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Divorce and Mental Health

The team at Hong Kong Divorce believes in the importance of self-care and health practices that nourish the mind, body and soul.  Healthy relationships really stem from a healthy mental state and divorce is a traumatic experience that can impact both your health and the health of your children.

As we have seen in our discussions with mental health professionals, learning how to communicate with one another and engaging in open discussion with your children assists in the healing process of divorce and stepping into a hopeful better future which becomes yours and your children’s “new normal.”

Through our many discussions with mental health professionals across Hong Kong, we have gathered useful tips from these experts from a mental health perspective on what individuals going through a divorce should remember during this difficult time:

Tip #1:  Learn to Communicate from the Heart – While changing behaviours is desirable, ultimate change comes from heart change.  According to Dr. Ida Ng, Licensed Psychologist, “[l]earned behaviour is not what naturally flows from the heart where emotions reside and by not addressing the emotions, the issues are not able to resolve.”

Tip #2:  Accept Change – In a divorce, individuals go through several changes and they are now learning to live a world where they must accept a new reality or a “new normal.”  For many, the change is so drastic that it is difficult to accept.  Learning to accept that changes are occurring and allowing yourself the time and space to adapt to the changes is key to healing.  This includes the changes your children may be experience as well.  Provide an open space and forum for your children the ability to speak freely about the changes they are experiencing and the corresponding emotions related to such change.

Tip #3:  Communicate, Communicate and Communicate More – Communication will be key during your divorce.  Individuals must learn to employ effective communication skills not only with their respective ex-partners whether it be through the process of divorce or during co-parenting challenges, but communication will also play a big role in the healing of your children.  This may be the opportune time for couples to attend couples therapy and for children to also attend therapy to allow them a safe space to communicate their feelings and emotions related to the divorce.  Dr. Ken Fung, clinical psychologist at the Jadis Blurton Family Development Center states that “[c]ouples therapy is a tool/platform to create a safe, comfortable and natural platform for couples to communicate with each other.  It is a way for couples to connect emotionally because many couples have been talking intellectually but that didn’t work out so in my sessions, I help them connect emotionally.”

Tip #4:  Employ Empathy and Compromise – As difficult as it might be in a divorce, it is important for couples to understand where their partner and his/her views are coming from.  By only focusing on your own views in a divorce, it becomes difficult to reach a compromise which is essentially a key element in having a healthier divorce and avoid a divorce that is litigious and stressful.  The ability to empathize and compromise will play an even bigger role if you and your spouse are forced to co-parent.  If your children are able to see that both parents can co-parent in a respectful way, you will see a healthier family dynamic post-divorce and this will allow your children to learn from such behaviour in how to navigate their own relationships going forward.

Finally, a uniform consensus among mental health professionals is to mix therapy along with other self-care alternatives.  You may therefore want to consider focusing on self-care activities such as meditation, acupuncture, reiki or any other healing methods that result in peace of mind and relaxation.  You may also consider focusing on your hobbies which can bring great joy and allows your mind and spirit to relax during one of the more stressful times of your life.

The team at Hong Kong Divorce has been conducting in-depth interviews with several mental professionals around Hong Kong and these Spotlight Profiles can be found as a resource on our website.

Dr. Kristie Craigen, Clinician and Child Advocate of Drs. Cook & Craigen Assessment Services

In this spotlight profile, we are speaking to Dr. Kristie Craigen.  Dr. Craigen is an internationally experienced clinician, psychometric testing and assessment specialist, child inclusive mediation consultant and child advocate.

Dr. Craigen is managing director at her clinic Drs. Cook & Craigen Assessment Services in Hong Kong and she provides a variety of in-person assessment and evaluation services to assist individuals in their healing process.  Dr. Craigen uses psychometric testing as a platform to maximize human potential which in turn yields improvements in functioning and/or removes obstacles to learning.

In addition to the above, Dr. Craigen is a child advocate, particularly with respect to children with learning differences and disabilities.  Dr. Craigen helps identify their unique set of challenges in order to develop needs-specific recommendations and align with children’s best interests, improve their well-being and increase their chances of living their best lives.

Dr. Craigen, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. 

Can you tell us a little bit about your background and training?

