Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Abuse in Divorce

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Parental Alienation and Narcissistic Abuse in Divorce

In litigious divorce cases, one of the issues co-parents may have to deal with is parental alienation.  Parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child such that the child refuses to have a relationship with the other parent and as a result, hostilities abound.  Many times, parental alienation is tied to narcissistic behaviour.  An individual with narcissistic traits will thrive on the use of control and manipulation in order to retain what he/she deems as the “perfect image.” Parental alienation, whilst may be satisfying to the alienating parent, will have devastating effects on a child and the alienated/loving parent and is never in the best interests of the child.

Here are a few things to consider and look out for if you are involved in a divorce with a narcissist and dealing with parental alienation:

  1. Look for Potential Warning Signs of Parental Alienation:
    Each and every situation look different and your warning signs will be specific to you. However, here are a few of the more common signs to look out for: the alienating parent will vilify the loving parent; vilification of the loving parent may then extend to his/her extended family and friends; the alienating parent will employ guilt trips upon the child in order to obtain a desired result; the alienating parent’s projected feelings about the loving parent may be highlighted in the child’s own opinion.  These warning signs can be displayed in certain behaviour such as the following examples:  The alienating parent will refuse to respect the loving parent’s time with the child; the alienating parent will tell the child about adult issues including that the loving parent does not love or care about the child; the alienating parent will guilt trip the child by acting hurt if the child is nice to the other parent; the alienating parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent.  Ultimately, at the core of parental alienation is that the child is left in the middle feeling as if he/she has to choose between one parent over the other.  A healthy message that should normally be relayed to a child is that he/she does not have to choose between either parent and that both parents, despite being divorced, love the child and want what is best for him/her.  This idea of healthy parenting is not a concept that a narcissistic abusive co-parent can understand.
  2. Be Aware of the Risks:
    The main risk of parental alienation is that it will cause destruction in the relationship between the child and the loving parent, despite the fact that it is the alienating parent who is causing the divide between what once was a healthy relationship. Many times, a relationship between a child and loving parent is irreparably destroyed due to parental alienation caused by the narcissistic parent. What results is either a toxic/resentful relationship between the child and loving parent, or in the worst-case scenario, no relationship will be in existence between the loving parent and the child. This ultimately is the goal of a narcissistic parent who aims to destroy the relationship between the loving parent and the child.  This then allows the narcissistic parent to have full control of the child and full control over the loving parent.  It is therefore important to be aware of the warning signs of narcissistic parental alienation before it gets to the point where no relationship exists between the loving parent and the child.
  3. Do Not Compete:
    If you are up against a narcissistic parent who is indulging in a parental alienation campaign, it is important that you do not try and compete with this individual and his/her behaviour. Instead, it is important to focus on your own parenting styleyou’re your own relationship with the child that is focused on healthy values. Whilst a narcissistic parent may try and bribe a child with gifts and excess, it is important to instead focus on parenting your child with love, empathy, stability, truth, presence and a peaceful environment.  Long-term, this will prevail once a child is old enough to comprehend the full picture of what has been occurring.
  4. Ask for Help:
    Dealing with a narcissistic abusive co-parent is not an easy task and should not be handled alone. You should be asking for help from third-parties such as family and friends who can maybe intervene and assist in the peaceful communication between you and your co-parent. You may also need to speak with a therapist to learn how to deal with a narcissistic abusive co-parent and develop your skills on how to communicate with him/her and with your child. In very difficult cases, you may also need to seek solicitor advice as your solicitor may be able to assist in finding a solution for your situation.
  5. Take Care Of Yourself:
    Finally, it is important that you take care of yourself when dealing with a narcissist in your co-parenting journey. It is a difficult task to deal with someone who may be manipulating and attempting to control you and your child. It is important that you take time for yourself, whether it is talking it out with a therapist or spending time with family and friends, enjoying the hobbies that make you happy and strengthening yourself so that you are able to create boundaries with your co-parent and learn to be mentally strong despite the circumstances.

If your co-parent escalates his/her narcissistic behavour to physical abuse, this is when you will need to seek professional assistance and report any abuse to the authorities.  Speak to someone who can support you in safely reporting any abuse to authorities and ensure that you and your child are not in danger. This is also the time to speak with your solicitor so he/she can assist with legal action in protecting you and your child against an abusive spouse.

