults to understand the legal issues in a divorce so imagine how hard it must be for children to understand it.  If you want emotional support, rather than turn to the children, reach out instead to other family members or trusted friends to provide the support you need.
  2. Promote and Facilitate Open Communication: As a co-parent it is imperative that you facilitate and encourage open communication. This includes open communication between the co-parent and the children,  but it is also helpful if as co-parents, you are able to openly communicate with each other in cordial and friendly way.  The way in which you communicate with one another will have a great impact on the way your children will view you and how they deal with their own relationships in the future.  If you are involved in a litigious divorce and open communication is difficult, you do not have to apologize for the fact that communication is impossible with the co-parent. However, you can still encourage open communication and relationship between the co-parent and the children.  Regardless of what you are feeling and the intense emotions you may have for the other parent, it should not impact the love and relationship you encourage between the children and the other parent.  You want your child to have a good relationship with the other parent as it will impact their development.  Having a strained or non-existent relationship with a parent will only have dire effects on a child and their future relationships going forward.
  3. Consider Spending Time Together As A Family: This is a controversial tip however a good one to consider. It may be difficult, and almost impossible in some broken families to continue to spend time together as a family unit after a divorce, but it can be done.  When it is done in a healthy way, the outcome can be beautiful and wonderful healthy relationships can be forged on the basis that even though “mommy and daddy” have divorced, there is still friendship.  By establishing a friendship post-divorce with your ex-spouse, you are demonstrating to the children that the family is available to support him/her and that the family love is not lost.  It may take time to achieve a healthy and peaceful dynamic but it is worth considering reaching for this post-divorce family goal!

Do not be shy about speaking with your solicitor on his/her tips on how to forge a healthy family dynamic post-divorce. Your divorce solicitor is not only there to provide you with legal advice but he/she can also provide you with tips on how to have a healthy divorce rather than a litigious divorce. If your divorce solicitor only encourages litigation and division among the family, you may want to consider another divorce solicitor, one who is more focused on helping you achieve a healthy dynamic post-divorce.

Considerations for Child Arrangements Ahead Of The Holidays

The holidays are fast approaching and for many, holiday plans have already been organized and tickets purchased to travel outside of Hong Kong.  Hong Kong quarantine restrictions have loosened to the point that many individuals have taken this opportunity to fly out of Hong Kong after almost 3 years of heavy travel restrictions and hotel quarantine.

In addition to booking tickets and accommodation for the upcoming holidays, it is important that you also consider children’s arrangements if you are involved in a divorce and have to share custody/visitation of the children.

In preparation for the upcoming holiday season, here are some things to consider and discuss with your solicitor before you take the flight out of Hong Kong:

  1. Clarify and Confirm Children’s Arrangements Ahead Of The Holidays: To avoid conflict with your spouse over the holidays, make sure that you are aware of the dates you are entitled to have the children during the holidays.  Respect that your spouse is also entitled to have time with the children and ensure that any holiday bookings are within the timeframes allocated to you and does not encroach upon your spouse’s time with the children.  To avoid conflict, it is a good idea to revisit your holiday custody plan and ensure that you and your spouse have discussed the holiday plans so that you are both on the same page and have both booked your holidays that respect each other’s time with your children. If there is conflict over timeshare during the holidays, it is best to resolve it before you fly out of Hong Kong rather than having to deal with a custody/visitation dispute whilst traveling and having it ruin you and more importantly your children’s holiday plans.
  2. Provide Emergency Contact Details: Ahead of any holiday, it is imperative that you keep your spouse up-to-date on the children’s holiday plans.  This includes providing emergency contact information and also a detailed itinerary of the children’s whereabouts during their travel, namely flight and other travel details.  Your spouse is entitled to this information because as a parent he/she should always have access to the children and should be made aware of where the children will be staying and with whom.  It is important that you do not make it difficult for your spouse by refusing to provide such important information about the children and their well-being during their travels. With that being said, it is important that when you are on holidays with the children, you allow the children to maintain contact with the other parent.  Being on holidays is not a free pass for you not to stick with a “virtual” visitation schedule and you should do everything you can to facilitate communication between the children and the other parent even on holidays.
  3. Ensure You Have Important Documents On Hand Before Travel: Before you travel with the children, it is important that you have all the necessary travel documentation to make your journey seamless.  This includes up-to-date vaccination records especially with the ongoing Covid-19 virus and the related changing rules amongst various countries.  You also might want to also take the time to speak directly with your solicitor as to whether you will need a Deed of Parenting ahead of travel.  For example, if you and your children have a different last name and the parent with the same last name as the children is not traveling with you, immigration officials at various checkpoints might ask tough questions to ensure that the children are in fact your children.  A Deed of Parenting will assist in avoiding such questions at border control and can easily be drafted by your solicitor prior to you leaving Hong Kong with the children.