I’ve held management positions since my early 20s, therefore I now have more than two decades of leadership experience in both clinical and corporate contexts. Having completed a Bachelors of Science with Psychology and Management majors, as a young woman I didn’t really know which profession to pursue. Yet looking back it seems that I gravitated to roles in which I could assist people develop and/or reach their potential. In the Human Resources, Marketing, and Leisure Industry Executive roles I have held, I was dedicated to supporting the personal and professional growth of every employee via the development of needs-specific training and development programs, coaching, and creating a “Growth Mindset” culture. Subsequently, it was the need to determine the efficacy of training and development programs, by measuring change in employee performance, that led me to discover the predictive utility and increased certainty of data-driven methods. Basically, I fell in love with psychometric testing.

I have always had a passion for lifelong learning and the desire to deepen my knowledge about the use of psychometric testing as a platform to maximize human potential led me to complete post graduate degrees in the field of clinical psychology. I now have both a Masters’ and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology. I also now know that data-driven methods can be used, not only to maximize potential, but to solve problems and change lives.

You are a child advocate. What does that role entail and what impact do/can you have on a child’s life as an “advocate”?

Most people, both young and old, with mental health difficulties and/or disabilities are in a vulnerable position either in society or in specific situations (e.g., school). Being a child advocate means actively promoting and defending the rights and best interests of children, who are too young to make informed decisions for themselves, may be at risk of harm, aren’t having their needs met, or are in a situation where their rights are being denied.

Being an advocate involves understanding their specific issues on a case-by-case basis, thinking about their needs with particular reference to their developmental stage, and presenting solutions to parents, caregivers, guardians, teachers, and sometimes even the authorities.  Part of this role entails ensuring children’s voices are heard but it runs much deeper than that. Dr. Cook and I gain a lot of personal meaning and satisfaction from helping adults, with the responsibility and power to make decisions that will impact a child’s future, develop and implement a course of action that is in the child’s long term best interest. Being mothers ourselves we obviously adore children and there is no better feeling than watching a child who was struggling begin to blossom and thrive.

Children go through their own struggles when their parents are in the midst of a divorce.  One of the things you advocate for is “child inclusive mediation.”  What do you mean by that and how is that beneficial to children going through the difficulties of divorce?

Child inclusive mediation is a dynamic and powerful evidence-based approach aimed at building co-parenting quality and forming responsive parenting arrangements. This method places the child(ren)’s needs at the center of the divorce arrangements rather than parental conflict. Guided exploration and careful consideration of “what’s best for my child” is more likely to encourage disputing parents to refocus on and plan more cooperatively for the needs of their children post-separation.

The United Kingdom is now seeing the implementation of “no fault divorce.”  How does child-inclusive mediation fit in with this idea of “no fault divorce” and avoiding high conflict litigation?

The words “no fault divorce” are like music to my ears! Anyone who’s been through a divorce can tell you that it’s often a devastating process. The breakdown of a marriage is difficult in itself often conjuring feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, failure, grief, and even anxiety about the future. Going through litigation and court proceeding takes the stress and negativity to another level.

No fault divorce gives divorcing couples the opportunity to divorce ‘well” by reducing hostility and avoiding unnecessary character assassinations while also encouraging parents to participate in alternative dispute resolution and mediation channels.

One of the key issues seen in a divorce is parental alienation.  First and foremost, can you explain the effects parental alienation can have on a child including the “father effect”?

First of all, it’s important to note that parental alienation isn’t listed in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, so we need to be mindful about the way in which we use this term. Dr, Cook and myself acknowledge parental alienation to be a symptom (of many) associated with pathogenic parenting.

Parenting attitudes and behaviours can be thought of as lying somewhere on a continuum from very facilitative to very restrictive gatekeeping. Very facilitative parenting behaviours manifest as both parents being:

  • Proactive towards the other parent,
  • Inclusive of the other parent
  • Integral to boosting the image of the other parent,
  • Continuously committed to communicating with the other parent,
  • Flexible with time-sharing,
  • Supportive and facilitative with respect to the child building a relationship with the other parent.

Parental alienation is a very restrictive gatekeeping behaviour. It is a form of child abuse and is often part of a wider set of pathogenic parenting practices. Pathogenic parenting creates significant psychopathology in the child through aberrant and distorted modes of parenting such as derogating the other parent in front of the child, marginalizing the other parent, refusing to communicate with other parent, and being extremely time restrictive with respect to the time the child spends with the other parent.