Spotlight Profile – Jacky T. K. Lai, Mediator

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Jacky T.K. Lai, a mediator and barrister at IceHouse Chambers in Hong Kong.  Jacky is a mediator and mediation advocate with experience in over 850 cases that includes disputes involving children and finances.  Jacky has also utilized his expertise as a mediator to train others in the field (as Trainer with Hong Kong International Arbitration Centre (HKIAC), Training Qualifications UK (TQUK)/The Office of Qualifications and Examinations Regulation (Ofqual) and Hong Kong Professional Mediation Association (HKPMA), and as Coach with many other institutions).

Jacky, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I am a barrister called to the Bar in June 2007, mediator, arbitrator and lecturer on mediation and negotiation topics for universities and mediation institutions.  I like to mediate on various sorts of cases including matrimonial matters.  I find resolving conflicts through interest-based negotiations very satisfying, and I am grateful for the trust that I receive from the parties and learned friends.

I received my general mediation training in 2008 from the Accord Group in liaison with HKUSPACE, and my matrimonial mediation training in 2010 from Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council (CMAC).

You have considerable expertise in your role as a mediator and as a mediation advocate.  First, can you tell us why you advocate mediation first in any legal dispute?

Parties usually have too much information but lack of insight.  With their entrenched long-time hatred towards one-another they become too emotionally entangled and entwined into an “Avenger” mentality, thereby losing sight of other dimensions and bigger goals in their lives.  They often get tunnel-vision.  Mediation gives them an opportunity to zoom-out and to hear from each other.  Once communication starts, then understanding at a deeper level can commence.  Of course, the parties may still choose not to settle, yet it is ensured that it is an informed decision, and not because of a lack of communication nor mutual understanding.

You have worked in numerous mediations and in various disputes not only matrimonial disputes. Is there a common theme that you notice in all your mediations that results in a successful mediation? Is compromise the key element to a successful mediation?

The common themes are: broader outlook on the disputes, new dimensions and new observations on life and the issues, a more realistic and a more objective assessment of the law, the facts and the evidence, as well as the perspectives of the opponents.  Sometimes, they just need a platform, a facilitator, a face-saving setting to settle the case.   We mediators are the catalyst in the sessions.

Compromise is NOT a key element to a successful mediation.  Compromise is only a minimalist approach towards settlement.

What works in mediation is: Collaboration. Understanding. Communication. Objectivity. Positivity.  Rethinking.

What can couples do to prepare for a successful mediation?

Have a pre-mediation meeting with a good mediator accompanied by their solicitor/counsel and supported by a trusted and beloved one.  The pros and cons, the costs and benefits and the strategy and tactics, are all re-examined thoroughly, in a safe environment, and the couples are empowered to make decisions.  Of course, trust and rapport are being built throughout the process, and the trauma, pains, suffering and fears are being acknowledged and addressed as well.  If the wound is not healed, at least antiseptic is applied and a bandage is attached to it.  Active listening and empathy are the key elements.

Through your experience, you have come across mediations where a resolution is simply unattainable.  In your matrimonial mediations, what has been the key element of an unsuccessful mediation?

Inadequate insight, mutual understanding, active listening, rethinking, new dimensions or outlook of everything else are common themes.  Tunnel-vision and inadequate wisdom and courage to walk a new path, objectivity, positivity are also common themes.  Many times, the root is insufficient love towards themselves and the children.

In a nutshell, what is lacking is the absence of the essential elements of interested-based negotiations.

 