If you have any concerns about taking the children on holiday and have concerns about potential issues with your spouse whilst on holiday, it is best to speak with your solicitor and iron out the details and any conflict before you leave Hong Kong.  It will be more difficult to iron out details about the holidays when you’re already on holidays with the children.  It is more trouble to have to deal with conflict with your spouse and having to communicate back and forth with your solicitors in Hong Kong when you should be having fun with the children and enjoying your time away from home.

Spotlight Profile – Dr. Wing Kit Choi, Psychiatrist

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Wing Kit Choi, a forensic psychiatrist based in Hong Kong at Alpha Clinic. Dr. Choi is a former deputy chief of service in forensic psychiatry at Castle Peak Hospital and is currently working as a private psychiatrist at Alpha Clinic and is also an honorary clinical associate professor at The University of Hong Kong.

Dr. Choi, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a specialist in psychiatry. I graduated from Hong Kong University (“HKU”), and also have a Master’s Degree in Criminology. Thereafter, I obtained my membership at The Royal College of Psychiatrists and became a fellow of The Hong Kong College of Psychiatrists and specialist in psychiatry in 2006. Throughout my career, I have received intensive local and overseas training in forensic psychiatry.

Apart from practicing as a private psychiatrist at the Alpha Clinic in Hong Kong, I also teach medical students at HKU and The Chinese University of Hong Kong (“CUHK”) as an Honorary Clinical Associate Professor. I am also the Subspecialty Spokesperson in Forensic Psychiatry at the Hong Kong College of Psychiatrists and was the Consultant Psychiatrist and Deputy Chief of Service at the Department of Forensic Psychiatry at Castle Peak Hospital.

I am approved by the Hong Kong Hospital Authority for the purpose of Section 2(2) of the Mental Health Ordinance (Cap. 136) (“MHO”) as having special experience in the diagnosis or treatment of mental disorders or having special experience in the assessment or determination of mental handicaps. My clinical practice involves psychiatric risk assessment, management of mentally-disordered offenders, conducting psychiatric assessment and writing psychiatric reports for medicolegal purposes. I have been repeatedly appointed as a psychiatric expert witness in the High Court and have prepared psychiatric reports to different levels of Courts and law enforcement agencies. Other than criminal cases, I also provide medical assessments and reports for civil matters and have experience of acting as an expert witness in matrimonial proceedings.

That is an impressive resume and it is such an honour to speak with you given your extensive experience.

We are in a very sensitive era and globally it is estimated that 1 in 7 adolescents are experiencing a mental disorder with many teens citing depression and anxiety as a key issue of struggle.  What have you been experiencing in your private practice with respect to adolescents in Hong Kong and the issues they are struggling with?

Adolescents in Hong Kong are facing a wide range of mental health issues, as Hong Kong is a fast-paced society, schools in Hong Kong are demanding, not only in terms of academics but also on all-rounded development for students.

Children and youths in Hong Kong tend to grow up with a busy lifestyle, with lots of extra-curricular activities on top of academic requirements. Many children and youths do not cope well and it becomes very stressful for them in terms of chaotic time management which results in anxiety, worrying about not meeting deadlines due to heavy workloads and not doing their best in terms of academic performance. Children and youths also experience stress which can come from parents and also competition with peers /siblings on academic results or other areas of achievements. This can result in depression. Some youths may find themselves not doing their best which makes them question his/her own ability.

Coinciding with the pandemic in recent years, and lots of disturbances to the school learning mode and curriculum, youth anxiety and depression have become more prominent. The number of changes and uncertainties make it difficult for children and youth to adapt. For example, the suspension of face-to-face teaching has narrowed youths’ social circle and it results in the feeling of loneliness and it affects his/her social development.

What are the consequences of failing to address adolescent mental health conditions?

There are many consequences. Children and youths may not know how to detect one’s own anxiety or depressive symptoms. Some individuals tend to cover up their problems. Parents, teachers, or peers may not easily notice his/her issues which then intensifies a child/youth’s mood problems. This also can then result in a deterioration of the relationship between parent and child. The worst case is that a child/youth becomes suicidal or exhibits self-harm behaviour.

What impact have you seen with adolescents in terms of divorce and the breakdown of the family unit?

Through my experience, I have seen many adolescents struggle due to divorce. Some of the impact which rises up to the surface include:

  • Anxiety and distress
  • Emotional turmoil which results in a deterioration of family relationships
  • Depression
  • Deterioration of academic performance
  • Behavior issues including impulsive behaviour, delinquency and conduct disorders
  • Rebellion including risky behaviour such as early sexual activity and substance abuse
  • Problems that could extend into adulthood and result in substance abuse problems, mental health issues, negative impacts on romantic relationships, family and work.

What can parents do to help their children through divorce?