Research demonstrates that children of divorce show the best long-term adjustment when they have a relationship with both parents. While there has been countless studies on the positive effects of maternal involvement on children’s psycho-social development, the benefits of an engaged paternal presence are only just beginning to be understood. For example, there is a reliable correlation between a lack of aggression and children with a father figure. In general, children raised with a father tend to get better paying jobs and the presence of a participating father also reduces female delinquency.

What advice do you provide parents who may have a tendency to engage in parental alienation?  And what coping/healing mechanisms do you suggest for children who may be experiencing parental alienation?

Unfortunately, most individuals engaging in pathogenic parenting practices lack insight. All too often they feel their campaign of denigration towards the other parent is justified or they may be unable to separate their marital conflict from the parent-child relationship and continue to focus on their own pain and hurt rather than the child(ren)’s needs. All divorcing couples should make the effort to stay acutely aware of the messages they send their children about the other parent and constantly question their motives should they find themselves highlighting the faults and minimizing the positives of their ex-spouse to their child(ren).

Children are vulnerable and their sense of security and trust are shattered when they become pawns in their parent’s conflict. They need to be sheltered, as best as possible, from their parent’s acrimony, allowed to continue to develop their own separate relationships with each parent, and reminded at all possible opportunities that they aren’t required to “take sides”. Seeking the assistance of an appropriately qualified mental health professional is greatly encouraged.

When families are involved in high conflict divorce, is there a way to backtrack and bring it back to a place of peace? How can parents bring their divorce from high conflict to more peaceful negotiation and resolution?

Divorcing “well” takes a lot of emotional maturity. It is also a joint effort. Too often we see ex-spouses “slinging mud” at each other yet they rarely stop to consider their own behaviour and how that contributes to the dynamic.

Emotionally mature individuals are flexible, solution-focused, aware of their own limitations, look for opportunities for self-development, and take responsibility. If you find yourself embroiled in a high conflict divorce, first take a step back and determine if there is anything you can change about your own actions and/or reactions that might facilitate even the tiniest bit of positive change. If you can go the next step and get professional help (i.e., family therapist or a parenting coordinator) then even better and your children are likely to benefit the most.

In addition to your work as a clinician, you also provide psychological assessments/evaluations to the Courts related to children and their development.  What is at the forefront of your mind when you are in the midst of preparing these assessments/evaluations?  What is the overall goal when providing the Courts with these assessments/evaluations?

We produce comprehensive data-driven reports that strive to understand and explain:

  • The quality of each parent’s relationship to each child
  • The relationship between the parents and their ability or willingness to support their children’s ongoing relationships with the other parent
  • The parenting skills and capacity of each parent
  • Each parent’s psychological health and any drug or alcohol abuse
  • The children’s psychological health
  • Any evidence of abuse or violence

By getting a clear picture of functioning and possible risk we can then make informed recommendations to the Court in the child’s best interest. Our general guideline is to distinguish between marital problems and parenting issues, and focus on the latter.

About Cook & Craigen Assessment Services

With more than thirty years assessment-specific experience between them Drs. Cook & Craigen have provided a variety of in-person assessment and evaluation services, of the highest quality, for over a decade to individuals based in Hong Kong. Recently, in response to travel restrictions imposed during the Covid-19 pandemic, Cook & Craigen Assessment Services have expanded their offering to include online psychoeducational testing to students attending geographically remote or underserviced English-medium international schools across Asia.

About Dr. Kristie Craigen

Dr. Craigen is an internationally experienced clinician, psychometric testing and assessment specialist, child inclusive mediation consultant and child advocate.

Dr. Craigen is based in Hong Kong and is the managing director at her clinic Drs. Cook & Craigen in Hong Kong and she provides a variety of in-person assessment and evaluation services to assist individuals in their healing process.  Dr. Craigen uses psychometric testing as a platform to maximize human potential which in turn yields improvement in functioning and to remove obstacles to learning.  In addition to her work as a clinician, Dr. Craigen is a child advocate and has assisted the Courts in providing psychological evaluations and assessments.