About Jacky Tsk Kin Lai, Mediator and Barrister at IceHouse Chambers
Jacky T.K. Lai, a mediator and barrister at IceHouse Chambers in Hong Kong.  Jacky has been a mediator and mediation advocate in over 850 cases that includes disputes involving children and finances.  Jacky has also utilized his expertise as a mediator to train others in the field.
Jacky has been a barrister-at-law in private practice in Hong Kong since 2007. He practices in civil and criminal litigation as well as mediation. Jacky received his Bachelors Degree in Economics and LLM from the University of Hong Kong, MBA from the Chinese University of Hong Kong, and LLB from Manchester Metropolitan University. He obtained his HKIAC Accreditation as General Mediator in 2009 and Family Mediator in 2012 by the Hong Kong International Arbitration Centre (HKIAC), and the Hong Kong Mediation Accreditation Association (HKMAAL) Panels of General and Family Mediator since its inception in 2012.
Jacky has been a member of the HKIAC Users’ Council since 2009.  He is the Chairman of the General Mediation Division (GMD) under the Hong Kong Mediation Council and person-in-charge of the Council’s Membership Committee.  He was the Honorary Secretary of Hong Kong Mediation Council (HKMC) under the HKIAC last year, and member of HKIAC’s General Mediation Interest Group. He acted as Vice-Chairman of the HKIC Family Mediation Interest Group, Person-in-charge of Building Management Sub-Group and Person-in-charge of Labour and Employment Mediation Sub-Group. An HKMAAL accredited mediator (General and Family), he has served as a mediator in hundreds of cases.
Jacky has a wealth of teaching, coaching and judging experiences with many universities in Hong Kong with particular emphasis on Mediation and ADR. He is Head Trainer and Chief Assessor of mediation course for Training Qualifications UK, Office of Qualifications and Examination Assessment (TQUK/ Ofqual) and Assistant Head Trainer of HKMAAL 40-hour curriculum, Mediation Subject Expert of Hong Kong Council for Accreditation of Academic and Vocational Qualifications and International Mediation Competition Coach and Judge of International Chamber of Commerce, Professional Mediator on many mediation panels and mentor mediator for the Joint Mediation Helpline Office.
黎子健先生  LLB, LLM (HKU), BSocSc, MBA, FHKI Arb, MCIArb
黎先生自 2007 年起在香港擔任私人執業大律師。他的執業領域包括民事和刑事訴訟以及調解。 黎先生在香港大學獲得經濟學學士學位和法學碩士學位，在香港中文大學獲得工商管理碩士學位，在曼徹斯特都會大學獲得法學學士學位。他分別於 2009 年和 2012 年獲得了香港國際仲裁中心(仲裁中心)認可的一般調解員和家事調解員資格，並於 2012 年香港調解資歷評審協會有限公司(調解資歷評審協會)成立起獲得其一般調解員和家事調解員資格。
黎先生自 2009 年起擔任仲裁中心益友會成員，也是仲裁中心轄下的香港調解會(調解會)的榮譽秘書，且任仲裁中心一般調解興趣小組成員。他曾為仲裁中心家事調解小組的副主席、物業管理調解推廣小組負責人和勞工及僱傭關係推廣小組負責人。 作為調解資歷評審協會認可的調解員（一般和家事），他曾在數百個案件中擔任調解員。
黎先生在香港多所大學擁有豐富的教學、培訓和評審經驗，尤其重視調解和其他替代性糾紛解決方式。 他是英國特許資歷培訓處/評核及考試規例局認可的調解課程的首席培訓師和首席評估員、調解資歷評審協會40小時課程的助理首席授課者、香港學術及職業資歷評審局的調解事項專家、 International Chamber of Commerce國際調解比賽教練和評委、多個調解小組的專業調解員和 聯合調解專線辦事處的導師調解員。

Steps to Moving On After Divorce

Many individuals describe the divorce experience as being similar to a death in the family.  For some, the divorce process can take years and it is truly an emotionally and physically taxing journey that requires patience and resilience.  At some point however, once the divorce is finalized, it will then be important for you to move on with your life.  This should certainly be an exciting time for you as life is finally moving on and you are embarking on a new adventure.