It is important for parents to keep a strong positive relationship with their children to assist them to cope with a divorce. It’s important not to argue in front of your children and try to avoid custody or visitation disputes altogether. It is also important to remind your children that they did not cause the divorce.

Parents can be open to children’s feelings, keep up on daily routines, and generally keep a close eye on any behavioral changes throughout the divorce process and beyond.

I also recommend parents to try to let their children know that those feelings are completely normal. For the most part, children simply need to understand that parents acknowledge their emotions about the situation.

If your children are angry, allow them to express that and validate those feelings. If they’re confused and full of questions, answer them in a neutral manner without letting any hostility about the divorce seep through. They may not want to verbalize their emotions.

It’s common for daily routines to become more irregular over the course of a divorce or separation. Regular pick-up and drop-off times for school, bedtimes, mealtimes, and other relevant routines will keep children in a range of familiarity, which helps to compensate for the level of change brought by the family divorce.

It’s also crucial to identify any signs of detachment or behavioral change in children. It lets parents know that intervention is necessary. Occasionally, parents can ask their children about their thoughts on the divorce, and reassuring them that they’re still loved and cared for all the same. If children stray from their usual behavior and don’t return to normal after six to eight weeks, it could be time to seek professional help through a child therapist.

In certain litigious divorces, children are asked to provide their input/testimony in divorce. Is this a good idea in your opinion? What negative or positive impact could this have on an adolescent and its potential impact on the relationship(s) between the parents?

It depends on the situation of each case. It may be beneficial that the children’s views or feelings can be taken into account. This is more effective if the child is of sufficient age and capacity. The child must also be able to form an intelligent opinion on the issue of custody.

Sometimes, children giving testimony in divorce might not be effective as a child might advocate for the more permissive parent, as opposed to the one who sets rules and limits.

Testimony in court may bring stress that a child might well avoid. They have to publicly and officially take sides in a divorce case which adds additional stress to a child already having to overcome.

Dr. Wing Kit Choi, PsychiatristAbout Dr. Wing Kit Choi, Forensic Psychiatrist:

Dr. Choi is a forensic psychiatrist at Alpha Clinic in Hong Kong. He is also an honorary associate professor at The University of Hong Kong. Forensic Psychiatry is a subspecialty of psychiatry in which scientific and clinical expertise is applied to legal issues in legal contexts.

Tips for a Healthy Marriage

In a recent article published by the South China Morning Post, it was reported that marriage counsellors in China claim that mobile phone addiction is responsible for up to 30% of failed marriages in China. The reasoning, according to the article published by SCMP is that mobile phones occupy so much time and as a result, partners are no longer spending time communicating with each other and involving each other in day to day tasks such as household chores and children’s duties. This ultimately causes conflict among couples.

Whilst we might know what causes conflict in relationships and marriages, what can be said about what results in a healthy happy marriage?  Here are some top tips on how to maintain a healthy marriage and a good way to avoid a trip to a divorce lawyer’s office.

1. Act Like You Are Dating: Just because you are married, does not mean dating goes out the window. It is easy to find yourself in the same monotonous routine once you are married, especially given all the new responsibilities you may face as a couple and as parents. However, that does not mean you should neglect each other. Many couples divorce because they do not spend enough time together. Or, couples divorce because their attention is focused on other responsibilities, including children and work. Like seasons, priorities change and spouses may feel neglected. So do not forget that your spouse needs attention and care, and priority should be placed on the relationship. Spend time alone, go out on dates, continue to nurture your friendship with one another and then you are less likely to even consider divorce.

2. Respect and Kindness Through Words and Actions: By the time a couple is ready to divorce, their relationship is so broken, that couples are unable to communicate with one another, much less with any mutual respect and kindness. Respect for one another and kindness through words and actions go a long way when you are in a relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. If you can respect your spouse and express your love through kind words and actions, you are creating a healthy dynamic that will reap rewards throughout your marriage. Moreover, if the relationship is beyond repair, clients who at least recognize the importance of respect and kindness, can maintain a more level-headed approach to divorce. This in-turn allows for a more civil, reasonable (and cheaper) divorce process.

3. Transparency and Communication: There is something to be said about “mystery” and its allure when you are in the beginning stages of a dating relationship. However, when you are married, keeping big secrets from your spouse can be damaging to your marriage. Many marriages fall apart because an individual’s struggles related to finance, and addictions including alcohol, drugs and sex are kept secret. Being transparent and genuine about your struggles is never easy because it forces you to be vulnerable. However, if you value your marriage, you will work on and build upon your communication skills to maintain the relationship.

The underlying thread weaved throughout all the tips shared above is this: place priority upon your spouse’s needs. Marriage is a big commitment and once you take the step towards marriage, it is definitely worthwhile to make efforts to nurture it and hopefully it will also help you avoid a trip down the dreaded divorce highway.

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