About Dr. Alison Cook

Dr. Alison Cook received her medical degree from London University. She then specialised in Family Medicine, and worked as a GP and schools’ doctor in the UK, gathering a deep understanding of the cognitive, physical, and emotional milestones that children achieve throughout their development. She augmented her knowledge and training with the British Psychological Society and has worked for more than a decade in Hong Kong to provide clients comprehensive psychological assessments. Her expertise encompasses Psychoeducational Assessments, as well as Custody Assessments for families undergoing divorce proceedings in the Family Court. She has a strong interest in supporting children to achieve their full potential and to be best supported during a parental separation or divorce.

In addition, Dr. Cook served for 11 years on the Executive Committee of the Psychotherapy Society of Hong Kong and she is a past Vice-President.

Non-Molestation Orders

One of the most recognized celebrities, Kim Kardashian has recently been going through an ugly divorce with Kanye West in Los Angeles, California. Throughout her very public divorce, Kim Kardashian has been publicly harassed by her ex and over a period of time, the harassment has extended to Kanye West publicly harassing Kim Kardashian’s new boyfriend Pete Davidson.  Kanye West claims through his social media forums that he is simply trying to win Kim Kardashian back.  Yet, in one of his released music videos, Kanye West’s character chops off Pete Davidson’s head.

There is much debate in the public forum about whether we should feel sorry for Kim Kardashian who is seen as one of the most privileged celebrities of all time.  Yet what Trevor Noah rightly points out, is that the situation played out in social media between Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and Pete Davidson highlights the harassment that many women face when they try to leave a relationship.  Even Kim Kardashian, one of the most recognized and richest celebrities cannot escape the harassment.

To date, Kim Kardashian has not filed a Restraining Order against Kanye West, although this could be an option for her in the Los Angeles County Courts. In Hong Kong, if you are met with a similar situation, you can consider filing a Non-Molestation Order under the Domestic and Cohabitation Relationships Violence Ordinance.  It is important to note that in Hong Kong, domestic abuse orders are referred to as “non-molestation” orders.

The Domestic and Cohabitation Relationships Violence Ordinance applies if:

  • You are a person who has been molested by your spouse or former spouse
  • You are a person who has been molested by your partner or former partner in a cohabitation relationship, who is of opposite sex
  • You are a person who has been molested by a relative. A relative is defined in the Domestic and Cohabitation Relationships Violence Ordinance and should be clarified to see if the other party fits into the definition of “relative.”

A Non-Molestation Order remedy can be as follows:

  • A provision restraining the other party from molesting (abusing) you
  • A provision restraining the other party from molesting (abusing) a minor
  • Prohibiting the other party from entering or remaining in:
    1. Your residence
    2. A specified part of your residence; or
    3. A specified area whether or not your residence is in that area
  • A provision requiring the other party, where you reside with him/her, to permit you to enter and remain in the common residence or matrimonial home of you and the other party.

If you are granted a Non-Molestation Order you may want to discuss with your solicitor about also asking the Court to grant an order that the other party participate in a program aimed at changing the attitude and behaviour that lead to the injunction.

Importantly, you may also want to discuss with your solicitor about obtaining a variation/suspension of custody/access orders especially in cases where abuse/danger is present.

If you are involved in a situation where you are being abused and/or need to protect a minor in an abusive situation, it is imperative that you keep all documents in support of the abuse including text messages, photos and any other supporting information so you can submit this evidence to the Court in your application for a Non-Molestation Order.

As in the case of Kim Kardashian, domestic abuse does not always equal physical violence, it can involve emotional and psychological abuse which should be detailed to the Court if you are seeking a Non-Molestation Order.  Speak to your solicitor so he/she can assist you in obtaining the protection you may need.

Tips for a Healthy Marriage

In a recent article published by the South China Morning Post, it was reported that marriage counsellors in China claim that mobile phone addiction is responsible for up to 30% of failed marriages in China. The reasoning, according to the article published by SCMP is that mobile phones occupy so much time and as a result, partners are no longer spending time communicating with each other and involving each other in day to day tasks such as household chores and children’s duties. This ultimately causes conflict among couples.

Whilst we might know what causes conflict in relationships and marriages, what can be said about what results in a healthy happy marriage?  Here are some top tips on how to maintain a healthy marriage and a good way to avoid a trip to a divorce lawyer’s office.