  1. Get Your Finances In Order: This has been a central theme in all of our articles here at Hong Kong Divorce.  Once you are divorced and have a better idea of the monies coming in and going out, it is important to ensure that your finances are in order.  This may involve retaining a financial planner to assist you in helping you create a plan or a budget which carefully and thoughtfully considers your day-to-day needs and for your future. You will want to review your finances regularly and keep track of your spending and saving patterns so that you can continue to be aware of where you stand financially post-divorce. This will involve good record-keeping and if you are unable to do this yourself, you can always enlist the help of a professional to assist you or download relevant finance apps that could help you keep track of your finances in an organized manner.
  2. Be Thoughtful In Speaking About The Divorce With Your Children: If you have children and are co-parenting post-divorce, it is important to speak appropriately to your children about the divorce and about the other parent. If you want to maintain peaceful and cooperative co-parenting, you will need to play a big role in keeping the peace.  Children should be kept out of adult discussions and should not play a role in having to mediate arguments or disagreements between you and your spouse. If you have any issues, speak directly with your co-parent and do your best not to disrespect your co-parent by bad-mouthing him/her to the children.
  3. Join A Support Group: If you are having a hard time moving on after divorce, this may be the time to consider joining a support group.  A support group or therapist can help you process the feelings you are going through post-divorce and a support group may provide you with new friendships with like-minded individuals going through the same process.  Sometimes, discussing your divorce with family and friends may not be enough and they will only want you to skip ahead to your happy ending. However, moving forward may require you to process the divorce and discuss it at great length.  A therapist or support groups can provide you with this support and is a safe space for you to vent about the emotions you are going through.  Speaking to a therapist or joining a support group will allow you to be in an environment that is judgment-free and will help make you feel less lonely as others are also going through the same circumstances.
  4. Focus On Self-Care & Rediscover What Makes You Happy: This is also a great time for you to focus on your own self-care.  This can include you figuring out what makes you happy and learning who you are as a single adult.  There are many avenues of self-care to consider including exercise, nutrition, hobbies and passions and reconnecting again with family and friends that you may have not had time for previously.  This is also the time to rediscover what makes you happy and what you want out of your life going forward. How do you want your future to look like? What active steps can you put into place in order to reach your goals?

It is important to note that as you move on with your life post-divorce, the time it takes to heal and get settled into your new normal may vary from individual to individual. During this healing process, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space to move forward on your own schedule. No one can tell you how to heal or how long it will take to heal and move on.  As long as you are taking active steps to dust yourself off and move on, even if it is baby steps, you are doing the best you can!

Postnuptial Agreements vs. Deed of Separation – Which One Do You Need?

In this article, we are going to touch upon two important types of agreements that you and your spouse can enter into:  Postnuptial Agreements and a Deed of Separation.  What is the difference between the two agreements and which one should you opt for, if at all.  Let’s take a look!

Postnuptial Agreements:  A Postnuptial Agreement is a marital contract and entered into after the marriage.  In comparison, a Prenuptial Agreement is a marital contract entered into prior to the date of marriage.  Similar to a Prenuptial Agreement, a Postnuptial Agreement can be entered into between a husband and wife (because it is after the marriage) in order to set out terms for resolution of key issues in a divorce such as finances and children.  For many couples, a Postnuptial Agreement is a key document to set out terms in anticipation of divorce, thus making the divorce process a lot smoother so that there is no ambiguity over what could be high conflict issues.  Sometimes, couples enter into Postnuptial Agreements because they are considering a divorce but then they decide to reconcile.  Then as a safeguard, they have in place a Postnuptial Agreement in place in the event the reconciliation does not work.  In Hong Kong, Postnuptial Agreements are recognized and considered when dealing with divorce settlements by the Hong Kong Courts.

Deed of Separation:  A Deed of Separation on the other hand, is a separate agreement made between a husband and wife after a decision has been made to legally separate.  Many times, couples enter into a Deed of Separation to outline the terms of their divorce on key issues such as finances and children.  The Deed of Separation is then attached to the Divorce Petition to demonstrate to the Hong Kong Court that an agreement has been reached between the parties and thus, the divorce should therefore move forward without delay.  This extra step in entering into a Deed of Separation may be worthwhile for couples because an agreement can be reached early on in the separation process.  It essentially releases the heat which may arise in a divorce process when disagreements take place between separating couples.

Is A Deed of Separation Similar to a Judicial Separation?:  A Deed of Separation is simply a contract/agreement entered into between you and your spouse outlining the terms agreed to with respect to a separation/divorce.  A Judicial Separation however, is an actual application made to the Hong Kong Court whereby you and your partner are stating that you want to be legally separated but for some reason not legally divorced.  Many times, individuals choose a Judicial Separation for personal reasons such a religion.  Whatever the reason, it is important to remember that if you apply and obtain a Judicial Separation, you are legally separated but it does not mean you are divorced.  Later, if you decide you wish to become legally divorced from your spouse, you will need to commence separate divorce proceedings.  This is something to consider from a cost basis because you will need to spend money both on a Judicial Separation proceeding AND a divorce proceeding if you later wish to become legally divorced.  Another key consideration when applying for a Judicial Separation is that if you obtain a Judicial Separation and are not legally divorced and only legally separated, you are not free to marry under the law.  If you obtain a Decree Absolute in your divorce proceeding however, you are free to remarry upon the pronouncement of a Decree Absolute.

How Do You Choose Between These Options?:  Before you move forward with a Postnuptial Agreement, Deed of Separation and/or a Judicial Separation or Divorce, it is important that you speak directly with a solicitor and explain your special circumstances.  Depending on your circumstances, one agreement may be a better option than another.  Your solicitor will then be able to guide you in the right direction as to what agreement/contract you should have in place and whether a separation or divorce is the better option for you when applying to the Court.  Your solicitor will help ensure you take the right steps for yourself and your family.

HK Divorce:  Helping Your Loved Ones Through Divorce

At Hong Kong Divorce, we have walked you through the many issues you may face going through a divorce and what that journey entails from a legal perspective.  For many of you, a divorce can catapult you into a difficult grieving process which can take as little or as long as you need and it is with the help and support of your loved ones, that you will be able to pull through and lead you to a new life that can be full of joy. In today’s article, we want to focus on your friends and family who are going through this journey with you and provide some practical and helpful tips your family and friends can do to support you through this difficult time.

Tip #1 – Provide A Listening Ear:  One of the most helpful ways to be there for your loved one is to listen to them when they need your support. Providing an open space for your friend or family member to express their hurts not only helps them process through the grieving process but also allows them to understand that they are loved regardless of the circumstances.  At times, you may become frustrated if you feel that the person is not moving on or repeating the same toxic patterns. However, it is important to remember that when your loved one is processing through his/her grief, a consequence of the grief is that your loved one may repeat toxic patterns as a coping mechanism to get through the pain.  As frustrating as it may be, the last thing you want to do is refuse to listen because if you refuse, you may end up pushing your loved one away.  The best thing you can provide is an open ear and provide that support by listening again and again.

Tip #2 – Do Not Judge and Be Supportive: It is also important that when you are listening to your loved one who is going through the stages of their divorce process, that you provide a listening ear that is free of judgment or scorn.  Your loved one is already in a fragile state of mind during a divorce and he/she is not looking to receive additional judgment or scorn from you.  Divorce can be extremely isolating for some individuals and part of the isolation is the feeling that he/she is being judged by the world.  You must remember that the divorce process is a marathon and it requires a lot of your loved one’s time and emotional energy. You therefore want to be the person who can provide that support in a safe space and you can do that by providing a listening ear and advice (when asked) that is free from judgment.   You want your loved one to be completely honest with you about what he/she is going through so that you can support them in the best way possible.  Your friend/family member cannot be completely honest unless they know you are a safe person to divulge their deepest sorrows during one of their most difficult times. It is during the divorce process that your loved one might also go through certain transitions and he/she may make choices that you might not be in agreement with.  However, rather than judge, allow your friend/family member to explore their new normal and figure out what works for them.  They may start dating or take on a new hobby/activity that you do not agree with. Rather than judge your friend, perhaps try and understand their choices and ask them what you can do to support them during this time.

Tip #3 – Assist In Other Helpful Ways:  A good way to support a loved one going through divorce is to simply ask him/her what he/she needs.  It might be a listening ear. It might mean a meal together or helping them with tasks around the house.  Sometimes, your friend/loved one might need financial assistance as the divorce process is not a cheap process to go through.  Consider your loved one’s needs and consider how you can help.  Even if it means delivering a nice meal to their home or helping take care of their children when they need time to go to Court or meet with their lawyers, this assistance will go a long way.

If you have never gone through a divorce, it may be difficult to empathize with a loved one going through a litigious divorce.  For many individuals, they describe divorce as a death in the family.  The grief associated with divorce can loom large in their lives and it will take time for your loved one to move on.  Be there to support your friend/family member in the best way you can and he/she will surely be appreciative of it in the long run.

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