1. Act Like You Are Dating: Just because you are married, does not mean dating goes out the window. It is easy to find yourself in the same monotonous routine once you are married, especially given all the new responsibilities you may face as a couple and as parents. However, that does not mean you should neglect each other. Many couples divorce because they do not spend enough time together. Or, couples divorce because their attention is focused on other responsibilities, including children and work. Like seasons, priorities change and spouses may feel neglected. So do not forget that your spouse needs attention and care, and priority should be placed on the relationship. Spend time alone, go out on dates, continue to nurture your friendship with one another and then you are less likely to even consider divorce.

2. Respect and Kindness Through Words and Actions: By the time a couple is ready to divorce, their relationship is so broken, that couples are unable to communicate with one another, much less with any mutual respect and kindness. Respect for one another and kindness through words and actions go a long way when you are in a relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship. If you can respect your spouse and express your love through kind words and actions, you are creating a healthy dynamic that will reap rewards throughout your marriage. Moreover, if the relationship is beyond repair, clients who at least recognize the importance of respect and kindness, can maintain a more level-headed approach to divorce. This in-turn allows for a more civil, reasonable (and cheaper) divorce process.

3. Transparency and Communication: There is something to be said about “mystery” and its allure when you are in the beginning stages of a dating relationship. However, when you are married, keeping big secrets from your spouse can be damaging to your marriage. Many marriages fall apart because an individual’s struggles related to finance, and addictions including alcohol, drugs and sex are kept secret. Being transparent and genuine about your struggles is never easy because it forces you to be vulnerable. However, if you value your marriage, you will work on and build upon your communication skills to maintain the relationship.

The underlying thread weaved throughout all the tips shared above is this: place priority upon your spouse’s needs. Marriage is a big commitment and once you take the step towards marriage, it is definitely worthwhile to make efforts to nurture it and hopefully it will also help you avoid a trip down the dreaded divorce highway.

Round-Up of Divorce News

Here is a round-up of Divorce news circulating the news across the world wide web!

Mobile Phone Addiction

In an article published by The South China Morning Post, some marriage counsellors in China are claiming that mobile phone addiction is responsible for up to 30% of failed marriages in China. The reason behind these claims is that couples are spending more time on their mobile devices which should instead be used to communicate with their partners, perform household duties or educate children. This causes conflict in marriages and which ultimately leads to divorce. The neglect a partner may feel due to the other partner’s attention to their mobile phone made some partners in China feel as if their partner did not care for them, their home or their children.

Couple - Mobile Phone Addiction

The Zodiac Sign Most Likely To Divorce

According to an article released by BestLife, the top three (3) astrological signs to split with their partners are as follows:
1. Aquarius: Due to its free-spirited nature, an Aquarius hates to be tied down and is the least likely to get hitched in the first place.
2. Sagittarius: Sagittarians love to view life as one big adventure and are in a constant state of wanderlust making it hard for them to stay settled in one spot.
3. Pisces: The most romantic, Pisces can become bitter and distant when they feel their partner is not providing them with unconditional love and support.

Couple Relationship - Divorce

Kim Kardashian Is Legally Divorced

Kim Kardashian is now officially single after being granted a divorce from Kanye West. As part of her divorce, the celebrity also dropped “West” from her last name.
Kim Kardashian’s divorce is “bifurcated” meaning that whilst her marital status and legal name have been resolved, the other issues related to divorce, namely custody and finances have yet to be resolved between herself and her former spouse.

Kim Kardashian is legally divorced

Newlywed Divorces After Being Blocked on WhatsApp

A Saudi national filed for divorce in Jeddah and in his Petition for Divorce stated that he wanted to part ways with his wife after she blocked him on WhatsApp. The Court issued a verdict in favour of the newlywed husband and the woman was ordered to return the dowry and gold given to her at the time of marriage.

Whatsapp - block contact

Divorcing Couples Fight Over Crypto

The New York Times reported that divorcing couples are fighting over children, the house and now Crytpo. According to those in legal circles in the USA, marital disputes over Bitcoin is becoming increasingly common and it is now a major source of contention with estranged couples trading accusations of deception and financial mismanagement.

According to divorce lawyers, spouses underreport their holdings or try to hide funds in online wallets and this can be difficult to get to. As a result, forensic investigators are called in to assist but they can charge tens of thousands of dollars to track the movement of cryptocurrencies.

Couple fight